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What to do if you’re thinking about getting a tattoo

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tattooBy Mike Miller

 

First of all, I strongly encourage you not to get one if you are not at least eighteen years old. This doesn’t mean that you can’t, but you may regret it later on in life.  If you aren’t eighteen or older you will need the permission of a parent, however and good luck convincing mom and dad. I remember when I was in high school on the wrestling team when most of the members of the team got a tattoo on the side of their calf.  I wanted to fit in, but I decided not to get one, thank God.  Back then I was into the Tasmanian devil, and I’m not sure why.  So guess what I planned on getting tattooed on my calf? I am lucky that I made the right decision because today that thing would probably look like a drunken Sasquatch.

 

I got my first tattoo (actually two of them – one on the side of each calf ironically) when I was twenty three years old. Now at the ripe age of thirty four I have ten of those pieces of art permanently a part of my everyday life.  I am not the same person I was when I was twenty three.  I had a different mindset back then, a different perspective of life, and a different attitude. I have matured a lot since then and have experienced much more. With that said, there are at least three of my tattoos that I wouldn’t have gotten if I could do it over.  It’s not that I don’t like them; it’s just that I would have gotten something else, or gotten them in different places.

 

If you have your heart set on getting a tattoo please follow this advice.  Think long and hard about what you want to get.  You don’t want to be the guy at a pool party in his forties with his shirt off sporting a squirrel on his left shoulder that used to be Alvin the chipmunk.  You may have loved the chipmunks growing up, but you will certainly be the humor of the pool party amongst your friends because of the poor decision you made when you were sixteen. Also, think about where you want to get the tattoo – especially if you are young, have a professional career, or are planning on having a professional career.  If you are a salesman for a multi-million dollar company you probably shouldn’t get a pinup girl on your neck. If you are fresh out of college getting ready to interview to start a career it would be wise to avoid getting a spider tattooed on your hand.  Also, research the tattoo artists of your area to make sure you get a good one. Not all tattoo artists are good, and not all are professional.

 

Remember, if you are unsure, don’t get one.  If you are sure, make sure it’s something that has meaning to you and always will.  It’s not wise to get your girlfriend’s name tattooed across your back, because you may not be with her forever. I always tell people to avoid names unless it’s your children.  That is fine because they will always be your children. Some people have gotten their pet’s names as well, which is fine if you are that much of an animal lover.  Lastly, check over the work just before getting tattooed. This is vital. There have been times where people got miss-spelled tattoos because they didn’t pay attention to the detail.

 

 

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Five Things not to do on a First Date

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7007037311_ca8b71715d_oBy Michael Miller

 

We are men.  Even if we happen to be young men, we are still men.  We generally spend a lot of time thinking about women.  Most of us have been on at least a handful of first dates.  The excitement of going out with a beautiful woman, the anxiety of hoping we impress her, the ambivalent feelings about what to do or what to say.

The time comes and our heart pounds ferociously as the jitters take over.  We try to play in our mind how to act.  Should we attempt to hold her hand?  Should we talk about ourselves to try to impress her?  Many questions just like these sprint through our mind.  Well, this article is going to tell you five things that you should never, ever do on a first date. If you don’t do any of these the odds of getting a second date with your gorgeous princess will significantly increase.

 

1)      Don’t talk about past relationships

 

This is a big turn off. She doesn’t want to hear about how much of an idiot Lindsay was, how controlling Debbie was, or how jealous Michelle was.  She certainly doesn’t want to hear about the good times you had with Amber, how nice Mary’s boobs were, or how good of a kisser Brittany was. Do not talk about any ex during this first date – PERIOD.

 

2)      Don’t be negative

 

No female is interested in a guy who complains about everything. Be positive, relaxed, and enjoy your conversations with her. She isn’t going to be impressed with you talking about how much you hate your job, how your brother irritates you, and why the President of the United States is an idiot. If you’ve had a really bad week, which happens, reschedule your date.

 

3)      Don’t talk about yourself too much

 

Women want to know that a man cares about what she has to say.  You need to listen more than you talk and ask appropriate questions about her. Stay engaged and talk about yourself only when she asks you direct questions about yourself. Even then, stay humble.

 

4)      Don’t text message

 

On a first date, she should get all of your attention.  It is completely rude to be texting your friends during a first date. Turn your phone to vibrate and resist the urge to check your text messages during the date. If you feel you need to check, just in case of emergency, excuse yourself first or go to the bathroom and do it there.

 

5)      Don’t talk about sex

 

If she’s a classy gal, she won’t want to hear about your favorite position, the porno you watched last night, how great you are in the sack, how many times you’d like to “do it” per week, or how you enjoy tongue rings. The date should be about getting to know her better, but not in that way.

with love jedidiah

With Love, Jedidiah; or What I Learned On My Trip To the Library

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By Jim McDonald

 

The technology age is upon us, and it has changed the way we live in many ways.  Many of us remember the days of buying paper magazines (seriously, are you still doing that?).  Today, we read the thoughts of complete strangers via the internet.  Dick Tracy’s two way wrist radio is kid’s stuff compared to the way we hold the wealth of the world’s collective knowledge in the palm of our hand, thanks to the masterminds at Apple and Google.  Considering how “the world has moved on” in the words of Roland Deschain, it’s interesting to consider what other changes have come our way.  One primary example is your local public library.

 

I haven’t had a library card in years, but as I have children who I desperately need to be quietly amused on long car trips, I felt it was time to revisit my local mecca of literature.  Lo and behold, the library is digital.  “Say what,” you say?  Yes, we all know print books are becoming irrelevant.  They are antiquated technology on par with cave paintings, tribal skull elongation, and planking (thank God planking is dead).  Walking into the building that was formerly ruled by the elderly gal with the stern gaze I found an area that looks much like that great coffee shop, Barnes And Noble.  I walked past a small bistro (apparently it’s a BYOC environment, as although there were plenty of tables and seating, there was no one making coffee – what a shame), conference rooms, teleconference rooms, and rows of computers before seeing, at long last, books.

 

Upon acquiring a new library card, because the library is digital now, and it’s just easier to put you in the computer than try to reactivate your old library card, perhaps you could sell it to an antique store, but the gal at the circulation desk wants to touch it as much as she does a dead rat, I was introduced to the truth about the modern library.  There’s no reason to ever go into a modern library.  Seriously.  I live in a small area, with a population that consists of three families, some farm animals, and a guy no one wants to admit has moved to town (guess which one I am).  All the same, the most recent additions to the library’s catalog come in the form of e-books and audiobooks.  Wait, I don’t need to leave my home to visit the library.  Nope.  It’s all online.  Saddle up your Kindle and hit the electronic trails of internet enabled fiction.  Sorry, I mean the library website, not CNN.com.

 

At this point I would like to share what I learned on first trip to the library’s e-book portal, and it may shock many men.  After browsing the rather modest collection of electronic literature I offer the following:

 

  1.  Libraries are primarily used by women.  How do I know this?  90% of the fiction titles have some half-dressed, muscular dude on the front.  Obviously, his ego is way out of control, because he has no idea that I have no interest in staring at his pecs.
  2. Women are constantly aroused.  Why do I say this?  See point number 1 for details.  Women’s literature comes in two forms:  hot, steamy, sexy romance and gardening.  If your gal doesn’t have a garden, she’s probably ready at a moment’s notice.  Obviously, they maintain control over the world’s male populace by being ready constantly, but exercising enough self-control to choose the time and place, giving them the upper hand in all matters marital.  Touché girls.  Well played.
  3. Women love Amish guys.  Seriously, have you seen the plethora of Amish romance novels lately?  I asked my wife if she wants to be Amish, or ever wonders what life would be like if she ended up with a man with a beard but no mustache.  While she denies both, the local library says otherwise.  Chicks dig men who dig the soil.
  4. Reference books and self-help books are roughly the same, and if they don’t reference Oprah Winfrey at least once they’re of no value to the local library.  I don’t make the rules, I just mock them.

 

So, men, we have two choices.  Rise up against our local library and demand books on spies, aliens, motorcycle repair, and demolition for fun and profit, or grow a beard (but not a mustache) and pick up a shovel.  The things I have learned about the female of the species from my trip to the library are confusing, and frankly, I’m afraid to speak to girls again for the first time since high school.  Not because I’m shy, but if the library collection has taught me anything it’s that girls are weird and are best avoided.  I feel their brains have been addled by cooties, and ain’t nobody got time for that!

 

In closing, if you’re Amish, and a fan of Amish romance e-books, please email me and let me know what the allure is of this relatively new, and wholly confusing, genre of literature.  I have a bevy of questions for you, such as how are you emailing me in the first place?  Is this a recruiting tactic?  Are the Amish now using the internet to lure unsuspecting women into the lifestyle?  I fear the rabbit hole runs deep on this one, and the truth is out there, at your local library.

lionpride

(Pride) In The Name of Love

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lionprideOnce again Dallas, TX has officially proclaimed the month of June to be Pride Month.  This is in response to a request brought forth by the LGBT task force, commemorating the Stonewall Riots, one of the first major public battles toward equality for homosexual US citizens.  In many ways the homosexual community is still treated like second class citizens, though they have gained a lot of headway in the decades which have passed since this historic event.  All politics aside, this got me thinking about what I’m proud of.  The list has changed over the years, but a few key aspects of life have informed both my identity, and are the anchors of my pride.

 

A primary factor in my life is my faith.  I am a committed Christian, and I’m proud of my faith, and the heritage and direction it gives to my life.  In recent years I feel like many have tried to make me feel guilty about such a traditional view, but let’s take a moment to clear the air.  I don’t think that every Muslim is out to kill.  The adherents to Islam I have met are intelligent people who never appear to be on the edge of murder.  I don’t feel religious people have the right to ridicule homosexuals.  It’s not our place to make anyone else feel like less of a human, or to cast scorn, hatred, or derision upon anyone, for any reason, sexual orientation included.  I don’t disregard science due to blind adherence to the Bible.  Actually, I think the two can go hand in hand.  No, I don’t think the world is only 6,000 years old, and my children have been vaccinated.  My best friend of over 20 years is an atheist – I will never exclude you for thinking differently than I do.  Christianity has received a lot of bad press in recent years, but I know that it has taken me from an immature man child with no goals to a successful man with a great career, good friends and a wonderful family.

 

And on that note, I’m proud of my family.  I have a beautiful, intelligent, creative wife who is a constant source of wonder and amazement.  Seriously, she has ideas that would never cross my mind, and often fills in the gaps in my own thought process.  We have two beautiful little girls, and a son with Asperger’s Syndrome.  We are not a perfect family.  We disagree, and sometimes mom and dad are too tired or stressed after a day of dealing with the black and white world view of an individual with an autism spectrum disorder.  If you’ve ever seen the television show “Parenthood” take note of character Max Braverman.  I assure you it’s a very accurate depiction of the stresses that come with a child on the autism spectrum.  This year has seen our aspie son, the oldest of our three, make huge strides toward maturity, while our youngest, a girl of four with a wit sharper than many adults, enter preschool.  While we are flawed in many ways, I am proud to be the father and husband to a loving, challenging family.

 

I am proud of my heritage.  I have already mentioned the Christian heritage that grounds my faith, but in a way many of us can relate to I am proud of my country.  The USA has made its share of mistakes, and while I often disagree with those in power, I like the fact that we can all be equal.  Christian and atheist, gay and straight, no matter your outlook, spirituality, race, creed or disability (and we all have disabilities to one extent or another), we are allowed to live as we see fit, barring that we injure no other.  That’s awesome.  Yes, I know many are looked down on for various reasons, but when I see countries in the Middle East stoning homosexuals and publicly shaming, or even murdering, people who oppose the predominant faith, I’m glad that people of dissimilar views are allowed to live, more than this – expected to live, unmolested in my country.

 

To go even deeper, I recently introduced my children to our racial heritage by visiting a local museum dedicated to the Native Americans that originally populated our area.  I am but a few generations removed from those who lived on the reservation.  It was difficult to explain to my children that we have a rich heritage that does not require wearing animal skins, donning feathers and dancing around a fire.  Native Americans have left an indelible mark on this nation, and are present in every industry and walk of life in the US.  While my family may not practice the traditions of our forebears, it’s important to know where we come from, and to know take pride in how far we have come, as a society, as a racial group, and as individuals.

 

Whether you agree with Dallas or not, we all have something we’re proud of.  I don’t know what it’s like to be discriminated against because of my sexuality, but I do know how it feels to be an outcast in other areas of life.  How it feels to be the only Christian in the room when others are discussing macroevolution – scorned for my views, but still proud of my faith.  How it feels to be the father of the kid with Asperger’s who is in tears because he doesn’t fit it with the other kids, yet still feeling pride in his small steps that other kids his age are leaps beyond.  To be proud of my heritage when all others think of are the clichés seen on television and movie screens, which are often miles removed from the truth.  This June I will celebrate Pride Month by taking stock of the things I am proud of, and remembering that I don’t have the right to tear down another for theirs.  By living this way I hope to rise above the static around me to find hope, respect and fellowship, even with those whose views I may not fully understand.

hail to the king baby

Hail To The King, Baby: The Most Underrated B Movies You’ve Never Seen

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hail to the king babyBy Jim McDonald

If you relieve yourself in a standing position there’s a movie you love that’s hideous.  The production values are so low as to be laughable, and the plot is full of more holes than your favorite old t-shirt.  Why is this?  I think it’s because men are doers.  We like to look at something and be able to say, “I could do that!”  While many of us have gone on to prove our right to add to the gene pool through the creation of cinematic blockbusters, our unsung heroes are those who create the fast food cheeseburger of the theater world, the B movie.

We all know the equation for a good B movie.  A replaceable plot that’s been rehashed more times than a man of average intelligence can count, cheap scenery, a small cast, and more than a little stock footage.  More than a few directors have attempted to stake their claim in the realm of low budget cinema by covering up a lack of creativity with boobs, blood and brutality, but a truly spectacular B movie offers something more.  A unique take that surpasses the overdone (and often overblown) themes to give the viewer something unexpected.  Something that will be cloned by mainstream movies for years to come, and provide a lifetime of inside jokes for those lucky enough to stumble across such a gem.  In this spirit I give you the most overlooked B movies of all time.

#5:  Evil Dead II:  Dead By Dawn – The Evil Dead trilogy is legendary.  The first and the third installments in the series, Evil Dead and Army Of Darkness, have rabid cult followings, but the true gem is the green kangaroo of this triad, Evil Dead II.  What do you think of when someone mentions Evil Dead?  Man with a chainsaw hand?  That had its origins in Evil Dead II.  How about the line “I’ll swallow your soul”?  Evil Dead II.  The word Necromonicon never appeared in the initial offering of Sam Raimi’s opus.  The humor that pervades B movie marvel Army Of Darkness had its twisted, 3 Stooges genesis in Evil Dead II.  The lack of nudity found in your run of the mill B movie fare won’t even be missed when you see the interesting shades of blood used in this flick (none of which are red) and the trippy puppetry as bad ass main character Ash slowly goes insane.

#4:  Killer Tomatoes Eat France – Everyone knows that Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes is the quintessential B movie.  Did you know that the folks that gave us paper mache tomatoes tormenting the United States gave us not one, but three sequels, three video games and an animated TV series?  By far the best of all of these is the final film feature in the tomato quadrilogy, Killer Tomatoes Eat France.  In the final epic of the violent vegetable franchise we see Professor Gangrene and his rebellious puppet tomatoes attack Europe in a final attempt at world domination which can only be thwarted by Skippy from 80s sitcom Family Ties.  I learned a great deal watching this movie, such as in France all men are called Frenchy and all women are named Marie.

#3:  Getting Lucky – This bizarre comedy about a nerd who wins the love of his life, the beautiful cheerleader Christy, with the help of a leprechaun trapped in a beer bottle as punishment for his drunken hijinks, is laugh out loud funny.  This is a prime example of nudity getting in the way of a good movie.  The skin shown is an annoying distraction from the constant humor of a rusty leprechaun botching every wish granted.  This movie has it all – a message of the importance of being eco-friendly, a love story, a man attacking himself with his own tennis racket, and a finale featuring a chase on horseback.  Standard B movie clichés abound, such as a cheesy soundtrack, poor acting (Christy seems distracted through the entire flick, and try not to laugh at the basketball coach’s  heartfelt instructions to his team) and actors playing teenagers that are obviously a decade too old for the role.  Getting Lucky is a gem that hasn’t seen the light of day since the death of USA Network’s Up All Night.

#2:  Starcrash – Remember how much you loved Star Wars?  Remember how you thought “it would be amazing if someone could do this on a shoestring budget, using legitimate actors who will hope everyone forgets they did this in the future”?  Welcome to Starcrash.  This 1979 space opera falls squarely between Star Wars and Xena Warrior Princess, all but ripping off the first and more than likely inspiring the second.  Space smuggler Stella Star (Bond girl Caroline Munro) must save the galaxy.  The emperor (Christopher Plummer – Captain Von Trapp from “The Sound of Music”)’s son (David Hasselhof) is at her side for an interstellar adventure that includes light saber battles, among other obvious Star Wars trappings.  All the action is set to an original score by John Barry (Midnight Cowboy, Goldfinger, Somewhere in Time, Dances with Wolves).  Secret weapons, frozen planets and lasers abound in this little known clunker that every sci-fi fan should view at least once.

#1:  Netherbeast Incorporated – Vampire movies have been done and overdone for years, but Netherbeast Incorporated offers something a little different.  A telephone company in Arizona is actually a front for Netherfolk, or in common lingo, vampires.  They live and work within the organization’s building, allowing the local vampire populace to live in a controlled environment away from the dangers of the mortal world.  When an executive begins to experience the vampire version of dementia (“the retardations”) and hires from outside the Netherfolk community the fun begins.  There are a lot of recognizable faces in Netherbeast Incorporated, including Steve Burns (Blue’s Clues), Jason Mewes (Clerks, Malrats, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back), Judd Nelson (The Breakfast Club), and Darrell Hammond (Saturday Night Live).  I have watched this movie numerous times, and it remains quirky, fun, and just plain funny every time.

There are several honorable mentions worth looking into.  The rock n’ roll vampire farce “Suck” is a hilarious movie, and includes Dave Foley, Alice Cooper, Moby, Henry Rollins and Malcolm McDowell in its cast.  1980s sci-fi nuggest “Night of the Creeps” and “Night of the Comet” are both incredibly fun.  Ed Wood’s very satisfying “The Bride of the Monster” is overshadowed by big brother “Plan 9 From Outer Space” though far superior in many ways.  With today’s technology anyone can make a movie.  I’m sure we’ll see more low budget jewels as time goes by.

Chuck Norris vs Bruce Lee

Chuck Norris Vs. Bruce Lee

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Chuck Norris vs Bruce LeeI remember being around ten year’s old watching martial arts movies with my best friend Marc.  He was a huge Bruce Lee fan, and I idolized Chuck Norris. We used to argue all the time about who would have won in a “real” fight. I say “would have” because this was in 1990 and Bruce died in 1973.  Who would have thought that I’d find that answer out years later from those who knew both of these gentlemen?

 

Many people base their opinion about these two martial arts icons off of the movie Return of the Dragon where they fought each other at the end of the movie, and Bruce ended up killing Chuck.  Because of that movie some people feel Bruce was superior. They forget that it was only a movie.  Bruce was abnormally gifted.  He was a little guy at 5’7” and 146 pounds who hit like a heavyweight and was arguably the fastest striker this planet has ever seen.  He certainly was nobody to mess with, but neither was Chuck. Chuck was the first American to ever receive a black belt in a Korean style (Tae Kwon Do), which was an amazing feat.

 

Bruce was phenomenal and certainly the most iconic person in martial arts history, and he has done the most for the industry in my opinion. Joe Lewis, the greatest heavyweight kickboxer of all time (and one of my instructors) trained with Bruce many times.  Joe was a world champion Karate fighter before he even met Bruce.  Bruce asked him to become a student under him.  Joe liked what Bruce had to offer so he did.  He learned from Bruce for around two years.  There have been times where Bruce took credit for Joe Lewis’s success. Joe was already a champion before he started training with Bruce.  Joe mentioned in an article one time that the image of Bruce was much different than the reality of Bruce.  He never fought in the ring, but many of those who knew him say he would have done well.  He was phenomenal, but he never proved himself the way Chuck Norris, Joe Lewis and Bill “Superfoot” Wallace have.  “Bruce was not a fighter,” Lewis said in one interview. “He was an actor and a teacher. He was a great teacher.”

 

 

According to Chuck Norris, he and Bruce “sparred.”  If you are not familiar with that term, it simply means that they fought each other in a friendly fashion outside of a sanctioned tournament or match.  Usually you go about 80 percent or so and if you daze your sparring partner you back off and let him regroup.  In a real bout you go 100 percent, and if you daze him, you do whatever you can to finish him within the context of the rules.

 

Bruce never believed in high kicks. Chuck was a black belt in a Korean style (known for high kicking) and he educated Bruce that if he learned to kick high it would make his lower kicks a lot better.  Bruce ended up loving high kicks after that.  During the sparring session Chuck got the best of Bruce and kept hitting him with a certain kick.  Bruce got frustrated and said, “You keep kicking me. How can I stop you from doing that?” Chuck replied with, “You could move.”  The old adage, “The best defense is to not be there” comes into play here, which  means that if someone is firing a punch or kick at you, just simply moving out of the line of fire is the best response.

 

My professional opinion comes from three of my instructors who actually knew Bruce Lee and worked out with him (Joe Lewis and two others).  My one instructor did very well against Bruce. The other instructor actually sparred Bruce, and then ended up fighting Chuck in a tournament. I remember one day I was with this instructor and a commercial came on that Chuck Norris was in. He looked at the television and said, “He kicked my ass.”  Then he proceeded to say that Chuck Norris would have ruined Bruce Lee in a fight.  This instructor said that when he sparred Bruce it was a pretty even match.  Bruce caught him with a good punch and then he kicked Bruce right in the balls and dropped him.  He then said when he fought Chuck, it wasn’t pretty. Chuck kicked his butt. By the way, this instructor of mine is certainly no slouch. He was one of Elvis Presley’s bodyguards.

 

So, according to a man who fought both of them, Chuck Norris would have beaten the tar out of Bruce Lee. Some others will disagree, but what really matters is that both of these fine men have done more for the martial arts industry than anybody else (primarily because of their movies) and both have learned from each other. With all that being said, let us never forget that Chuck Norris was an only child…eventually.