In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about the problem with “the blame game.”
The Blame Game is a destructive mindset that we all play from time to time. It’s an inneffective way to process any scenario, and we’ve got to level up our understanding, and put things in the proper perspective.
Blame looks for someone to punish Blame doesn’t fix the problem. Blame focuses more on shame than restoration.
Responsibility doesn’t care “Whose Fault?” Responsibility focuses on the fix. Responsibility restores.
Don’t blame, take responsibility. It doesn’t matter whose fault.
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Stop playing the blame game. Replace it with taking responsibility
The buck stops here. You are the only one who can change you. And you are the only one you can change.
As a man you are a leader – that means even more responsibility.
“any team, in any organization, all responsibility for success and failure rests with the leader. The leader must own everything in his or her world. There is no one else to blame. The leader must acknowledge mistakes and admit failures, take ownership of them, and develop a plan to win.”
“Implementing Extreme Ownership requires checking your ego and operating with a high degree of humility. Admitting mistakes, taking ownership, and developing a plan to overcome challenges are integral to any successful team.”
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about what it means to be a gentleman.
What it means to be a gentleman
The word gentleman has more connotations than it does definitions. It is important to clearly define what it means to be a gentleman, and to rid our minds of the mixed up messages we have often attached to the word.
I remember as a boy, well-meaning women teachers would use the word “gentlemen” to try to convince a class full of rowdy boys to sit still and be quiet.
Some boys, enthralled by the compliment of being referred to as “men” compiled. Most boys, offended at being called “gentle” didn’t comply.
I was often in the second category.
The word also conjures a cartoonish picture of a gentlemen of the Victorian era, in suit and bow tie, with a monocle and his hair parted in the middle.
He is not Popeye, Fred Flintstone or Yosemite Sam. He isn’t heroic or strong. He responds to tough circumstances with fear, or at best, really bad boxing form.
To this caricature, being gentle means being week.
To be a gentleman is not about being proper or mannered, or pedigreed or less likely to fight.
To be a gentlemen means to have honor… we give things and people the proper value, and treat them in a way that shows honor to their value.
That means showing courtesy and politeness when it matters.
That means showing respect where it is due.
That means treating people with kindness, and in some cases tenderness.
It also means defending that honor when sometime shows dishonor.
To be a gentleman is a choice to live in a way that shows honor, and return then deserves honor.
Chivalry is not Chauvinism
Maybe it’s because chivalry and chauvinism both involve men and how they view women…. Maybe it’s because they both start with “ch”… But the meaning of chivalry is often mixed with chauvinism.
chiv·al·ry
the medieval knightly system with its religious, moral, and social code.
knights, noblemen, and horsemen collectively.
the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, especially courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.
Chau·vin·ism
exaggerated or aggressive patriotism.
excessive or prejudiced loyalty or support for one’s own cause, group, or gender.
I don’t know if anyone even realizes they have connected the two words. I think it happened unconsciously somewhere around the time of the cultural revolution of the 60s.
I’ll be clear… that revolution for some very good things for women. There were many ridiculous ideas about women and their worth. Truly “male chauvinistic” ideas.
To be a gentleman is to value things rightly. To honor and respect women.
That sounds like chivalry to me.
Offering to hold the door for a woman didn’t mean we think she is weak. It means we want to show her honor.
It is polite to hold the door open for people, right?
Gentlemen show manners not just because of social norms or old fashioned rules… rather, that politeness comes out of a drive to honor people, to value people.
I can’t say that it will be ready to separate the cultural associations between chauvinism and chivalry, but we should strive to model that we are men of honor.
Moderated Ferocity
Gentle should never mean weak.
Erase that image from your head, and make sure to erase it from the minds of those around you.
I’ll never forget wrestling with my father when I was a boy and even a young man. My dad had some military training, some martial arts training, and years of brawling and fighting behind him. He was stronger than any man I knew.
He definitely showed that strength while we rolled around in the living room floor. He could have crushed my head, snapped a bone, or really seriously hurt me. But he didn’t. He was gentle.
Being gentle is not being weak. It is moderating and controlling strength.
The Allegheny River flowed through our backyard. We were twenty miles from the source, so some would have called it a creek. A very deep swimming hole right on our backyard used to draw young people from town who wanted to cool off in the brown water.
Many of those young people were very disrespectful to my dad’s property, and to my dad himself. He would hear kids cussing or fighting, or catch kids littering or even driving or drugging, and would walk down the river and set them straight. I watched boys and girls day things to my dad that should have been greeted with a smack to the face. But he always kept his cool. He would very firmly ask them to leave. If his eyes got fiery, those kids would scatter. Once in awhile, a young man would need to be physically removed. Dad had the strength and knowledge to cause serious harm. He never did.
That’s gentleness. That’s a gentleman. In control of his strength.
Courtesy and Kindness Go a long way
As men, we long to be known for our strength, or ruggedness. If we are not particularly strong, we may have shifted that to a desire to be known for our intellect or creativity. Either way, what each of us want, is supremacy. We want to be the best. We want to be the smartest. In fact, we often lie to ourselves very subtly, to tell ourselves that we are the best and most important person in the room. Even those who may take up the mantle to fight for the downtrodden seem to share this character trait. You see it from the Twitter feed of “social justice warriors” and even the old men swapping fish stories at the corner store over coffee. It’s human nature to put ourselves at the center of our own world.
A gentlemen shows a great that butts against this. Courtesy. Kindness.
To put someone else’s needs ahead of our own clashes with our own inner beast. And it often inspires the same response in others!
Let me challenge you directly, men. There are others who are smarter and stronger. And even those who are weaker and not as smart that need you to defer to them sometimes. They need you to step up and show kindness, politeness.
There are people that just need a smile, a laugh, a friend.
They might need you to offer a helping hand, or even make a sacrifice to help meet a bigger need.
I believe showing kindness goes against human nature, which is about self. Kindness though is built in is too… it’s built in because we are made in the image of God.
Let us never forget the kindness others have shown us, and let us live indebted to pay it forward in acts of love and service
Of Courtship and Flowerpicking
TRIGGER WARNING: I’m about to talk about old-fashioned ideas about relationships and sexuality. Don’t listen if you can’t handle the fact that I might hold ideas that you think are outdated or prudish. Better yet, listen anyway and give it some thought. The worst that can happen is you might be exposed to someone else’s viewpoint. Most likely, you’ll see that I’m a reasonable person.
Somewhere in our 50 Shades of Tinder and snapchat soaked generation of “thirsty” bros, we’ve completely abandoned some old school ideas that I think really matters.
Yes. I’m old fashioned. I’m okay with that. If you think differently than I do – I am not judging you, I’m not offended by you, and I won’t disrespect you.
I think sexuality should be reserved for marriage.
I think sexuality should be gentle, not degrading.
I think that dating shouldn’t be exclusive, and should have strings attached.
I think courtship, or “going steady” should be done carefully, and with the goal of marriage in mind.
I have a lot more old fashioned ideas about this. But I think this is enough to give you my framework.
When it comes to courtship and dating (and yes, there is a distinction between the two) there’s something a man must do. HIs toughness, wildness and strength is not TAMED by her – but rather, he is RESTRAINED for her.
He treats her gently, picks flowers for her, braids her hair, and as such, she sees in him the true beauty of his affection for her – his RESTRAINT.
If a man cares for a woman, treating her gently does not neuter him, does not tame him, does not make him any less tough – no – it’s a chance to prove his love by showing restraint.
I think that if he jumps the gun, and enters into a sexual relationship before the proper time (in my opinion, after marriage) then he demonstrates not restraint, but rather shows her his lack of self-control.
That same restraint is important in the bedroom after marriage as well. He reserves his sexuality only for her. He also continues to treat her gently.
Our porn-saturated culture has normalized the degrading of women during sex. I think that a true gentleman does not descend to calling a woman names, or inflicting pain during sex. That isn’t love, and shouldn’t be portrayed as such.
No matter the stage of your relationship – to be a gentleman, you must exercise self-control!
Remember, men, gentle does not mean weak. To be a gentleman means to be a man in control of himself.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher tells us how to love our wives more than we love ourself.
Balance the Old Fashioned ways with freedom and respect.
Sometime during the last cultural revolution, a number of ancient truths have been tossed aside. Losing some old and antiquated ideas may have been good for our culture in some ways- but in others, we’ve lost some of the ancient wisdom that held our society together.
Marriage may seem like an old fashioned idea. I’ve heard it described as “a contract for female slavery” and “a ridiculous old fashioned idea.”
I want to make it clear that I’m admittedly old fashioned about this. I’m proud of it and unapologetic. That doesn’t mean I’m judgmental of those who do things differently.
But I firmly believe that while marriage is old fashioned, it’s also not meant to place women in a lower or lesser place.
Marriage is meant to be a union of two people. Do I think there is a natural authority of husband and father in a home? Yes. But that authority and leadership does not imply inequality.
If you want to love your wife well, then you need to not have a “Leave it to Beaver” June Cleaver definition in your mind of what’s expected of her. Especially in today’s culture, when women work outside the home – don’t demand that she be your house servant as well. Cooking and cleaning are not just women’s work. We all have to chip in. If she is a stay at home wife, it may seem fair to ask her to do more than a wife who is working outside the home as much as you are. But make sure that any expectations you have are communicated and worked out together, not demanded, solely because she’s a woman.
The old fashioned part about marriage that I love – is that it’s about commitment. Life long commitment.
Your wedding vows were not “until I don’t feel like it anymore.” No – those vows were, “till death do us part.”
I understand that sometimes circumstances arise that change things, that make it difficult, that make it hard.
But make sure that for everything in your power, you do everything possible to honor that commitment. Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t make excuses. Just choose to honor your commitment.
Study her.
How well do you know her? I know that now that my wife and I are approaching the time in our life when we’ve been together longer than apart, I know her well. Very well. I can walk in the room, and without a word, I can tell what she’s thinking, or how she’s feeling. (Not always, of course – women, after all, are always mysterious and surprising sometimes.)
As we get older, this relationship changes and morphs. It’s not just physical or emotional. It’s spiritual.
I am not saying we are a perfect example – we frustrate each other and annoy each other all the time. But I can tell you that for almost 20 years, I’ve studied her.
When we were dating – we started out asking each other questions. When we were engaged, we read books together about marriage -and went through THREE different premarital counseling courses. We knew we were getting married young and making what everyone else thought was a bad decision – so we wanted to make sure we were well equipped to face it.
So we started off with a really strong foundation.
As we have progressed in our relationship – I’ve always tried to be attentive to her. She thinks I don’t pay attention – but I do. Sometimes I choose NOT to do the thing that she wants me to do – for any number of reasons. But in general, I want to KNOW this woman I married.
In the bedroom, I know what she likes.
In the kitchen, I know what she likes.
If you want to know how to study and learn your wife, I highly recommend you read the book “The 5 Love Languages” as a starting place.
It breaks down the different ways that people love, and it will help you understand her, and how to communicate with her.
Serve her.
This, is perhaps the hardest part of love. Men, we see ourselves as leaders. (Which isn’t a bad thing. We’ll get to leadership, and what that means in a minute.) We see ourselves as lovers, we see ourselves in so many ways, but picturing ourselves as servants is so difficult.
The truth? No matter where you are in live, you’re a servant to someone.
To quote, Bob Dylan, “You’re gonna have to serve somebody. It may be the Devil, it may be the Lord, but you’re gonna have to serve somebody.”
In the case of marriage, you’re either serving yourself, or you are serving her.
Are you helping her with chores around the house? Are you providing for her needs? Are you doing things that help her? Are you making sure to please her first in the bedroom? (C’mon guys. You know that matters!)
If you want a happy wife, you’ve got to take on the role of a servant. It will make you a great husband. A happy husband. And if you do it well, and if you do it right, she’ll reciprocate.
Everybody can be great…because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love. ― Martin Luther King Jr.
Listen to her.
Women are a mystery. I know it may be overgeneralization to say this – so apply whatever amount of common sense is needed to understand it.
Women don’t want you to fix their problem, as much as they want to feel understood, acknowledged, or listened to.
There are times, obviously, when what she really wants is for you to fix the drain under the kitchen sink.
But there are many times, she just needs to air her grievances to her best friend. She doesn’t want you to solve or fix the problem, but to listen to her.
This is hard for us. Men are fixers. It’s in our nature as men to find broken things and fix them.
Women do want things to be fixed. But more importantly, they just want to be heard, understood, loved, accepted.
It may seem counterintuitive and self-sabotaging to sit in that situation, where she pours her heart out, and you just listen.
You would not think that it is difficult, but learning to listen has been one of the toughest challenges of my relationship with my wife. I’ve always got a solution, and answer, a suggestion. Keeping those quiet long enough to fulfill her actual need, though, the need to be heard and understood – that’s the real challenge.
Thank and Affirm Her.
Use your words. Say what you think and feel about her. I don’t know why this is so difficult for many men to do – but it’s essential to building a good relationship.
She needs to hear, “Thank you.” How often? You can never say it enough.
She needs to hear, “You are beautiful.” How often? You can never say it enough.
There are many things unique to your wife that she needs to hear, and I’ll leave that up to you to decode and decipher her. But I can tell you that almost every woman I’ve ever met struggles with self-image, self-worth, self-doubt issues. I think it’s safe to say that it’s a common thing women struggle with.
As a husband, your responsibility is to build her up. To affirm her. To use your words to reassure, comfort, and back her up.
I would talk about the negative things we say – when we cut down, criticize, and tear her apart with our comments – but honestly, that’s another discussion entirely. All that I will say is to stop. If you have constructive advice or concerns – you need to wrap that in love. For every legitimate criticism, you should have already given her five to ten compliments.
Ultimately, men, the key component is understanding that love is a long series of small intentional choices and actions. It’s not warm and fuzzy feelings. You don’t “fall out of love” – you just stop tending it properly, and it gets choked out. So treat it like a garden, manicured, weeded, watered, and it will bear fruit.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about the question of WHEN.
It’s really a question of when.
When to be vulnerable / when to be tough.
If you’ve listened to my other podcasts, you know I’m not a fan of the word vulnerable. I prefer authenticity. But that’s another episode, and you can go listen to it yourself.
For the sake of clarity – let’s use the use the word vulnerable.
When should you be vulnerable, and show your weaknesses, and how does that contrast to when you should steel your resolve and show your strength?
I think it’s important to have a trusted circle of people who see and know your struggles and your vulnerabilities. Even men need a friend they can cry with on a very rare occasion. You don’t have to trust EVERYBODY. But you should be working on building the kind of relationships that support your vulnerabilities. Think about a Danish Shield Wall on the battlefield. They’re all pretty exposed from behind, but they work together to fend off attackers.
Sometimes, you have to suck it up. You have to put the emotion and the weakness on the shelf, and face the battles head on.
Understanding WHEN is sometimes harder than doing it. I think the decision has to be made in a way with the people you are with in mind. Are they trustworthy? Do they have your back? Do you legitimately need help from them?
You can’t live your life as an island, portraying a false image of yourself as strong all the time. At the same time, you can’t constantly be an emotional ball of wax, melting at the slightest offense or struggle, and unable to function. (Sometimes, you just might be that. And it’s okay to ask for help. But it’s not okay to stay there.)
The answer here has more to do with who you trust and who you surround yourself with, than it does with you. When do you be tough? When you can! When do you be vulnerable? When you NEED to be, and only with those you can trust. And if you aren’t building those relationships with people – they won’t be there when you need them.
When to be quiet / when to speak up
Sometimes, the question of when has to do with when do I open my mouth to speak? When do I point out what I perceive to be true, when it seems to be none of my business?
This one is not ever easy, and the scale is sliding.
Start by measuring things within the context of relationships. Does the thing I have to say HELP someone? Does the thing I have to say HURT someone? Weigh it carefully, because sometimes it does both.
Someone is in danger – a kid, an abused spouse, etc… always say something! Someone looks ugly – probably should never say something!
Someone is correcting their kid harshly, but not abusing them… it depends on your relationship with them if you should call them out. (Definitely in private, though!)
Also – speak up in person. Not via text message. Don’t think that confronting someone over text will ever go well. It almost never does. Text doesn’t have tone. Text doesn’t have body language or eye contact, so your message can be reinterpreted differently.
While I tend to be a person who calls people on their crap, and the friend that lets the other friend know he has a booger on his face – I’ve found that in general, I need to shut up more.
You may be someone who needs to speak up more, rather than shut up. I wish I could tell you the exact answer on this one – but I’ll tell you this.
Make sure that your motivation is good. Speak because you care about people. Speak with the goal of fixing things. Speak with honesty AND love in mind.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about the difference between Nice and Kind.
Got kids? Listen, to father a child is simple. Anyone with the right equipment can impregnate a woman.
But that does not mean that fatherhood is simple. There’s a few things you need to know about being a dad.
1. This matters. A lot.
43% of US children live without their father [US Department of Census]
90% of homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes. [US D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census]
80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes. [Criminal Justice & Behaviour, Vol 14, pp. 403-26, 1978]
71% of pregnant teenagers lack a father. [U.S. Department of Health and Human Services press release, Friday, March 26, 1999]
63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes. [US D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census]
85% of children who exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes. [Center for Disease Control]
90% of adolescent repeat arsonists live with only their mother. [Wray Herbert, “Dousing the Kindlers,” Psychology Today, January, 1985, p. 28]
71% of high school dropouts come from fatherless homes. [National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools]
75% of adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes. [Rainbows f for all God’s Children]
85% of youths in prisons grew up in a fatherless home. [Fulton County Georgia jail populations, Texas Department of Corrections, 1992]
Fatherless boys and girls are: twice as likely to drop out of high school; twice as likely to end up in jail; four times more likely to need help for emotional or behavioral problems. [US D.H.H.S. news release, March 26, 1999]
Your kids need you to be present – but that doesn’t mean in the building, playing X-Box and yelling at them. Change diapers. Show them how to treat their mother by treating her good yourself. Tell them that you love them. Laugh with them.
3. Discipline equals freedom
This little formula for success, made popular by Jocko Willink is true. Don’t get hung up on the idea that discipline is spanking. Discipline is training. Train those kids in the path they are supposed to walk. Doing so – will ensure that they have FREEDOM in the rest of their life.
4. This is hard.
I’m not gonna lie. Being a dad is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It’s not easy to clean up puke at 2am. It’s not easy to work two jobs to pay the bills, AND make sure that my kids feel the weight of my presence in their lives. It’s not easy to try to set an example, when what I want to do is whine and gripe.
5. But it’s worth it.
Gosh, Kids are great. Watching them grow from little beans bouncing in mom’s belly to fully grown adults, making responsible choices, and working hard and contributing to society. It’s rewarding. I’ve heard it said that kids are like arrows in the hands of a warrior. (Blessed is he whose quiver is full of them.) I draw them back, aim them, and let them fly. And sometimes we miss, but seeing them hit the mark is the most rewarding feeling I’ve ever known.
6. If you wait till you’re ready, you never will.
You’ll never be able to “afford” to have kids. Having kids isn’t something you can be ready for. What you need to do the job comes with them. Pops right out with the umbilical cord. You think you aren’t ready for this, and then the doc hands you that baby, and you feel the weight of the responsibility, and the joy and pride of making a life, and all at once, you’re given what you need.
7. You have to choose.
So, you’re handed a baby and a new name (Daddy) and you now have to choose to accept the challenge. Here’s the thing. I don’t believe that rejecting it’s an option. I mean, people DO reject it. But you shouldn’t. You choose then and there to be a father. And you make that choice, day in and day out to make sure their needs are met, that the example is set for them, that they are loved, cherished, corrected, and challenged. You have to choose it.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about what it means to be WILD.
To be wild, to hear the heartbeat of nature, to feel the rush of adrenal strength, to drink from the fresh air and howl at the moon – these are things that are embedded into men.
The Call
Men are wild, mighty, and fierce. Yet our culture wraps silky ropes around our necks, and shaves our faces, and trims our nails. The wildman isn’t quite socially acceptable. It’s not okay to have dirt under your fingernails, or to kill your own dinner.
We don’t have to reject civilization entirely, there is a time and a place for manners and polite conversation and neckties and cologne.
But I believe that all men, even the dandier, fluffier ones, have a call – drums beating in the distance – that beckons them into the wild.
“But especially he loved to run in the dim twilight of the summer midnights, listening to the subdued and sleepy murmurs of the forest, reading signs and sounds as a man may read a book, and seeking for the mysterious something that called — called, waking or sleeping, at all times, for him to come.”
― Jack London, The Call of the Wild
Fury. Sometimes, yes. Wild fury and righteous anger stirs up in the hearts of men. Driving them to action, to battle, to fight. Hopefully, it’s tempered with the code, with the order. Fury must be kept in check, and be used to propel justice, to free the oppressed, to protect.
Tests of Strength. From the time boys are young, they enter contests, either alone or with their brothers, and their fathers – to see how strong they are. Wrestling, weightlifting, arm-wrestling, “bloody knuckles,” Chinese hot-hands, even thumb wrestling. This wild behavior may seem reminiscent of goats butting their heads against each other, or bears mawing at each other’s necks…. But it’s a part of who we are. We don’t necessarily outgrow it. And that rough and tumble tug-of-war helps shape us, helps bond us together, and helps remind us who we want on our side if there is a time to fight.
The call of the wild pushes men to success. It drives men to be refreshed in nature. As long as we wrap it up in silk and lace and soap, it will still be there.
“He was mastered by the sheer surging of life, the tidal wave of being, the perfect joy of each separate muscle, joint, and sinew in that it was everything that was not death, that it was aglow and rampant, expressing itself in movement, flying exultantly under the stars.”
― Jack London, The Call of the Wild
“There is an ecstasy that marks the summit of life, and beyond which life cannot rise. And such is the paradox of living, this ecstasy comes when one is most alive, and it comes as a complete forgetfulness that one is alive.
This ecstasy, this forgetfulness of living, comes to the artist, caught up and out of himself in a sheet of flame; it comes to the soldier, war-mad in a stricken field and refusing quarter; and it came to Buck, leading the pack, sounding the old wolf-cry, straining after the food that was alive and that fled swiftly before him through the moonlight.”
― Jack London, The Call of the Wild
The Fire
Something else that we’ve lost when our culture became civilized and pushed out the wild men – the fire.
Today, we gather around the television and let people tell us stories, with the imagination already painted for us. Or we pretend to gather in virtual communities – typing with our thumbs and sending each other cat videos and poop emojis.
But in the WILD – men gathered around a fire at the end of the evening. The fire cooked the food from the hunt. It kept the predators away. It kept the tribe warm.
But more importantly than that, it united them. It gave them communion with each other, with the stories of their ancestors.
They laughed, sang, and told stories while the little ones fell asleep in daddy’s lap.
Generations later, we brought the fire from the outside to the inside, in stone hearths. Our tribes were smaller, but the same thing happened. Grandpa played his fiddle, Pa smoked his pipe. Grandma braided hair and they told stories of the good old days.
Today, our heat is made from underground pipes or copper coils. Our songs are auto-tuned, and we all listen to our own with our Beats by Dre or earbuds. Our stories aren’t even our own anymore – as we stopped having real adventures generations ago. OR we’re afraid that Grandpa’s war stories might frighten the children, or trigger the young and traumatized adults. (When Grandpa was their age, he was in ‘Nam dodging bullets.) But now Grandpa lives in Florida, or in a nursing home, rather than to spend his remaining years with his loved ones.
Can we recapture the tribal fire? Can we sit with our band of brothers, their wives, kids, moms, and dads and tell stories again? Can we teach our kids that electronics are nice, but sometimes the untamed and raw beauty of a fire is what our soul really craves?
The Law
The law of the wild – the order – the code if you will, matters. When we talk about living wild, we’re not talking about living without morals.
There has to be honor.
I know that some men define honor differently. Jack Donovan says the word honor has its root in the glory that came from ancient warriors who fought valiantly. He claims that now that we’ve spread out the honor like a participation trophy to anyone who does something good – we’ve stripped it all away.
I can’t say I agree wholeheartedly, with Jack Donovon, but he makes a good point.
A man of honor, though, isn’t just a brave or strong man, he’s a man with integrity, who KNOWS right from wrong, and lives it.
He needs no government to enforce it. While he may be spiritual and commune with God, he doesn’t require religion to police his behavior. If he is a spiritual man who communes with God – he doesn’t follow the code because he is frightened of lightning or hell, he follows the code because his friend is God.
Regardless of his faith or lack thereof though – we live in an age that struggles to define that code. Right and wrong have slipped away in the tsunami of relativism. While some things in life are relative – the truth is – somethings just aren’t relative!
I can’t begin to answer the questions that living in a relativistic society dredges up. As a Christian, I’m often accused of being judgmental, because I have a believe in the idea of moral absolutes.
I know that not everyone shares my judeo-christian worldview. I don’t expect everyone to do so… but I do think that as our culture has become more secular, they have perhaps thrown out a few babies with the bathwater – and neglected moral codes that were previously accepted as universal in their attempts to distance themselves from Christianity.
I know we won’t agree on what morals are universal. I get that. But I would encourage you to determine what your code is.
The Hunt
Hunting today isn’t what it once was. We used to hunt because it was life. We didn’t hunt, we didn’t eat. Now, it’s a sport, a multi-billion dollar industry. A government managed program that requires permits, fancy orange vests, and expensive equipment.
At the core of the wild is the idea that we must seek, stalk, kill, and haul our prey home to feed our young.
It was a right of passage for young men for generations – to get that first kill. To take the life of an animal, and to learn that our life depends on the life of another.
I understand that there are some that don’t eat meat -but don’t think for a minute that you aren’t still killing SOMETHING when you pluck that carrot out of its dirty ground!
Our cultured and shiny environment now doesn’t require people to get their hands dirty. If you go to the store to buy meat, you buy meat. You don’t see the beating heart, the twitching nerves, or the cold stare left behind by the animal that gave its flesh for you.
Today – our “hunt” may be translated to many things.
Rites of Passage. What rites do we use to identify our maturity into manhood? What ritual marks a teenage son turning to a man? What ritual marks a man turning to an elder? I fear we may have dropped many of these by the wayside, and I think we must begin to resurrect them.
“Men cannot be men—much less good or heroic men—unless their actions have meaningful consequences to people they truly care about. Strength requires an opposing force, courage requires risk, mastery requires hard work, honor requires accountability to other men. Without these things, we are little more than boys playing at being men, and there is no weekend retreat or mantra or half-assed rite of passage that can change that. A rite of passage must reflect a real change in status and responsibility for it to be anything more than theater. No reimagined manhood of convenience can hold its head high so long as the earth remains the tomb of our ancestors”
— Jack Donovan (The Way of Men)
Strenuous Activity. Chasing a deer through the woods, wrestling a bear to the ground, or even holding perfectly still to avoid chasing off the rabbit are all strenuous. They build strength and speed in us. What are we doing to build strength today? Are you active? Are you moving? Are you training to build your body better than it is?
“Training for me is a metaphor for life. Period. The Dedication. The Determination. The Desire. The Work Ethic. The great success and the great failures – I take that into life.” – Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Respect for the source. In many cultures, a hunter or farmer would say a prayer as he slit the throat of his animal so that it could be bled out. He respected the beast that would feed his family. Now, we could have a long talk about the evils of factory farming, but that’s another topic for another day. The crux here is: Are we grateful for the sources of our provision today? Do we show respect for the company where we earn our cash? Do we show honor and respect for the work and for the hunt for our success? Or do we just demand and assume that our wealth will be handed to us?
The Tame
I love my dogs. I have a golden retriever named Lincoln, and a shelter mutt named Teddy. Yes. They are named after presidents.
They are normally relaxed and gentle beasts. Nothing at all like the wolfish ancestors. Their greatest joy is to snooze on the furniture, while a family member strokes or scratches them. They don’t have to hunt for food, and their only job is to be friendly, and on rare occasions, to be protective.
A few years ago, they got loose. Our front door was broken and didn’t get shut all the way, and so the dogs left the house while the family was at church.
It actually happened on two occasions. Both times they were gone for a week. The first time, we found both dogs covered in porcupine quills and starving. The second time, they came home covered in thousands of ticks, and weakened by Lymes Disease.
We live in the middle of nowhere, and all along the edge of our neighborhood is the Allegheny National Forest – acres upon acres of woods, old growth pines, bear, deer, raccoons, deep lakes and cold streams.
I like to imagine that for those two weeks, they were wolves. Running free, howling at the moon, hunting, digging, scratching, and living like all dogs secretly want to live.
Eventually, though, these dogs are woefully unprepared for the wild. They haven’t learned that porcupines aren’t safe. They haven’t learned to feed themselves well. And they came home to be cared for, fed, and groomed.
Teddy and Lincoln are tamed.
While we as men may live in gentle little houses, with fancy soaps, canned soups, and table manners – we must not be tamed.
We can be gentlemen, we can be polite. But we need to keep that fire of wildness and strength alive. So that when our wildman is called upon, he lives strong in us. He’s ready for anything. Ready to fight to defend, ready to provide for his family, ready to brave the elements, so that he comes home, not because he can’t survive, but because he did.
This podcast was based off a series of Blog Posts that I did previously. You can read more about it here:
Episode 45: Lion or Lamb – Part 4 – How and When to Follow
We’ve often been told that men need to be the alpha. And this of course, relates to the idea that we need to be the most aggressive wolf (or lion) in the pack (or pride).
They tell us to show now mercy, to build and demonstrate strength. To strive to lead at all costs.
I don’t buy into the whole “alpha male” nonsense.
What are we, animals?
No. We are men! And men come in different strokes and sizes.
If the whole pack of wolves was alpha… You know the pack would die right?
There are different roles in the pack.
And we are supposed to be better then the animals…. And they already know that everyone can’t be alpha!
Sometimes, we need to live aggressively. Sometimes we need to lead the pack. But sometimes, we need to follow, to obey, to submit. To show compassion, to show mercy, to show love.
Honestly, I think what we need more on this planet is more men that know when to lead, and when to follow.
I think what we need in this world are men who don’t think of themselves higher than they are. Men who have the strength to fight and conquer, but the self-control to know when not to.
If you want to be a better man – check out our website – Manlihood.com – for blogs, videos, and more from our Manlihood Team. Men, you can also join our private facebook group- Manlihood ManCave -where you can meet up with a band of brothers who will challenge you and help you on your journey of manhood.
This episode is produced by Hatcher Media for Manlihood.com Our Manly theme music is from Austin Stirling and also from Mark Kroos. Be sure to subscribe and leave us a review on iTunes, Youtube, or wherever you are listening to the show! Tune in again for more of the Manlihood ManCast
Episode 44: Lion or Lamb: Part 3 – Gentleman Doesn’t Mean Pansy
The word PANSY is often used to describe a weak man – but let’s make sure not to equate that title with the title of gentleman. My grandmother always told me that a pansy was actually a tough flower. It could stand against the cold, and grow in pretty adverse conditions… it still though has a reputation for being “girly” – and the flower’s name has been embedded culturally to imply weakness or a lack of masculinity.
This civility does not erase the wild, passionate strength that lies in a man’s heart. A gentleman can hold his own in a bout of fisticuffs or fencing. He can heft a child on to his shoulders, pick up his bride to carry her over the threshhold, and defend the tender things he holds dear with ferocity and strength.
My thoughts on this are two-fold.
Just because you wear a tie to work, or drive a minivan, or eat kale – does not exempt you from the wilder side of manhood. Make sure that you know how to defend yourself and the things and people you love. Make sure you keep your physical body strong and ready to perform.
Inversely, just because you are a strong and brave, do not neglect the tender touches needed in civilized life. Say Please and Thank you. Snuggle with your children. Read poetry. These things do not affect your ability to be manly. In fact, I believe they enhance them.
This episode is produced by Hatcher Media for Manlihood.com Our Manly theme music is from Austin Stirling and also from Mark Kroos. Be sure to subscribe and leave us a review on iTunes, Youtube, or wherever you are listening to the show! Tune in again for more of the Manlihood ManCast
