In this installment of a five part series titled “Things Men Don’t Want to Talk About” for the Manlihood ManCast, Josh Hatcher of Manlihood.com talks about sexual abuse.
Here’s some information on male sexual abuse from 1in6.org
A 2005 study conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control, on San Diego Kaiser Permanente HMO members, reported that 16% of males were sexually abused by the age of 18.1
A 2003 national study of U.S. adults reported that 14.2% of men were sexually abused before the age of 18.2
A 1998 study reviewing research on male childhood sexual abuse concluded that the problems is “common, under-reported, under-recognized, and under-treated.”3
A 1996 study of male university students in the Boston area reported that 18% of men were sexually abused before the age of 16.4
A 1990 national study of U.S. adults reported that 16% of men were sexually abused before the age of 18.5
That 1 in 6 statistic is based on reported, documented cases. There is a lot of reason to believe that the number is higher.
Men who have experienced sexual abuse in their past are very likely to experience these issues:
Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder and depression.
Alcoholism and drug abuse.
Suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts.
Problems in intimate relationships.
Underachievement at school and at work.
Bottom line is – Men don’t like to talk about it. But maybe we should. Maybe not out in the open in front of everybody, if that makes you uncomfortable – but find someone you can trust and talk about it. See a counselor if you’ve found yourself struggling with depression, or ptsd, or suicidal thoughts.
You are not alone
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It’s almost uncommon when a man decides he wants to be a better husband. I called you today has almost eliminated any kind of self-improvement when it comes to relationships. It gets hard, so people just give up.
But we’re going to look at that question.
How can I be a better husband
Become a better listener
Men, we tend to listen just enough to hear the problem and try to fix it. Women often don’t want you to fix the problem but rather just to listen. That’s frustrating for us.
Women, on the other hand, need to talk about their feelings. And that’s okay.
But to be a better husband we need to be a better listener. There’s a degree of empathy that we have to cultivate. We need to just sit in the moment with her while she works through what she’s feeling. It’s not about feeling sorry for her. It’s about acknowledging that she has feelings.
I think this video illustrates the point very well.
Control your reactions
When we react to every stimulus and every circumstance, it creates a tension between a husband and a wife. If you want to be a better husband, learn to suppress the immediate emotional response to the stimulus that your wife is putting out.
Men, we like to think that we are not emotional, or that we are more stoic than women. We are often just as emotional and we have very emotional reactions. Our emotions usually manifest as anger and frustration.
The first step in controlling your emotions is recognizing when they happen. Make a conscious effort today to pay attention to the things that get you riled up. You have to choose to deliberately react the opposite way.
It’s going to feel weird at first. She may even pick up on the emotion behind your control and try turn it into a fight.
Take a breath and react with love rather than anger.
Reevaluate your priorities.
For many years the husband was the sole provider in his home. It is still the case in some homes.
Regardless of who brings home the bacon, here are some vestigial remnants of the days when the husband was the hunter-gatherer. Most of those remnants are thought patterns in our own minds.
We feel that we have to give our families more. We feel that they deserve a better life or better social standing or more activities or more material things.
I do believe that it’s important for us to work, and it’s important for us to be a part of providing for our family. But we have to make sure that we don’t prioritize the material things over our presence in our home.
Our families are of a higher priority than the things that we possess. Our marriage is of a higher priority than any other relationships. If you want to be a better husband make sure that you value that relationship above anything else.
Correct her gently.
Wives don’t like to be told they’re wrong.
To be fair nobody likes to be told they’re wrong. A good husband can gently correct and lead his wife when she’s making a mistake. And this goes both ways. She also can gently correct you when you’re making a mistake.
If you are overly critical, He will tear her down. If you are overly passive, she will never know that what she’s done has wronged you. There is a fine line of balance right in the middle where we are gentle, humble, and kind but also truthful.
Guard against temptation.
A friend once told me he had a deal with his wife. In their relationship, there were no barriers for him to go to strip clubs or watch porn. She said, “I don’t care where you get your appetite as long as you come home for dinner.”
Some of us might think we would appreciate that kind of “freedom.” But I know that that can be a dangerous path to tread.
Your marriage vows are sacred. If you use other women to satisfy or inflame your sexual desires, you may very well find yourself giving into the temptation of having an affair.
Adultery isn’t just an old-fashioned sin. It’s the number one cause of divorce. Some people have come to the place where they don’t even care about the wrongness of it anymore and have an open relationship, where they sleep with whoever they want.
I know I sound old-fashioned but I just don’t see that as a good thing.
If you want to preserve the sanctity of your sexual relationship, you need to train your mind to shut out external sources of sexual desire.
We’re men. We’re always going to notice beauty. But to notice and mentally acknowledge beauty has to be tempered with mental discipline. Learn to tell your mind to stop before it goes down the rabbit trail of imagination.
That may mean that you have to take away the bait. For many years, there were television shows that I couldn’t watch, because I found myself focused on the woman in the bikini or the low-cut top. It wasn’t a trashy show, but I felt attracted to the actress, and seeing her would stir up temptation. I did not have the mental discipline to watch that show, because my mind wanted more. I went back and watched the show years later, and it didn’t bother me the same as it did when I had less control.
Your situations may be different, but I do believe that the principle is the same. Don’t go to the donut shop if you can’t say no to a donut.
Get used to being wrong
A wise couple once told my wife and I that to really do marriage well, you have to ask yourself the question:
Do I want to be married, or do I want to be right?
The truth in that question is everything. There are times when you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are right about something. She disagrees. Before it becomes an argument – you really have to contextualize the issue. Is it worth a fight? Can you be humble enough to let the situation play out?
Don’t say I told you so
In a follow up to the scenario I just posed – you know you’re right – and she disagrees, but you decide it’s not worth the fight. The situation comes full circle, and it is proven you were right all along…
Do you gloat? Do you find a way to get your glory? Do you say, “I told you so, honey!” You may have the upper hand, but taking glory in it is only going to push her down and build you up. That’s the opposite of how this should work.
Cosmic alignment
What does astronomy (or astrology) have to do with your marriage? Absolutely Nothing.
But I use those words for a reason. Many husbands have set their whole universe to revolve around their wife. I know I told you that she needs to be your highest priority. But if she is the sun to your planets, the center of your universe – you will cause your marriage to suffer.
If your marriage is a galaxy, you are two planets locked in orbit together around a greater gravitational force. Not a moon or a planet revolving around each other.
You each have to have friends and connections and interests apart from each other. She cannot fulfill every one of your needs. You cannot fulfill every one of hers. You need brotherhood. She needs sisterhood. You need hobbies. She needs hobbies. You need things you can do together, but you also need to have somewhere to go or something to do occasionally to remind yourselves that you are not the only two souls in the universe.
Ask her
Have the conversation with your wife. What do you need from me? How can I be a better husband?
Each of you take a piece of paper. Tell her you are going to write down a number from 1 to 10 on performance as a husband. Ask her to do the same. Then trade papers.
Don’t be hurt or offended if hers is less than you need it to be. Ask her for ONE thing you can work on over the next couple weeks to level up a notch. Let her know that you are committed to improvement, but you can’t fix everything overnight – so ONE thing is a good place to start.
Don’t ask her to do the same job of rating herself as a wife. If she offers, accept it. Chances are she will. But don’t make this about criticizing her – make this about improving yourself.
If she’s willing to talk about what you need to improve, be humble, teachable, and don’t make excuses. If you think she’s wrong – carefully listen to what she’s saying, and commit to take it seriously and to work on it.
Get help
Nobody likes marriage counseling. It’s like going to the dentist. But if you find that you can’t work through the issues you’re facing without fighting- it may be time to call a pastor, a counselor, a marriage therapist, and to sit down and talk through the issues together. There’s no shame in it. But don’t go in with the goal of proving her wrong. Go in with the goal of fixing yourself.
If you are asking questions about how to be a better husband, this is good. Many men do not even care to explore the questions. They just assume it will happen. They just assume they are good. They follow their feelings rather than their principles and integrity. And then they react emotionally when things come crashing down. Don’t be like those men. Dig into what it means to be a good husband.
I’ll contend that to be a better husband, you should start with trying to be a better man independently of her. You commit to self-improvement whether she does or not. You commit to be the best version of yourself. Most of the time – she’ll follow suit. She wants to see you improve – and she is designed to follow your lead. If you aren’t improving – she can’t. Don’t do it for her. Do it for yourself. Even if she says, “Dude, this is over. I’m done.” — being a better man is the right answer! You’ll never survive marriage or divorce if you don’t commit to bettering yourself.
Things Men Don’t Want to Talk About: Pornography and Masturbation
In this installment of a five part series titled “Things Men Don’t Want to Talk About” for the Manlihood ManCast, Josh Hatcher of Manlihood.com talks about Pornography and Masturbation.
Men don’t want to talk about what they do when no one is looking. For a few reasons. One reason, we don’t want anyone to tell us we shouldn’t do it…. Or… we don’t want anyone to know we do it.
Masturbation takes away from our power. It may seem like a release, or like a biological way to “clear the pipes.” But it’s not that. It actually decreases desire, and can create a situation where you are training yourself to the fastest way possible to orgasm. This is the opposite of what you need in the bedroom with your spouse.
Porn is harmful to men. It’s impact on the brain, impact on the emotions and addictive nature is never satisfied.
Porn is harmful to women. It teaches men to devalue women, to degrade women. Porn is a nasty downward spiral of degradation toward women. That’s not was sex is meant to be.
It’s also harmful because the industry is SATURATED with human trafficking, including underage girls. You may think you’re watching porn that is consensual, but when you hear the horror stories of how women have been enslaved and are doing it because they have no other choice… it will make you sick. Someone’s daughter was drugged up, tortured, threatened, and forced to make that porn.
I was addicted to porn. It almost destroyed my marriage. It was not an easy fight. I would try to justify it or explain it away, but the truth is, I was neglecting my wife and pleasing myself. I was gratifying my own desires – and it lead me to a dark place. It would have gone darker if I had continued.
If you want to look at facts, numbers, statistics, stories, of what porn is and what it does – check out FIGHTTHENEWDRUG.COM
———– Get REIGNITE: A MAN’S FIELD GUIDE TO TAKING BACK HIS LIFE
In this installment of a five part series titled “Things Men Don’t Want to Talk About” for the Manlihood ManCast, Josh Hatcher of Manlihood.com talks about the way men don’t like to talk about their feelings.
“For years, popular psychologists have insisted boys and men would like to talk about their problems, but are held back by fears of embarrassment or appearing weak. However, when we asked young people how talking about their problems would make them feel, boys didn’t express angst or distress about discussing problems any more than girls. Instead, boys’ responses suggest they just don’t see talking about problems to be a particularly useful activity.”
The reason men don’t like to talk about these things is not because of a deep shame or a fear of opening up.
We don’t talk about our feelings generally, because we don’t see the point.
There is a time and place to talk about how we feel.
As men, we do tend to compartmentalize and shove emotion aside in order to function.
That CAN backfire. We need to properly process our feelings. We may need to talk about it. There IS a point. But it’s not THE point.
In this episode of the Manlihood ManCast, Josh Hatcher of Manlihood.com talks about Cancel Culture, and why we need to reevaluate our current culture of outrage.
There are things worth outrage.
I have a right to freedom of speech. That includes what speech I’ll tolerate on my platform.
Pointing fingers at someone we disagree with, calling or boycotts, calling to shut people up, demanding that people be silenced, is not going to change anyone’s mind.
Freedom of speech has responsibilities.
The simplest solution to speech that offends you is to walk away or turn it off.
I firmly believe that in order to grow as a man, we need to read. Some of the best books for men are books written by men who want to share what they’ve learned.
We have access to some of the greatest mentors we could ever have, if we would read. There are men that have felt the need to share what they know in the pages of a book, in order to invest in the lives of others. Let’s strive
“A man’s mind may be likened to a garden, which may be intelligently cultivated or allowed to run wild; but whether cultivated or neglected, it must, and will bring forth. If no useful seeds are put into it, then an abundance of useless weed-seeds will fall therein, and will continue to produce their kind.”
– James Allen, As a Man Thinketh
“It is pleasing to human vanity to believe that one suffers because of one’s virtue; but not until a man has extirpated every sickly, bitter, and impure thought from his soul, can he be in a position to know and declare that his sufferings are the result of his good, and not of his bad qualities.”
– James Allen, As a Man Thinketh
“He who would accomplish little need sacrifice little; he who would achieve much must sacrifice much. He who would attain highly must sacrifice greatly.”
“A man who knows who he is doesn’t need a facade. The first thing you should notice about him is his character, an internal quality that doesn’t require an ostentatious display of any kind.”
-Chuck Holton, Making Men
“A man continually looks at his environment and thinks of ways to make it better. Men view situations with an eye to fix what is broken and create value. And once they’ve assessed, men take action—whether as insignificant as picking up a burger wrapper off the ground or as daring as rescuing someone from an oncoming bus—to make things better for everybody.”
“A man who has given up his sovereignty fabricates excuses. He tells himself stories. He feeds himself lies. All of this to justify the reality that he has given away the one thing that has the potential to allow him to be the man he is meant to be: his sovereignty.”
-Ryan Michler, Sovereignty
“You think you’re safe now because the reality of doing nothing hasn’t caught up with you yet. But when it does, it will come with a vengeance. On that day, ignorance is not a successful defense strategy.”
“Each man must determine what is dear to him and what is worth sacrificing for. A transcendent cause must exist in a man’s life if he is to reach his full potential as a man. Few men today have done a thorough self-analysis to ascertain what their transcendent cause is—or even if they have one. It is time, though: time to determine what we hold dear and what is worthy of sacrifice. As men, we cannot wait until the later years of our lives to make this assessment. I urge you: do it now, and bring meaning to who you are as a man.”
-Stephen Mansfield, Mansfield’s Book of Manly Men: An Utterly Invigorating Guide to Being Your Most Masculine Self
“Manliness, in my view, is about doing. It doesn’t matter what you look like. I’m neither put off by nor in awe of the physical. I’ve known great men who are three and a half feet tall. I know an awe-inspiring man who has no arms or legs. I’ve known powerful, dynamic men who looked like women from a distance. I’ve known immoral men who had testosterone to spare. It is the doing, the deeds, the actions that make a male a man. This is good news.”
-Stephen Mansfield, Mansfield’s Book of Manly Men: An Utterly Invigorating Guide to Being Your Most Masculine Self
“My mum and dad gave me a few bits of great advice as a young boy (along with a fair amount of scolding for being an idiot, but that’s another story!), but there is one thing my late father told me that has affected my outlook and approach to life more than almost anything else, and it was this: If you can be the most enthusiastic person you know, then you won’t go far wrong.”
-Bear Grylls, A Survival Guide for Life: How to Achieve Your Goals, Thrive in Adversity, and Grow in Character
Behind every successful person you’ll undoubtedly find a string of failed attempts. We might not always notice the failures (as the successes tend to blind us to them), but to get to the success, those people will inevitably have had to walk through a good number of ‘failures’ first.
-Bear Grylls, A Survival Guide for Life: How to Achieve Your Goals, Thrive in Adversity, and Grow in Character
“…anger can trick us. If we don’t let our anger go naturally, it can become an offense we hold on to that blinds us, clouding our ability to see our own behavior clearly and causing us to become helpless. It’s like removing our hands from the wheel of our own life, and letting whoever offended us drive, while we sit meekly in the passenger seat, holding the offense in our lap.”
“I wasn’t mean; I wasn’t evil. I was nice. And let me tell you, a hesitant man is the last thing in the world a woman needs. She needs a lover and a warrior, not a Really Nice Guy.”
― John Eldredge, Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul
“Truth be told, most of us are faking our way through life. We pick only those battles we are sure to win, only those adventures we are sure to handle, only those beauties we are sure to rescue.”
― John Eldredge, Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul
If you haven’t read these books, you definitely should consider grabbing them from your local bookstore, or if they do not have them, from Amazon, or the local library.
It doesn’t matter where you’re going and how long you’re staying there – every time you’re going on a business trip, you have to look your best. This is simply the way things work, and in the world of modern business, the way you look defines who you are and how worthy you are. That’s why looking amazing at all times is so crucial, but not all businessmen know how to dress for a business trip and what to take with them. If you’re among these men, here are a few essentials you need to have with you at all times.
A proper bag
This is an item most men already possess, but not all of them are as satisfied with their travel bag as they should be. Keep in mind that choosing a travel bag isn’t the easiest thing in the world, but it doesn’t have to be the hardest either. It’s all about defining the proper size, the proper type, and the proper brand – and that’s basically it! Make sure your bag is big enough to fit all your essentials, but still not too big so that it becomes hard to handle. Also, don’t forget to find a bag that’s reliable, strong, and durable, and you’ll be able to use it in the years and decades to come without having to spend extra money on a new one.
The right footwear
This is an item most men generally think they know everything about, but the truth is quite the opposite. With so many different types of footwear out there and lots of styles and combinations, not all shoes are the same, and you have to think twice before deciding which ones you’re going to take on your business trip. You have to take several things into consideration – your comfort, your appearance, and your luggage size – and find the right pair or two that will work for you in different occasions. Once you do that, you’ll have fewer problems packing your stuff and getting ready for your business trip, and that’s a commodity all businessmen value quite a lot.
The best money clip
When you’re a businessman, looking good is one thing, but looking amazing is something completely different. You have to remember that your looks speak for you and if you’re about to meet potential clients, partners, and investors, you have to look your best. That’s why taking care of the details is so important, and those amazing money clips are one of the best ways to take your look to the next level. These stylish money clips for men don’t just look elegant but are also made from high-quality materials, which means you’ll be able to use them for quite a long time.
The strongest portable charger
Even when you’re going away for a day or two, you need to take your phone, your tablet, and your computer with you, and that means you’ll have to think about the battery life on these devices as well. An empty battery is one of the worst things in the world for a businessman, so making sure your phones and computers are always fully-charged is vital. That’s why you need to find one of those portable chargers and take it with you at all times, keeping your electronic devices always fully-charged. Still, not all chargers are the same, and only the strongest one on the market is going to be good enough for you.
An unlimited data plan
This is one of those things you never think of before it’s too late – but if you travel abroad often, you need to have an unlimited data plan all the time. Whether you prefer texting, calling, or browsing the Internet, doing that freely can turn your business trip from average to amazing. So, instead of searching for a free Wi-Fi spot wherever you go, just get an unlimited data plan instead, and you’ll have problems doing whatever you want to do whenever you want.
Your own shaving kit
Most respectable hotels have a tendency to equip your room with the most basic skincare items, including a shaving kit, but do you really want to rely on someone else’s choice when it comes to your own skin? Lots of men have sensitive skin and can, therefore, use only a handful of razors and shavers, and if you’re one of them, the chances are you won’t be satisfied with your hotel’s default choice. So, just take your own shaving kit with you when you’re traveling, or assemble your personal travel shaving kit and you’ll minimize further skin damage wherever you go.
Some of the other travel essentials you need to take into consideration include a great new watch, a shoeshine kit, a lasting deodorant, and a leather belt that will make you look and feel good no matter how tired you are!
Peter Minkoff is a lifestyle writer at Bond magazine. Follow Peter on Twitter for more tips.
Josh Hatcher of Manlihood.com talks about how to win a fight.
The best way to win a fight is to avoid a fight.
If have to fight, make sure you are prepared. It’s good to get some basic self-defense training, and to make sure that you are able and ready to defend yourself or someone else if needed.
Manlihood ManCast Podcast for Men from Josh Hatcher of Manlihood.com
Josh Hatcher of Manlihood.com talks about the most important piece of furniture you own.
The Kitchen Table.
Eating dinner with your family is one of the most important things you can do. It’s no always easy to do in today’s world – but it’s important to make it a priority as often as possible. Even eating around your kitchen table with friends has a tremendous value!
Manlihood ManCast Podcast for Men from Josh Hatcher of Manlihood.com
