general manliness

I’ve been very fortunate to have a good dad, who raised me well.

Not everyone has that luxury. Not everyone has a good example, and so they often find themselves scratching their heads wondering how to be a better man, without a good father figure to use as a template. Here’s my advice for those guys.


First of all, find a mentor. That’s not an easy task, because you don’t just walk up to a random old dude and say, “Will you be my mentor?”

Mentorship happens organically, and you can’t just force it. Many men don’t even know HOW to mentor, and often mentor others by accident. It’s not a mentor’s responsibility to mentor, it’s the responsibility of the mentee to seek mentorship and appropriate it.

So – start by looking at the other men in your life. Are there any men that you want to be like? Any men that you admire? Start spending time with them. Start asking them questions.  

If there aren’t any in your life – or anyone that you can identify – then start locating where those men would be. Maybe they gather at the Rotary Club, or the Vets club, or the golf course, or the church. I don’t know who you admire, or what qualities you want in your life, but I know that an ancient proverb says that “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”
Find men that are doing what you do only better, and find how you can learn from them.
I’ve found that simply just asking questions is a great way to be mentored. And I get more and better answers if I spend time with people, and contribute to the friendship.

Commitment is value that every man needs to understand. It really defines the heart of what true manhood is. Are you a man known for commitment? Can others describe you as a committed man? In this blog series, we’ll explore the idea of commitment, and what it means to your life.

Freud was the son of a Jewish merchant who had to move his whole family to Vienna because he couldn’t get work. He, as a boy, had to watch his father be mocked and abused on the street for being Jewish… You develop a thick skin and you develop a certain kind of wit to defend yourself.

Viggo Mortensen

A thick skin is a gift from God.

Konrad Adenauer

When you’re onstage and you know you’re bombing, that’s very, very scary. Because you know you gotta keep going – you’re bombing, but you can’t stop. And you know that half an hour from now, you’re still gonna be bombing. It takes a thick skin.

Christopher Walken

Listen, men. When you make a commitment, whether that commitment is a relationship, or an employment position, or a commitment to a personal goal – there are going to be words thrown at you.

And I don’t care how tough you are – words can hurt (and conversely, can heal.)

If you want your commitment to stick, to work… you have to be able to sift through the words that come at you, and sort them in the right piles.

The first thing is to make sure that the words don’t cut straight through to your core. If you are easily offended, or sensitive, it might not be so easy.

I find that I have to have a verbal conversation with myself sometimes – and put on my “sorting hat” to review the words that are said to me or about me.

It starts by evaluating the statement, and asking, “Is there truth in this?” and if so – I have to respond or apply to the truth. Then I have to ask, “Is this meant to hurt or help me?” and then deal with it accordingly.

But if I roam around like a landmine, waiting for someone to step on my little tender heart and make me explode, then I will not be able to stick with my commitments.

Thick skin isn’t just put on – it’s developed, it’s grown. And I think that happens when we learn to separate ourselves from the conversations and deal with them with our emotions put aside for a little bit. Our skin gets stronger and stronger as we do that.

Commitment is value that every man needs to understand. It really defines the heart of what true manhood is. Are you a man known for commitment? Can others describe you as a committed man? In this blog series, we’ll explore the idea of commitment, and what it means to your life.

The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively.

Bob Marley
Honestly, your integrity is not just in the words you speak, but it’s also in your ability to be counted on.
If you say you will do something – do you do it? If you are supposed to be somewhere – are you there on time?

Countability is a word I’ve borrowed from John Maxwell, and I’m not sure it exists otherwise – but it’s important to manhood.

If a group of people are sitting in a room, thinking about the men they need for a job, do they say, “Yes, I can count on him!” about you?


Now – here’s how you gain countability.

You start by committing to something small, and then you deliver it. Maybe it’s returning an email or a text message in a timely manner.

Then – you do something bigger.

And bigger.

And so on.

Countability is like a bicep – it gets bigger as you use it. And you have to start with something you know you can accomplish.

WHAT IF I MESS UP?
you may ask.


Well, a simple apology, and offer to make it right. (not an explanation, unless you are asked to provide one.) “I’m really sorry that I missed our meeting. Can I meet with you tomorrow?”   It takes a lot of time to build up countability with people after you’ve wrecked it. But it is something that matters.