general manliness

July 28 2017

The Smell of Dog and Self-Deception

Have you ever been away on vacation and came home? You may take a deep breath and the pungent odor of dog hits your face, and you say, “Ewww! What’s that smell?”

You see, when you live with a dog, you get used to his smell. Your house smells like it. You can clean, and probably get rid of most of it. But it’s there. And you don’t notice it, because you smell it all the time. When people come to the house, they smell it. They just don’t say anything.

But when you come home, you smell it. Because it was there all along.

Honestly, when I first experienced this, I just wished my friends had told me that my house smelled like dog.

I recently penned a piece about self deception, and the importance of making sure that there are good friends around to to point out what you can’t see about yourself.

This is not easy to accept, that our own failings and shortcomings exist, and that they are holding us back.

It’s also not easy to accept criticism. There is a reason the most quoted Bible verse is “Judge not, lest you be judged.” No one likes to be called out.

“A man should be able to hear, and to bear, the worst that could be said of him.”
Saul Bellow

I’ve often said that a real friend tells you if you have a booger on your face.

Only you though, can wipe it off.

July 24 2017

Understanding Self deception and how it holds you back

As I pursue personal development and helping other men with their personal development, I like to read books, and often excerpts of books. I recently read a really interesting excerpt and “cliff notes” of a book called “Leadership and Self-deception.”

It’s a really challenging premise…. That YOU (or “I”) have a problem that is keeping us from leading well, or succeeding.

The biggest part of that problem is that we can’t see it. We have convinced ourselves that we don’t HAVE a problem. That other people are the problem. We have convinced ourselves that we are doing well, when sometimes, often, we are not performing anywhere NEAR our potential.

The book contends that while many problems we might be able to self identify… Self deception keeps us from really seeing many of our issues clearly.

I think the solution is to make sure there are people in your life that you trust that can challenge you, ask you the hard questions, and tell you the truth. A good friend, mentor or leader can do it in a way that doesn’t heap shame, but rather brings the encouragement to change and grow.

Unfortunately, these are often the people that we avoid. No one wants to hear they are failing. No one wants to be called out. No one likes hearing about their failures, or being told the things they believe about themselves is a lie.

I’m here to tell you, there are times in my life that I have listened to those friends and mentors, saw my flaws and dealt with them. There are also times I pushed people away or isolated myself and didn’t listen to feedback from others.

I know that the end result of listening to others was growth in my life. It transformed the way I think and the way I performed.

I know that isolation only amplified my problems. In fact, in those times that I have been separate from those relationships, these are the times that I’ve had the worst failures in my life.

Wherever you find yourself, in failure or success, we are equally in need of honest feedback. You may find you aren’t doing as well as you think you are, or find more ways to make things better.

But as long as we build up our tolerance to our own baloney, we well be oblivious to the places we need to improve.

July 18 2017

On the Side: Making Extra Money – Part 3

Sell Everything

Dave Ramsey talks about getting out of debt by selling everything that isn’t nailed down.
Debt might not be your rationale about making more money, but there are certainly ways you could turn the junk sitting around your house into extra cash.

1. Facebook – Sell in local garage sale groups / Facebook Marketplace
2. Online Selling Apps – there are a number of apps for selling. Letgo, VarageSale, and more.

Craigslist or other local classified sites
Ebay / Amazon – This takes a little more skill, but you can make money selling your junk on these sites.

This doesn’t include an old fashioned garage sale. Just put it out on a table and toss a price sticker on it. If it is sitting around unused, why not liquidate it, and put that cash back into what you need?

July 11 2017

On the Side: Making Extra Money – Part 2

Monetize your hobby

Growing up, my father had a hobby that paid. He was a professional birthday clown. He still is, though he has slowed down these days.

Dad was passionate about clowning, and learned the skill well. He practiced making balloons and telling jokes and simple magic tricks. I would come home from school to a house full of animal balloons, while he worked on new designs.

For dad, clowning was fun. But it also gave extra cash for the family. He would often pick us up after a job and take us out for dinner (still dressed in his clown suit.)

Your hobby most likely isn’t clowning, but I have to ask, are you able to monetize it?

Many hobbies, golf, shooting, four wheeling, etc, may cost quite a bit for men to participate. That doesn’t mean they are worthless hobbies! If you enjoy it and it adds value to your life, that’s fine! But I do want you to consider how you can create a hobby that can make money.

Do you like to make things? Wood Furniture, Leatherworking, Paracord Bracelets

Do you like to create? Painting, Graphic Design, Music,

Do you like to work outside? Landscaping, Gardening, Carpentry

Any number of hobbies could be turned into a way to make a little money. If you like golf, and are good at it – you could teach a course, or coach a student club! If you like hiking orhunting, you could take the inexperienced out to explore.

Take a minute in the comments to tell me what your hobby is, and we can discuss how you can monetize it!

June 28 2017

Love Your Wife More Than You Love Yourself – Part 5

Thank and Affirm Her.

Use your words. Say what you think and feel about her. I don’t know why this is so difficult for many men to do – but it’s essential to building a good relationship.

She needs to hear, “Thank you.” How often?
You can never say it enough.

She needs to hear, “You are beautiful.” How often?
You can never say it enough.

There are many things unique to your wife that she needs to hear, and I’ll leave that up to you to decode and decipher her. But I can tell you that almost every woman I’ve ever met struggles with self-image, self-worth, self-doubt issues. I think it’s safe to say that it’s a common thing women struggle with.

As a husband, your responsibility is to build her up. To affirm her. To use your words to reassure, comfort, and back her up.

I would talk about the negative things we say – when we cut down, criticize, and tear her apart with our comments – but honestly, that’s another discussion entirely. All that I will say is to stop. If you have constructive advice or concerns – you need to wrap that in love. For every legitimate criticism, you should have already given her five to ten compliments.

June 27 2017

Love Your Wife More Than You Love Yourself – Part 4

Listen to her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like the guy in this video.
Women are a mystery. I know it may be overgeneralization to say this – so apply whatever amount of common sense is needed to understand it.

Women don’t want you to fix their problem, as much as they want to feel understood, acknowledged, or listened to.

There are times, obviously, when what she really wants is for you to fix the drain under the kitchen sink.

But there are many times, she just needs to air her grievances to her best friend. She doesn’t want you to solve or fix the problem, but to listen to her.

This is hard for us. Men are fixers. It’s in our nature as men to find broken things and fix them.
Women do want things to be fixed. But more importantly, they just want to be heard, understood, loved, accepted.

It may seem counter-intuitive and self-sabotaging to sit in that situation, where she pours her heart out, and you just listen.

You would not think that it is difficult, but learning to listen has been one of the toughest challenges of my relationship with my wife. I’ve always got a solution, and answer, a suggestion. Keeping those quiet long enough to fulfill her actual need, though, the need to be heard and understood – that’s the real challenge.

Marriage - Masculinity - Manhood - Manlihood.com

June 20 2017

Love Your Wife More Than You Love Yourself – Part 3

Serve her.

This, is perhaps the hardest part of love. Men, we see ourselves as leaders. (Which isn’t a bad thing. We’ll get to leadership, and what that means in a minute.) We see ourselves as lovers, we see ourselves in so many ways, but picturing ourselves as servants is so difficult.
The truth? No matter where you are in live, you’re a servant to someone.

To quote, Bob Dylan, “You’re gonna have to serve somebody. It may be the Devil, it may be the Lord, but you’re gonna have to serve somebody.”

In the case of marriage, you’re either serving yourself, or you are serving her.
Are you helping her with chores around the house? Are you providing for her needs? Are you doing things that help her? Are you making sure to please her first in the bedroom? (C’mon guys. You know that matters!)

If you want a happy wife, you’ve got to take on the role of a servant. It will make you a great husband. A happy husband. And if you do it well, and if you do it right, she’ll reciprocate.
Everybody can be great…because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love. ― Martin Luther King Jr.

Marriage - Masculinity - Manhood, Manlihood

June 13 2017

Love Your Wife More Than You Love Yourself – Part 2

Study her.

How well do you know her? I know that now that my wife and I are approaching the time in our life when we’ve been together longer than apart, I know her well. Very well. I can walk in the room, and without a word, I can tell what she’s thinking, or how she’s feeling. (Not always, of course – women, after all, are always mysterious and surprising sometimes.)

As we get older, this relationship changes and morphs. It’s not just physical or emotional. It’s spiritual.

I am not saying we are a perfect example – we frustrate each other and annoy each other all the time. But I can tell you that for almost 20 years, I’ve studied her.

When we were dating – we started out asking each other questions. When we were engaged, we read books together about marriage -and went through THREE different premarital counseling courses. We knew we were getting married young and making what everyone else thought was a bad decision – so we wanted to make sure we were well equipped to face it.

So we started off with a really strong foundation.

As we have progressed in our relationship – I’ve always tried to be attentive to her. She thinks I don’t pay attention – but I do. Sometimes I choose NOT to do the thing that she wants me to do – for any number of reasons. But in general, I want to KNOW this woman I married.

In the bedroom, I know what she likes.
In the kitchen, I know what she likes.

If you want to know how to study and learn your wife, I highly recommend you read the book “The 5 Love Languages” as a starting place.

It breaks down the different ways that people love, and it will help you understand her, and how to communicate with her.

June 6 2017

Love Your Wife More Than You Love Yourself – Part 1

Balance the Old Fashioned ways with freedom and respect.

Sometime during the last cultural revolution, a number of ancient truths have been tossed aside. Losing some old and antiquated ideas may have been good for our culture in some ways- but in others, we’ve lost some of the ancient wisdom that held our society together.
Marriage may seem like an old fashioned idea. I’ve heard it described as “a contract for female slavery” and “a ridiculous old fashioned idea.”

I want to make it clear that I’m admittedly old fashioned about this. I’m proud of it and unapologetic. That doesn’t mean I’m judgmental of those who do things differently.

But I firmly believe that while marriage is old fashioned, it’s also not meant to place women in a lower or lesser place.

Marriage is meant to be a union of two people. Do I think there is a natural authority of husband and father in a home? Yes. But that authority and leadership does not imply inequality.

If you want to love your wife well, then you need to not have a “Leave it to Beaver” June Cleaver definition in your mind of what’s expected of her. Especially in today’s culture, when women work outside the home – don’t demand that she be your house servant as well. Cooking and cleaning are not just women’s work. We all have to chip in. If she is a stay at home wife, it may seem fair to ask her to do more than a wife who is working outside the home as much as you are. But make sure that any expectations you have are communicated and worked out together, not demanded, solely because she’s a woman.

The old fashioned part about marriage that I love – is that it’s about commitment. Life long commitment.

Your wedding vows were not “until I don’t feel like it anymore.”
No – those vows were, “till death do us part.”

I understand that sometimes circumstances arise that change things, that make it difficult, that make it hard.

But make sure that for everything in your power, you do everything possible to honor that commitment. Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t make excuses. Just choose to honor your commitment.

May 30 2017

Wild: The Tame

To be wild, to hear the heartbeat of nature, to feel the rush of adrenal strength, to drink from the fresh air and howl at the moon – these are things that are embedded into men.

I love my dogs. I have a golden retriever named Lincoln, and a shelter mutt named Teddy. Yes. They are named after presidents.

They are normally relaxed and gentle beasts. Nothing at all like the wolfish ancestors. Their greatest joy is to snooze on the furniture, while a family member strokes or scratches them. They don’t have to hunt for food, and their only job is to be friendly, and on rare occasions, to be protective.

Last year, they got loose. Our front door was broken and didn’t get shut all the way, and so the dogs left the house while the family was at church.

It actually happened on two occasions. Both times they were gone for a week. The first time, we found both dogs covered in porcupine quills and starving. The second time, they came home covered in thousands of ticks, and weakened by Lymes Disease.

We live in the middle of nowhere, and all along the edge of our neighborhood is the Allegheny National Forest – acres upon acres of woods, old growth pines, bear, deer, raccoons, deep lakes and cold streams.

I like to imagine that for those two weeks, they were wolves. Running free, howling at the moon, hunting, digging, scratching, and living like all dogs secretly want to live.

Eventually, though, these dogs are woefully unprepared for the wild. They haven’t learned that porcupines aren’t safe. They haven’t learned to feed themselves well. And they came home to be cared for, fed, and groomed.

Teddy and Lincoln are tamed.

While we as men may live in gentle little houses, with fancy soaps, canned soups, and table manners – we must not be tamed.

We can be gentlemen, we can be polite. But we need to keep that fire of wildness and strength alive. So that when our wildman is called upon, he lives strong in us. He’s ready for anything. Ready to fight to defend, ready to provide for his family, ready to brave the elements, so that he comes home, not because he can’t survive, but because he did.