In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher tells us 5 relationships tips to save you a world of heartache.
Quick relationship tips that will save you a world of heartache.
1. She is not your whole world.
I know we like to say that because it sounds poetic, and it kind of feels like it. But don’t let her be your whole world. Make sure you have some good friends, and that you MAINTAIN those friendships (particularly with other men who build you up). Make sure you have some things that you can do without her. If you wrap your whole identity around her, you’re going to be in trouble if you encounter any problems.
2. You will have problems.
You’re either committed to work through them, or you are not. Make up your mind on the matter now.
3. Each of you is sovereign
Even though there is certainly an element of “submission” to each other involved in marriage – she submits to you – you lay down your life for her (just read ephesians) — it’s especially important to understand that each of you is sovereign. She has a right to her feelings and frustrations, as much as you do. You can’t get butthurt if she sees things from a different perspective, or if she prefers miracle whip to mayo. (I know – that’s probably a dealbreaker) Recognizing and acknowledging her sovereignty, as well as your own will allow you both to understand your value.
4. She doesn’t owe you anything.
You bought her dinner? She doesn’t have to sleep with you. You went to work for 16 hours? She doesn’t OWE you clean dishes. YES. It’s helpful for you to have arrangements and clear expectations of each other. But don’t think for a minute that love is transactional. You can’t purchase or earn affection. No one is indebted to give love to the other. Love is given as a free gift, or it’s not love at all.
5. You teach people how you want them to treat you.
If you tolerate disrespect, and if you give disrespect, you’ll get disrespect. You must set clear expectations of the behavior and communication you want to receive from them, and patiently correct them when they deliver something different.
Complaining, insults, intentionally hurtful words create a spiraling effect. One of you offers them up, the other retaliates.
Don’t expect her to show respect if you don’t. And if she doesn’t – rather than retaliate- calmly correct it and get to the root of why she’s feeling that way. Do it humbly. You very well might be the root of it. You don’t have to tolerate verbally abusive and hurtful language. But if there are patterns established, it will take patience to change those patterns.
Sweat, blood, seawater, sand. Caked all over my face. I could HEAR smoke. I could SMELL the cries of my wounded brothers. On mission. Storm the beach. Take the high ground. Push them back. Kill the Nazi’s.
D-Day was a battle like no other.
Lou’s grandfather landed on that beach.
“This operation is not being planned with any alternatives. This operation is planned as a victory, and that’s the way it’s going to be. We’re going down there, and we’re throwing everything we have into it, and we’re going to make it a success.”
General Dwight D Eisenhower
I don’t have such a direct connection to the real event, as far as I know, but I do know that this date, which will live in infamy, is also the anniversary of my own internal battle.
Life was a whirlwind of chaos. Missed deadlines, jobs not panning out. Spinning the Roulette Wheel of “What Bill Doesn’t Get Paid This Month.” And the fog and stench of my own personal war was ever present.
I didn’t believe in ADHD.
It was just something the pharmaceutical companies made up. I didn’t dare take any medication. I didn’t want to inhibit my creativity. It wasn’t a chemical imbalance anyway.
And there I say, watching yet another ball get dropped. Yet another of my “soldiers” fall on the shore.
I was buried under responsibilities I couldn’t even wrap my head around.
My friend had similar struggles. He sent me a text. “Dude. You up? Can I call you?” He had lost a lot of weight, I knew this was one of “those calls.” I’d had a thousand of them from well-meaning friends who tried to help.
He told me about his ketogenic diet. (I have literally tried it before)
He told me about the ADHD medication he was taking. (I was skeptical)
He told me, “Man. Do this with me. You can do it. I’ll help you.”
Okay, Dennis. I’m game. I’m tired of this. Where do I start?
He told me to go look at myself in the mirror. Do you see that ugly guy? Tell him you hate him. That you don’t want to see him again. Then make a fist, look at that fist. When you see that ugly guy, you punch him down.
I went to the mirror. Even at 430 pounds, I said, “Dang. I’m sexy!”
Dennis, it’s not working.
His internal fuel is different from mine, for sure.
Self-hatred might motivate some, but I’m too cocky for that.
We will accept nothing less than full victory! Good luck! And let us all beseech the blessing of Almighty God upon this great and noble undertaking.
Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower, Supreme Allied Commander, 6 June 1944.
A few days later, June 6, 2018, I sat outside in the warm June air. And started thinking about D-Day.
D-Day wasn’t just about the taking of that beach at Normandy.
V-E Day was the day of victory over Europe. It was 11 months later. V-J Day was the day of victory over Japan. It was 14 months later.
D-Day was called that because it was the DECISION DAY – the day of decisive victory. Because we won that battle, victory for the rest of the war was assured.
There was a lot more war after that. A lot more carnage and cost and casualty.
But at THAT battle at Omaha Beach, our boots on the ground, our transports dumping men off in droves to overwhelm on stronghold, we changed the course of the war.
“God almighty, in a few short hours we will be in battle with the enemy. We do not join battle afraid. We do not ask favors or indulgence but ask that, if You will, use us as Your instrument for the right and an aid in returning peace to the world.”
Lt Col Robert L Wolverton, commanding officer of 3rd battalion, 506th PIR.
As I thought about that battle, and what it meant, I decided, then and there, that it was my D-Day. I was going to make the choice to never go back. I would not be the same.This day would decide the course of the rest of my life.
I talked to my doctor. I decided to give some medication a shot.
I decided to give a ketogenic diet a shot.
I took a new job.I decided that I’ll be a rockstar at it and I WILL excel.
I changed my attitude about everything. I will not say “I can’t” anymore.
I determined to lead my family the way they need to be led. I determined to love my wife the way she needs to be loved. I determined to lead myself the way I need to be led. I determined to stop accepting a poverty mindset. I determined to be who I’m meant to be. It was the day of decisive victory.
And one at a time – my own V-Days keep arriving.
Last D-Day, I set my first goal of losing 100 pounds by June 6. And I’m there. I’ve done it. If that goal has taught me anything – it’s that setting my intention, and saying that I can and will do something is powerful.
I wish I could say that all my problems were fixed, but I can say that they are getting better. Meeting this goal has transformed my way of thinking. It has empowered me. I have no desire to stay the same. I have no desire to remain defeated. I will not.
I want you to make this your D-Day. What changes do you need to make? What do you want to accomplish? What mindsets do you need to change? What goals do you need to set?
Grab a piece of paper and a pen. Write down your goals. Write down this sentence.
Starting today, I will ______________________ and I will celebrate my victory one year from today
My little brother had a really awesome toy when we were kids.
My Pet Monster.
It was almost as big as he was, covered in blue fur, with glow in the dark teeth and a big warty nose.
He came with an awesome accessory – a set of rubber shackles with a plastic chain between them. There was a false link in the middle, that would pop loose with a little force.
We would play cops and robbers, and take turns being arrested. Then, we’d “hulk out” and break off the shackles and run away.
You’ll never catch me, Copper!
Mike* was an addict. His wife and kids had died in a crash. He treated that pain with booze. The booze wasn’t enough. So he smoked pot. The pot wasn’t enough, so he started popping pills. It wasn’t long before heroin and cocaine were as essential as his morning coffee.
Dude was hurting. Badly. Unfortunately, self-medicating with toxins has a number of side effects, including an inability to hold down a job, an inability to keep a relationship, and an inability to drive safely.
He wanted to die. Tried to a few times.
He packed up and moved to the opposite coast, in an attempt to escape his chains. They followed him.
Several DWI’s later, he wound up with a prison sentence.
His emotional pain turned into a physical condition where his body depended on poison. His pain made him a slave.
Before MIke went in, he had his “Hand of God” moment – where he actually literally met God – but that’s another story for another day. Mike hit the ground hard, and renounced the mess that he was in.
Something BAD happened to Mike. Mike chose slavery in the hopes that it would make him feel better. It didn’t. He felt worse, and wanted to die. Tried to strangle himself with his chains. Tried to run, but he took his chains with him.
When a slave runs, a slavemaster will try to capture him, and punish him for leaving.
Mike broke the chains off. Got clean. Made a drastic change.
But he still had consequences.
I sent him this message before he went in. “Hey bro. I know you don’t want to go. Nobody wants to go to prison. But you’ve made changes while you’ve been waiting for this sentence to come down. You’ve walked out of the chains you had, and become an entirely different person.
Prison is certainly a consequence – but maybe it’s a privilege too?
You’ve been chosen to go on mission. To walk into that place as a changed man. You aren’t there to be punished – you’re there to be a lighthouse. To shine a beacon for all the others there. To show them that chains can be broken.”
He’s out now. Clean. Sober. Free.
No chains. No shackles. No prison walls. I’m sure he still has hurt. He’s scarred up on the inside. And he goes to AA meetings and churches and tells them that chance is possible. That chains can be broken.
My own story doesn’t feel as dramatic. Sometimes part of me wishes I had a story like that. Prison, Heroin. Freedom.
But I’m also really glad that I don’t.
But I know chains. I know them well. I also know the sound they make when they hit the floor.
I sent an email to a bunch of men I respected to get their thoughts. Here’s what it said.
I’ve got a big crazy idea. Not sure what your thoughts are – or if you are interested in partnering with me on it –
But it will definitely need a TEAM to make it work.
Have you ever picked up a copy of GQ or Men’s Health? I LIKE those magazines – except they’re full of a lot of advice that isn’t exactly GOOD advice.
I’d really like to create a blog – and if you’ve received this email – it’s because I think that you have an area of expertise that could really offer a lot – and I think you’re a “manly man”. The people to whom I’ve sent this email also represent a broad scope of styles, and philosophies (while all maintaining a missional christian ethic)
I think there is a generation of “emerging” men who have no idea what it means to be a “gentleman” – in areas of business, relationships, spirituality, family, and even recreation. “Masculinity” is typically a lesson that dad’s teach sons – but I think that we could really help “define” and invest in (and even entertain) men with our insights and our unique qualifications.
Sent March 2012
It took a little over a year for that idea to turn into Manlihood.com And it’s taken six years for Manlihood to become what it is today!
Since we started, we’ve interacted with thousands of men.
We’ve seen many men reignite a passion to live as better men. And it’s brought a joy and sense of mission to my life. I’m so grateful for all of you that have read, shared, and participate in making Manlihood great!
Our Most Read Blog Posts
Looking back, we’ve had a lot of posts that have pulled in some interesting discussion, and made an impact.
So what is the Manlihood vision for personal development for men?
Here’s a look at our Manlihood Purpose / Mission / Vision / Values
Purpose:
Because the world needs men to lead in their families and communities, and because so many men have struggled to understand their value, Manlihood exists to help men become better men.
Mission:
The Manlihood Mission is to Educate, Equip, and Entertain Men in an Engaging Way.
Vision:
The Manlihood vision is to create resources to educate and equip men, to foster a thriving community of men, where bonds of brotherhood and accountability form. We seek to help men be better fathers, husbands, leaders, friends. We want to build through Manlihood a financially sustainable architecture that can support itself, but also to incubate ideas and opportunities from within the Manlihood community that support our purpose and mission.
Values:
Men matter.
Family matters.
Integrity and Honor matter.
Personal Responsibility matters. (If it is to be, it’s up to me.)
Men thrive and grow in community and brotherhood with each other.
Truth is everywhere. Wisdom knows how to pick it out.
Men should value and respect women. (People should respect people.)
Perseverance, Self-control and Self-discipline are sacred and essential.
Words are powerful, and how we use them matters.
Leadership is steeped in influence and responsibility. (Everyone is a leader, and everyone should embrace and nurture that role.)
Thank you again so much for supporting the mission of Manlihood! Please keep reading, commenting, sharing and telling your friends!
Lou Costa Shares his take on Motivation and Mindset
I’m Bleeding Me.
I’m sprinting, full bore down a local sidewalk on this fog cloaked Saturday morning while thick steam pushes off my head and out from under my drawn hood. The potent mix of this chilly day break and sweat soaked knit cap is causing blinding condensation on my coke bottle thick prescription Persol sunglasses.
The streaked lenses are rendering me damn near as useless with them, as without.
One stem of my jet black shades is held together with a caked glob of “Krazy” branded super glue. I imagine the factory adhesive that used to hold this frame together has slowly been worn away from the constant bombardment of my own workout “shmelting.” Toxically eroding the once finely crafted plastic, the lubricated slickness of my skin is now causing me to relentlessly adjust these damned scratched spectacles on my wind beaten face.
Granted It is I, who has insisted completion of this torture, but that doesn’t make this last speed interval any less maddening as I claw at these damned glasses.
The Cold Gear sweatshirt I am wearing was bought from an UnderArmour Factory outlet for 29.99 – 7 years ago. Smeared snot from my sick 3 year old’s very curious and wipe-y hands sticks off the Camo Logo. I look down and notice a large crusty, rock hard boog swath across my chest. I am oddly proud and slightly disgusted at the same time.
The pungent smelling neck of this battle tested garment has long been stretched and cut appropriately to allow the trapped heat of my un-showered body to rise directly into my flared nostrils.
I cannot say I am opposed to my own personal brand of executive man musk.
This, my favorite hoodie comes adorned with sodium stained watermarks that have successfully tracked the output from my previous week’s training sessions simultaneously outing my lacking laundry habit as well. The faded and stained white analysis of these left over effort rings are as telling as any FitBit or popular workout device could possibly report back post workout.
ALWAYS … WORK HARDER!
is the message I take from the ripe sweat rings clinging to this stank and mucus stained garb. That same analysis is what ALL the hi-tech algorithm of today’s fitness trackers’ SHOULD have suggested to you in the first place.
Sadly, they haven’t.
A couple walking their medium sized wiener dog just casually switched to the other side of the track. After watching me barrel around the corner they must have deduced that my laboring frame beating down this frozen course rather asthmatically gasping for each stinging breath is NOT something they REALLY wanted to deal with this early in the morning.
I get their point.
Metallica’s “Bleeding Me” is blaring into my slightly deaf left ear while barely buzzing out of the the recently broken right ear piece. Some sort of blue, itchy plastic is now exposed where the sleek contoured covering used to sit comfortably inside of my inner ear canal. The constant irritating scraping from this strange material is annoying but the broken bud still succeeds in muting the outside world from James Hetfield’s soulful growls.
So how can I REALLY complain?
I won’t replace the broken product because I am a serial DESTROYER of all listening devices. The now yellowish apple cord of this particular pair caught on the corner of my beaten red Cardillo belt last week while I was deadlifting in my damp water soaked basement. The right bud ripped harshly to the floor as I felt the accumulation of blood start to pool inside, muddying the sound of my smooth streaming #LouLife Spotify playlist and bothering me for the rest of the training session.
These things happen from time to time.
So, I suspect a new perfectly white pair of headphones would befall a similar fate as the last 3 have anyway. F— it, until they are completely destroyed I ORDER them to soldier on dutifully.
I am bent over, hands on knees and body laboring post sprint work. Waiting for my temples to stop pounding and my equilibrium to recalibrate, I sometimes wonder if this will be the time I actually just slump over in a large taco-loving mass and things simply fade to black. Could this be the day?
Sometimes I wonder If that permanent scenario would actually be worse than the feeling of this physical pain.
Shuddering. Dripping. Freezing. Blinded. I stand and start to slowly walk forward. Eh, I guess we shall live on today, I think. Too bad 🙂
My heartbeat POUNDS out of my chest but I am controlling its slowed rate recovery by a few deeply forced breaths of January air. Inside my body, these breaths pierce every piece of tissue they come into contact with. The expended CO2 I bellow out deep from my lungs heaves clouds of warmed exhale back into the frigid atmosphere.
The natural sinew emitting from my mouth resembles a locomotive’s timed puff-clouds fading back into the morning’s moisture. These almost embarrassingly but beautifully plumed smoke signals reveal the actual effort it has taken to move this large vessel of mine at such mediocre speeds.
My heart stops wrenching in my chest after a few seconds of paced walking and the metronome control I’ve mastered over it through years of strength training kicks in.
The realization that my feet are becoming numb from the snow and ice mixture that have accumulated from nature’s obstacles along this route has crept into my conscious from the break in action. I think for a second I should’ve worn thicker socks but decide quickly that it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.
I pull my 2009 iPod out of my pocket with cracked and dried hands, thickened from the continued abuse I insist they suffer through. Today it is the elements I wish for them to endure. Tomorrow it will be repeatedly picking up a moldy soaked 200lb sandbag and flinging it over a pre-set bar until my back screams to stop. The day after tomorrow they will be made to grip a freezing steel 2-inch-handled sledgehammer as I smash it into a beaten old tractor tire until I am satisfied.
For now, these achy digits simply hit repeat on Metallica’s 8 minute and 18 second masterpiece that will drive me forward to a warm kitchen on the final trip home to cook Dad’s special “cheese egg” breakfast for my family. After a few failed attempts from the slightly outdated water-laden touch screen I manage to succeed JUST as the symphony’s chords hit and RIGHT before anger engulfs my thought process.Pausing for a moment I take one last huge gasp of air and sneer at the last amount of suffering that I am about to inflict on my system.
Then… I simply take off running at full speed with no second thought. Spraying slush off the ends of my muddied Nikes I disappear into the dark fog. My legs have started shaking uncontrollably on the journey home to the point I CANNOT sprint the incline of my neighborhood’s sidewalks any longer. Forced to finish in low 4wheel drive, I gear down to smash the last 40 yards of pavement with a fast and deliberate march.
If you want to, listen closely and you will understand through the buzzing music emitting from blue torn plastic into my scabbed over ear.
I believe in the power of strength training, fitness, exercise
or whichever your niche’ in the world of workout … to drive and to change your life. There is a discipline involved in training and great reward for those of us who constantly evolve our bodies shape, size and strength. This reward is one that I personally believe very deeply having been a personal trainer, strength coach and mentor to many young athletes for many years.
My journey through this life has run the gambit of emotion from grand elation to dumbass mishap and taken every single turn in between one could conjure up. The anchor through my course of existence has always been my commitment to strength and the positivity surrounding that dedication.
Lou Costa of Ironmill
The connection I have to training is actually palpable, almost indescribable when you work for something so hard that was thought impossible a month, a year, a decade ago … and now that same un moveable obstacle bends to your will as you grow in knowledge, strength and power.
It is that feeling that I wish to share with our community. The power to change after failure, to adapt and then to
OVERCOME.
When we drive ourselves to capabilities that others are unable to understand or comprehend, we form a bond amongst us.
Ironmill and Manlihood is a place to share that bond.
The Brother of “Iron”
…where the passion of sharing a wealth of information, experience, media and change is more than just welcomed, it is encouraged. If you read our philosophy and there is a fire sparked inside of you to introduce yourself to that idea of dedication, 100 % percent effort and absolute pride in yourself to not only change your physique but to cause a real shift your thinking … than we have accomplished our initial goal.
We here at Ironmill believe to our core that the commitment and knowledge we help instill in you to succeed to the betterment of your personal fitness goals will extend far past squats, deadlifts and dumbells. We believe that the commitment to the betterment of yourself will translate deeply into a more positive life as well.
Rise X Up!
I write that last statement with absolute sincerity.
I write that sincerely because that commitment and knowledge has changed many people’s lives around me.
It has brought us into this community together.
It has given us focus.
It has instilled work ethic.
It has forced a paradigm shift in our thinking. It makes the impossible, possible.
It suits us with the armor to overcome anything we are willing to work towards.
It is the passion forged within ourselves and brought together by the common bond of a stronger you.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher tells us why he doesn’t want you to follow him.
Who do you think you are? How can a fat guy making peanuts tell me how to live my life? Why should I take advice from the guy that doesn’t look or act nearly as manly as I do? That Hatcher guy isn’t manly at all! What gives him the right to say that?
I think about these kinds of questions a lot. Fortunately – none of you mutter them out loud… though I’m sure those questions may occasionally bounce around in your heads.
I’m not here to tell you how to be rich. I’m not here to tell you how to be healthy. I’m not here to tell you how to do anything from a position of superiority.
Many of the men’s groups and authors and people that I follow are touting themselves as a “mastermind” group and they say, “Don’t take advice from anyone who is a failure.” or “Don’t ask a broke person about money.”
I want to make something clear. I am not perfect, nor am I trying to build “followers” – I don’t want to make you guys “disciples” of me.
What I want to do is to encourage you guys to work on your life…. to work on your marriages… to work on your kids… to work on your character… and to build the kind of relationships that help you do that.
“Self-improvement” (I like this term better than self-help) is really what I want us all to look at. No matter where we fall on the scale financially, or where we fall on the scale in physical health, or courage, or relationships – we all ought to be able to look at our lives and evaluate how we can improve them.
I’m a work in progress. I screw stuff up all the time. I’m still looking for what works. If you are hoping to follow a guru who has it all together – I’m going to tell you something – you’re not going to find him.
He may be rich, but he’s a douche.
He may be super fit, but he’s on his fifth marriage and he’s having an affair.
He may be a great husband and father, but he eats too many donuts.
Stop trying to find the perfect coach, the perfect mentor, the perfect leader – and if you need perfection to follow – I’ll point you to Jesus. (ask me what I’m talking about if you want to know more.)
But aside from that – in the here and the now – Here’s where Josh Hatcher fits into the mix.
I’m a good Dad. I’m a good husband. Not a perfect one – but a good one.
I have a good eye for how to do those things well.
I’m also pretty good at making strategy, and planning.
I’m also pretty good at how to relate with friends, how to resolve issues, and how to be a leader in your home, work, and community.
These are the things that I can teach you. And that’s what I’ll invest my time and energy into.
I’m also pretty good at fostering community, getting people to think, and getting people to discuss things.
So I’m hoping that if you have questions, I can help you find the answers by connecting you with others in our “band of merry men.”
That also means, though, gentlemen – for this to work, and to work well – we all have to do our part – to share from the places we excel, so we can help other brothers succeed as well!
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher says you have to deal with your crap, and tells you how he dealt with his.
Deal with your crap. A while back, I had to deal with a sewer problem. Digging out a trench to move the crap so I could get to the pipe. I was covered in crap. I took a shower and got out and while drying off, I still smelled crap. It was gross. And I had to hop back in the shower again.
I went to a funeral for an old friend. He had a lot of pain. A lot of crap.He choose to numb that pain by drinking and drugging until his liver quit. Through his addiction, he pushed his family away and hurt them.
I saw their grief as they choose to forgive him and to say goodbye.
He didn’t deal with his crap.
So… I don’t what kind of crap you guys are dealing with in your life… But make sure you deal with it!
No one likes to deal with crap.
But if you don’t deal with it, it can make you sick and kill you.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about the problem with “the blame game.”
The Blame Game is a destructive mindset that we all play from time to time. It’s an inneffective way to process any scenario, and we’ve got to level up our understanding, and put things in the proper perspective.
Blame looks for someone to punish Blame doesn’t fix the problem. Blame focuses more on shame than restoration.
Responsibility doesn’t care “Whose Fault?” Responsibility focuses on the fix. Responsibility restores.
Don’t blame, take responsibility. It doesn’t matter whose fault.
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Stop playing the blame game. Replace it with taking responsibility
The buck stops here. You are the only one who can change you. And you are the only one you can change.
As a man you are a leader – that means even more responsibility.
“any team, in any organization, all responsibility for success and failure rests with the leader. The leader must own everything in his or her world. There is no one else to blame. The leader must acknowledge mistakes and admit failures, take ownership of them, and develop a plan to win.”
“Implementing Extreme Ownership requires checking your ego and operating with a high degree of humility. Admitting mistakes, taking ownership, and developing a plan to overcome challenges are integral to any successful team.”
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about what it means to be a gentleman.
What it means to be a gentleman
The word gentleman has more connotations than it does definitions. It is important to clearly define what it means to be a gentleman, and to rid our minds of the mixed up messages we have often attached to the word.
I remember as a boy, well-meaning women teachers would use the word “gentlemen” to try to convince a class full of rowdy boys to sit still and be quiet.
Some boys, enthralled by the compliment of being referred to as “men” compiled. Most boys, offended at being called “gentle” didn’t comply.
I was often in the second category.
The word also conjures a cartoonish picture of a gentlemen of the Victorian era, in suit and bow tie, with a monocle and his hair parted in the middle.
He is not Popeye, Fred Flintstone or Yosemite Sam. He isn’t heroic or strong. He responds to tough circumstances with fear, or at best, really bad boxing form.
To this caricature, being gentle means being week.
To be a gentleman is not about being proper or mannered, or pedigreed or less likely to fight.
To be a gentlemen means to have honor… we give things and people the proper value, and treat them in a way that shows honor to their value.
That means showing courtesy and politeness when it matters.
That means showing respect where it is due.
That means treating people with kindness, and in some cases tenderness.
It also means defending that honor when sometime shows dishonor.
To be a gentleman is a choice to live in a way that shows honor, and return then deserves honor.
Chivalry is not Chauvinism
Maybe it’s because chivalry and chauvinism both involve men and how they view women…. Maybe it’s because they both start with “ch”… But the meaning of chivalry is often mixed with chauvinism.
chiv·al·ry
the medieval knightly system with its religious, moral, and social code.
knights, noblemen, and horsemen collectively.
the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, especially courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.
Chau·vin·ism
exaggerated or aggressive patriotism.
excessive or prejudiced loyalty or support for one’s own cause, group, or gender.
I don’t know if anyone even realizes they have connected the two words. I think it happened unconsciously somewhere around the time of the cultural revolution of the 60s.
I’ll be clear… that revolution for some very good things for women. There were many ridiculous ideas about women and their worth. Truly “male chauvinistic” ideas.
To be a gentleman is to value things rightly. To honor and respect women.
That sounds like chivalry to me.
Offering to hold the door for a woman didn’t mean we think she is weak. It means we want to show her honor.
It is polite to hold the door open for people, right?
Gentlemen show manners not just because of social norms or old fashioned rules… rather, that politeness comes out of a drive to honor people, to value people.
I can’t say that it will be ready to separate the cultural associations between chauvinism and chivalry, but we should strive to model that we are men of honor.
Moderated Ferocity
Gentle should never mean weak.
Erase that image from your head, and make sure to erase it from the minds of those around you.
I’ll never forget wrestling with my father when I was a boy and even a young man. My dad had some military training, some martial arts training, and years of brawling and fighting behind him. He was stronger than any man I knew.
He definitely showed that strength while we rolled around in the living room floor. He could have crushed my head, snapped a bone, or really seriously hurt me. But he didn’t. He was gentle.
Being gentle is not being weak. It is moderating and controlling strength.
The Allegheny River flowed through our backyard. We were twenty miles from the source, so some would have called it a creek. A very deep swimming hole right on our backyard used to draw young people from town who wanted to cool off in the brown water.
Many of those young people were very disrespectful to my dad’s property, and to my dad himself. He would hear kids cussing or fighting, or catch kids littering or even driving or drugging, and would walk down the river and set them straight. I watched boys and girls day things to my dad that should have been greeted with a smack to the face. But he always kept his cool. He would very firmly ask them to leave. If his eyes got fiery, those kids would scatter. Once in awhile, a young man would need to be physically removed. Dad had the strength and knowledge to cause serious harm. He never did.
That’s gentleness. That’s a gentleman. In control of his strength.
Courtesy and Kindness Go a long way
As men, we long to be known for our strength, or ruggedness. If we are not particularly strong, we may have shifted that to a desire to be known for our intellect or creativity. Either way, what each of us want, is supremacy. We want to be the best. We want to be the smartest. In fact, we often lie to ourselves very subtly, to tell ourselves that we are the best and most important person in the room. Even those who may take up the mantle to fight for the downtrodden seem to share this character trait. You see it from the Twitter feed of “social justice warriors” and even the old men swapping fish stories at the corner store over coffee. It’s human nature to put ourselves at the center of our own world.
A gentlemen shows a great that butts against this. Courtesy. Kindness.
To put someone else’s needs ahead of our own clashes with our own inner beast. And it often inspires the same response in others!
Let me challenge you directly, men. There are others who are smarter and stronger. And even those who are weaker and not as smart that need you to defer to them sometimes. They need you to step up and show kindness, politeness.
There are people that just need a smile, a laugh, a friend.
They might need you to offer a helping hand, or even make a sacrifice to help meet a bigger need.
I believe showing kindness goes against human nature, which is about self. Kindness though is built in is too… it’s built in because we are made in the image of God.
Let us never forget the kindness others have shown us, and let us live indebted to pay it forward in acts of love and service
Of Courtship and Flowerpicking
TRIGGER WARNING: I’m about to talk about old-fashioned ideas about relationships and sexuality. Don’t listen if you can’t handle the fact that I might hold ideas that you think are outdated or prudish. Better yet, listen anyway and give it some thought. The worst that can happen is you might be exposed to someone else’s viewpoint. Most likely, you’ll see that I’m a reasonable person.
Somewhere in our 50 Shades of Tinder and snapchat soaked generation of “thirsty” bros, we’ve completely abandoned some old school ideas that I think really matters.
Yes. I’m old fashioned. I’m okay with that. If you think differently than I do – I am not judging you, I’m not offended by you, and I won’t disrespect you.
I think sexuality should be reserved for marriage.
I think sexuality should be gentle, not degrading.
I think that dating shouldn’t be exclusive, and should have strings attached.
I think courtship, or “going steady” should be done carefully, and with the goal of marriage in mind.
I have a lot more old fashioned ideas about this. But I think this is enough to give you my framework.
When it comes to courtship and dating (and yes, there is a distinction between the two) there’s something a man must do. HIs toughness, wildness and strength is not TAMED by her – but rather, he is RESTRAINED for her.
He treats her gently, picks flowers for her, braids her hair, and as such, she sees in him the true beauty of his affection for her – his RESTRAINT.
If a man cares for a woman, treating her gently does not neuter him, does not tame him, does not make him any less tough – no – it’s a chance to prove his love by showing restraint.
I think that if he jumps the gun, and enters into a sexual relationship before the proper time (in my opinion, after marriage) then he demonstrates not restraint, but rather shows her his lack of self-control.
That same restraint is important in the bedroom after marriage as well. He reserves his sexuality only for her. He also continues to treat her gently.
Our porn-saturated culture has normalized the degrading of women during sex. I think that a true gentleman does not descend to calling a woman names, or inflicting pain during sex. That isn’t love, and shouldn’t be portrayed as such.
No matter the stage of your relationship – to be a gentleman, you must exercise self-control!
Remember, men, gentle does not mean weak. To be a gentleman means to be a man in control of himself.
