In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about the question of WHEN.
It’s really a question of when.
When to be vulnerable / when to be tough.
If you’ve listened to my other podcasts, you know I’m not a fan of the word vulnerable. I prefer authenticity. But that’s another episode, and you can go listen to it yourself.
For the sake of clarity – let’s use the use the word vulnerable.
When should you be vulnerable, and show your weaknesses, and how does that contrast to when you should steel your resolve and show your strength?
I think it’s important to have a trusted circle of people who see and know your struggles and your vulnerabilities. Even men need a friend they can cry with on a very rare occasion. You don’t have to trust EVERYBODY. But you should be working on building the kind of relationships that support your vulnerabilities. Think about a Danish Shield Wall on the battlefield. They’re all pretty exposed from behind, but they work together to fend off attackers.
Sometimes, you have to suck it up. You have to put the emotion and the weakness on the shelf, and face the battles head on.
Understanding WHEN is sometimes harder than doing it. I think the decision has to be made in a way with the people you are with in mind. Are they trustworthy? Do they have your back? Do you legitimately need help from them?
You can’t live your life as an island, portraying a false image of yourself as strong all the time. At the same time, you can’t constantly be an emotional ball of wax, melting at the slightest offense or struggle, and unable to function. (Sometimes, you just might be that. And it’s okay to ask for help. But it’s not okay to stay there.)
The answer here has more to do with who you trust and who you surround yourself with, than it does with you. When do you be tough? When you can! When do you be vulnerable? When you NEED to be, and only with those you can trust. And if you aren’t building those relationships with people – they won’t be there when you need them.
When to be quiet / when to speak up
Sometimes, the question of when has to do with when do I open my mouth to speak? When do I point out what I perceive to be true, when it seems to be none of my business?
This one is not ever easy, and the scale is sliding.
Start by measuring things within the context of relationships. Does the thing I have to say HELP someone? Does the thing I have to say HURT someone? Weigh it carefully, because sometimes it does both.
Someone is in danger – a kid, an abused spouse, etc… always say something! Someone looks ugly – probably should never say something!
Someone is correcting their kid harshly, but not abusing them… it depends on your relationship with them if you should call them out. (Definitely in private, though!)
Also – speak up in person. Not via text message. Don’t think that confronting someone over text will ever go well. It almost never does. Text doesn’t have tone. Text doesn’t have body language or eye contact, so your message can be reinterpreted differently.
While I tend to be a person who calls people on their crap, and the friend that lets the other friend know he has a booger on his face – I’ve found that in general, I need to shut up more.
You may be someone who needs to speak up more, rather than shut up. I wish I could tell you the exact answer on this one – but I’ll tell you this.
Make sure that your motivation is good. Speak because you care about people. Speak with the goal of fixing things. Speak with honesty AND love in mind.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher tells us why LEADERSHIP isn’t a dirty word.
The word LEADERSHIP sometimes seems to have a negative connotation attached. It’s not a dirty word – and it’s a skill that can make a man and his surroundings better.
Leadership isn’t Lordship
Part of the negative connotation comes from people who have done leadership poorly. It’s important to understand that leadership is not lordship.
Leadership is a sacred privilege. It is not a right that makes one man higher and better than another. It’s a responsibility to influence people.
It’s important not to exploit our roles as leaders – so that we can lead effectively, and lead well. Too often, our positions become corrupted by selfishness, laziness, or just a lack of skill.
And skill is at the heart of leadership. We often talk of “born leaders” – and maybe some are born with a certain level of skill – but anyone can develop the skills that make a good leader.
Leading Yourself
I think that our first leadership role is to lead ourselves. Are we disciplined with our finances, our health, our time, our relationships? If not, where do we start? If so, how do we improve and take things to the next level?
I’d encourage you to make a personal development plan.
1. Identify area of your life that you know needs work.
2. Set a 1 week, 1 month, 1 quarter, 1 year, and 5 year goal for that area. Make them Specific. Write them Down. Post them in a visual place to remind yourself!
3. Identify four or five books that you will read to help you with that area.
4. Identify three or four blogs to follow that will help you.
5. Identify a mentor who seems to have success in that area – and ask them for advice. Offer to buy them lunch, and then make a list of questions to ask them.
6. Find three or four friends with a similar struggle – and meet once a week or once a month to encourage each other.
7. Evaluate your goals each time you hit those milestones, and make adjustments to stay on track!
Leading From the Backseat
Leadership is not a position. Certainly, a supervisor or a manager is expected to be a leader – but the position itself does not impart leadership.
Often, you may find yourself with a positional leader, who knows nothing about leadership. This can be a frustrating place to be – but it can also be an opportunity for you to shine.
Sometimes, leadership is working from the bottom in such a way that you can influence your coworkers (and bosses) without having that position.
Are you the guy that solves problems? Are you the guy that puts everyone in a good mood? Are you the guy that sets an example for the others? What about helping your boss give you direction?
What are some ways that you can lead from the backseat?
Leadership has Limits
Being in a leadership position is a responsibility, and a privilege. It’s about serving the people you lead, not barking orders and making them serve you.
As a leader – there are limits to your leadership.
1. Your first limit is you. You can only lead people to places you have gone. Lead Yourself, Invest in yourself.
2. You cannot have expectations without communication.
The level with which you communicate will determine the level at which you can lead. Remember that communication by definition does not exist if it does not have a transmitter and a receiver. Your mouth is your transmitter – their BRAIN is the receiver. That means you may be sending it to their ears – but if they don’t receive that communication – then it by definition – doesn’t exist. Find ways to make sure your staff can reiterate what your expectations are.
3. You cannot show disrespect.
This is a limit you cannot cross. If your staff has violated or not met your expectations – then you need to have a clear method to deal with it. “You didn’t perform X as requested. This is the consequence.” Deal with it swiftly, fairly, and honestly. Part of leadership is accepting that not everyone will like the decisions you make… but there is no room for insults, gossip, and disrespect.
4. You are limited by the amount of responsibility you are willing to take. Your success and failure IS the success and failure of your people. If your employee fails – you have failed. It’s not “their fault” for screwing up – it’s “your fault” for not providing proper training, accountability, etc. Remember that leadership BEARS the responsibility of their team.
5. You are limited by the praise you dole out.
If you are not the most positive and encouraging person on your team – then that is a limit you will hit. When success gets credited to you – it’s up to you to pass it along to your people.
Leadership really isn’t a dirty word – and I am sure you already knew that. Truth is – everyone of us has influence with someone- and leadership at its very core is influence. Let’s strive to be better leaders in all areas.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about the difference between Nice and Kind.
Got kids? Listen, to father a child is simple. Anyone with the right equipment can impregnate a woman.
But that does not mean that fatherhood is simple. There’s a few things you need to know about being a dad.
1. This matters. A lot.
43% of US children live without their father [US Department of Census]
90% of homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes. [US D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census]
80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes. [Criminal Justice & Behaviour, Vol 14, pp. 403-26, 1978]
71% of pregnant teenagers lack a father. [U.S. Department of Health and Human Services press release, Friday, March 26, 1999]
63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes. [US D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census]
85% of children who exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes. [Center for Disease Control]
90% of adolescent repeat arsonists live with only their mother. [Wray Herbert, “Dousing the Kindlers,” Psychology Today, January, 1985, p. 28]
71% of high school dropouts come from fatherless homes. [National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools]
75% of adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes. [Rainbows f for all God’s Children]
85% of youths in prisons grew up in a fatherless home. [Fulton County Georgia jail populations, Texas Department of Corrections, 1992]
Fatherless boys and girls are: twice as likely to drop out of high school; twice as likely to end up in jail; four times more likely to need help for emotional or behavioral problems. [US D.H.H.S. news release, March 26, 1999]
Your kids need you to be present – but that doesn’t mean in the building, playing X-Box and yelling at them. Change diapers. Show them how to treat their mother by treating her good yourself. Tell them that you love them. Laugh with them.
3. Discipline equals freedom
This little formula for success, made popular by Jocko Willink is true. Don’t get hung up on the idea that discipline is spanking. Discipline is training. Train those kids in the path they are supposed to walk. Doing so – will ensure that they have FREEDOM in the rest of their life.
4. This is hard.
I’m not gonna lie. Being a dad is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It’s not easy to clean up puke at 2am. It’s not easy to work two jobs to pay the bills, AND make sure that my kids feel the weight of my presence in their lives. It’s not easy to try to set an example, when what I want to do is whine and gripe.
5. But it’s worth it.
Gosh, Kids are great. Watching them grow from little beans bouncing in mom’s belly to fully grown adults, making responsible choices, and working hard and contributing to society. It’s rewarding. I’ve heard it said that kids are like arrows in the hands of a warrior. (Blessed is he whose quiver is full of them.) I draw them back, aim them, and let them fly. And sometimes we miss, but seeing them hit the mark is the most rewarding feeling I’ve ever known.
6. If you wait till you’re ready, you never will.
You’ll never be able to “afford” to have kids. Having kids isn’t something you can be ready for. What you need to do the job comes with them. Pops right out with the umbilical cord. You think you aren’t ready for this, and then the doc hands you that baby, and you feel the weight of the responsibility, and the joy and pride of making a life, and all at once, you’re given what you need.
7. You have to choose.
So, you’re handed a baby and a new name (Daddy) and you now have to choose to accept the challenge. Here’s the thing. I don’t believe that rejecting it’s an option. I mean, people DO reject it. But you shouldn’t. You choose then and there to be a father. And you make that choice, day in and day out to make sure their needs are met, that the example is set for them, that they are loved, cherished, corrected, and challenged. You have to choose it.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about what it means to be WILD.
To be wild, to hear the heartbeat of nature, to feel the rush of adrenal strength, to drink from the fresh air and howl at the moon – these are things that are embedded into men.
The Call
Men are wild, mighty, and fierce. Yet our culture wraps silky ropes around our necks, and shaves our faces, and trims our nails. The wildman isn’t quite socially acceptable. It’s not okay to have dirt under your fingernails, or to kill your own dinner.
We don’t have to reject civilization entirely, there is a time and a place for manners and polite conversation and neckties and cologne.
But I believe that all men, even the dandier, fluffier ones, have a call – drums beating in the distance – that beckons them into the wild.
“But especially he loved to run in the dim twilight of the summer midnights, listening to the subdued and sleepy murmurs of the forest, reading signs and sounds as a man may read a book, and seeking for the mysterious something that called — called, waking or sleeping, at all times, for him to come.”
― Jack London, The Call of the Wild
Fury. Sometimes, yes. Wild fury and righteous anger stirs up in the hearts of men. Driving them to action, to battle, to fight. Hopefully, it’s tempered with the code, with the order. Fury must be kept in check, and be used to propel justice, to free the oppressed, to protect.
Tests of Strength. From the time boys are young, they enter contests, either alone or with their brothers, and their fathers – to see how strong they are. Wrestling, weightlifting, arm-wrestling, “bloody knuckles,” Chinese hot-hands, even thumb wrestling. This wild behavior may seem reminiscent of goats butting their heads against each other, or bears mawing at each other’s necks…. But it’s a part of who we are. We don’t necessarily outgrow it. And that rough and tumble tug-of-war helps shape us, helps bond us together, and helps remind us who we want on our side if there is a time to fight.
The call of the wild pushes men to success. It drives men to be refreshed in nature. As long as we wrap it up in silk and lace and soap, it will still be there.
“He was mastered by the sheer surging of life, the tidal wave of being, the perfect joy of each separate muscle, joint, and sinew in that it was everything that was not death, that it was aglow and rampant, expressing itself in movement, flying exultantly under the stars.”
― Jack London, The Call of the Wild
“There is an ecstasy that marks the summit of life, and beyond which life cannot rise. And such is the paradox of living, this ecstasy comes when one is most alive, and it comes as a complete forgetfulness that one is alive.
This ecstasy, this forgetfulness of living, comes to the artist, caught up and out of himself in a sheet of flame; it comes to the soldier, war-mad in a stricken field and refusing quarter; and it came to Buck, leading the pack, sounding the old wolf-cry, straining after the food that was alive and that fled swiftly before him through the moonlight.”
― Jack London, The Call of the Wild
The Fire
Something else that we’ve lost when our culture became civilized and pushed out the wild men – the fire.
Today, we gather around the television and let people tell us stories, with the imagination already painted for us. Or we pretend to gather in virtual communities – typing with our thumbs and sending each other cat videos and poop emojis.
But in the WILD – men gathered around a fire at the end of the evening. The fire cooked the food from the hunt. It kept the predators away. It kept the tribe warm.
But more importantly than that, it united them. It gave them communion with each other, with the stories of their ancestors.
They laughed, sang, and told stories while the little ones fell asleep in daddy’s lap.
Generations later, we brought the fire from the outside to the inside, in stone hearths. Our tribes were smaller, but the same thing happened. Grandpa played his fiddle, Pa smoked his pipe. Grandma braided hair and they told stories of the good old days.
Today, our heat is made from underground pipes or copper coils. Our songs are auto-tuned, and we all listen to our own with our Beats by Dre or earbuds. Our stories aren’t even our own anymore – as we stopped having real adventures generations ago. OR we’re afraid that Grandpa’s war stories might frighten the children, or trigger the young and traumatized adults. (When Grandpa was their age, he was in ‘Nam dodging bullets.) But now Grandpa lives in Florida, or in a nursing home, rather than to spend his remaining years with his loved ones.
Can we recapture the tribal fire? Can we sit with our band of brothers, their wives, kids, moms, and dads and tell stories again? Can we teach our kids that electronics are nice, but sometimes the untamed and raw beauty of a fire is what our soul really craves?
The Law
The law of the wild – the order – the code if you will, matters. When we talk about living wild, we’re not talking about living without morals.
There has to be honor.
I know that some men define honor differently. Jack Donovan says the word honor has its root in the glory that came from ancient warriors who fought valiantly. He claims that now that we’ve spread out the honor like a participation trophy to anyone who does something good – we’ve stripped it all away.
I can’t say I agree wholeheartedly, with Jack Donovon, but he makes a good point.
A man of honor, though, isn’t just a brave or strong man, he’s a man with integrity, who KNOWS right from wrong, and lives it.
He needs no government to enforce it. While he may be spiritual and commune with God, he doesn’t require religion to police his behavior. If he is a spiritual man who communes with God – he doesn’t follow the code because he is frightened of lightning or hell, he follows the code because his friend is God.
Regardless of his faith or lack thereof though – we live in an age that struggles to define that code. Right and wrong have slipped away in the tsunami of relativism. While some things in life are relative – the truth is – somethings just aren’t relative!
I can’t begin to answer the questions that living in a relativistic society dredges up. As a Christian, I’m often accused of being judgmental, because I have a believe in the idea of moral absolutes.
I know that not everyone shares my judeo-christian worldview. I don’t expect everyone to do so… but I do think that as our culture has become more secular, they have perhaps thrown out a few babies with the bathwater – and neglected moral codes that were previously accepted as universal in their attempts to distance themselves from Christianity.
I know we won’t agree on what morals are universal. I get that. But I would encourage you to determine what your code is.
The Hunt
Hunting today isn’t what it once was. We used to hunt because it was life. We didn’t hunt, we didn’t eat. Now, it’s a sport, a multi-billion dollar industry. A government managed program that requires permits, fancy orange vests, and expensive equipment.
At the core of the wild is the idea that we must seek, stalk, kill, and haul our prey home to feed our young.
It was a right of passage for young men for generations – to get that first kill. To take the life of an animal, and to learn that our life depends on the life of another.
I understand that there are some that don’t eat meat -but don’t think for a minute that you aren’t still killing SOMETHING when you pluck that carrot out of its dirty ground!
Our cultured and shiny environment now doesn’t require people to get their hands dirty. If you go to the store to buy meat, you buy meat. You don’t see the beating heart, the twitching nerves, or the cold stare left behind by the animal that gave its flesh for you.
Today – our “hunt” may be translated to many things.
Rites of Passage. What rites do we use to identify our maturity into manhood? What ritual marks a teenage son turning to a man? What ritual marks a man turning to an elder? I fear we may have dropped many of these by the wayside, and I think we must begin to resurrect them.
“Men cannot be men—much less good or heroic men—unless their actions have meaningful consequences to people they truly care about. Strength requires an opposing force, courage requires risk, mastery requires hard work, honor requires accountability to other men. Without these things, we are little more than boys playing at being men, and there is no weekend retreat or mantra or half-assed rite of passage that can change that. A rite of passage must reflect a real change in status and responsibility for it to be anything more than theater. No reimagined manhood of convenience can hold its head high so long as the earth remains the tomb of our ancestors”
— Jack Donovan (The Way of Men)
Strenuous Activity. Chasing a deer through the woods, wrestling a bear to the ground, or even holding perfectly still to avoid chasing off the rabbit are all strenuous. They build strength and speed in us. What are we doing to build strength today? Are you active? Are you moving? Are you training to build your body better than it is?
“Training for me is a metaphor for life. Period. The Dedication. The Determination. The Desire. The Work Ethic. The great success and the great failures – I take that into life.” – Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Respect for the source. In many cultures, a hunter or farmer would say a prayer as he slit the throat of his animal so that it could be bled out. He respected the beast that would feed his family. Now, we could have a long talk about the evils of factory farming, but that’s another topic for another day. The crux here is: Are we grateful for the sources of our provision today? Do we show respect for the company where we earn our cash? Do we show honor and respect for the work and for the hunt for our success? Or do we just demand and assume that our wealth will be handed to us?
The Tame
I love my dogs. I have a golden retriever named Lincoln, and a shelter mutt named Teddy. Yes. They are named after presidents.
They are normally relaxed and gentle beasts. Nothing at all like the wolfish ancestors. Their greatest joy is to snooze on the furniture, while a family member strokes or scratches them. They don’t have to hunt for food, and their only job is to be friendly, and on rare occasions, to be protective.
A few years ago, they got loose. Our front door was broken and didn’t get shut all the way, and so the dogs left the house while the family was at church.
It actually happened on two occasions. Both times they were gone for a week. The first time, we found both dogs covered in porcupine quills and starving. The second time, they came home covered in thousands of ticks, and weakened by Lymes Disease.
We live in the middle of nowhere, and all along the edge of our neighborhood is the Allegheny National Forest – acres upon acres of woods, old growth pines, bear, deer, raccoons, deep lakes and cold streams.
I like to imagine that for those two weeks, they were wolves. Running free, howling at the moon, hunting, digging, scratching, and living like all dogs secretly want to live.
Eventually, though, these dogs are woefully unprepared for the wild. They haven’t learned that porcupines aren’t safe. They haven’t learned to feed themselves well. And they came home to be cared for, fed, and groomed.
Teddy and Lincoln are tamed.
While we as men may live in gentle little houses, with fancy soaps, canned soups, and table manners – we must not be tamed.
We can be gentlemen, we can be polite. But we need to keep that fire of wildness and strength alive. So that when our wildman is called upon, he lives strong in us. He’s ready for anything. Ready to fight to defend, ready to provide for his family, ready to brave the elements, so that he comes home, not because he can’t survive, but because he did.
This podcast was based off a series of Blog Posts that I did previously. You can read more about it here:
A good woman is hard to find. Or is she? In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about ten things you need to know about getting a good woman.
Episode 45: Lion or Lamb – Part 4 – How and When to Follow
We’ve often been told that men need to be the alpha. And this of course, relates to the idea that we need to be the most aggressive wolf (or lion) in the pack (or pride).
They tell us to show now mercy, to build and demonstrate strength. To strive to lead at all costs.
I don’t buy into the whole “alpha male” nonsense.
What are we, animals?
No. We are men! And men come in different strokes and sizes.
If the whole pack of wolves was alpha… You know the pack would die right?
There are different roles in the pack.
And we are supposed to be better then the animals…. And they already know that everyone can’t be alpha!
Sometimes, we need to live aggressively. Sometimes we need to lead the pack. But sometimes, we need to follow, to obey, to submit. To show compassion, to show mercy, to show love.
Honestly, I think what we need more on this planet is more men that know when to lead, and when to follow.
I think what we need in this world are men who don’t think of themselves higher than they are. Men who have the strength to fight and conquer, but the self-control to know when not to.
If you want to be a better man – check out our website – Manlihood.com – for blogs, videos, and more from our Manlihood Team. Men, you can also join our private facebook group- Manlihood ManCave -where you can meet up with a band of brothers who will challenge you and help you on your journey of manhood.
This episode is produced by Hatcher Media for Manlihood.com Our Manly theme music is from Austin Stirling and also from Mark Kroos. Be sure to subscribe and leave us a review on iTunes, Youtube, or wherever you are listening to the show! Tune in again for more of the Manlihood ManCast
Episode 43: Lion or Lamb: Part 2 – Embracing Your Lionhood – Manlihood ManCast
“Truth be told, most of us are faking our way through life. We pick only those battles we are sure to win, only those adventures we are sure to handle, only those beauties we are sure to rescue.” ― John Eldredge, Wild at Heart
For the last century – the idea of manhood has been unappealing. To be strong, courageous, willing to fight, the smell of hard work, the hair on our face and bodies- it’s all been painted as slobbish, beastly, and uncivilized.
Not to downplay or insult the contributions of women, but fighting, working, and rough men have built our civilization. Now that it’s built, and civilization lies comfortably on memory foam beds drinking foamy coffee drinks, we have invented a derision against the wild, raw, strength of man.
As a man who is truly a lion, your strength must be tempered, disciplined, and reserved. Let them feel the weight of who you are. Walk into a room with confidence, and they’ll see your strength and your wildness, and know they don’t want to mess with that. When they see your gentleness, kindness, and temperament, they’ll respect it more, knowing the strength behind it.
Have you ever met that young soldier who comes back from bootcamp to visit with his family? He is lean, strong, fierce, and ready for battle. But there’s this sense of self-confidence and self-control about him. He went away a boy, and he came home a man. He’s been trained in hand-to-hand combat, and in peak-physical condition. But he looks you in the eye, he shakes your hand firmly, and stands up straight. That lion is there. He’s not a “tame lion” – but he’s a good one.
If you want to be a better man – check out our website – Manlihood.com – for blogs, videos, and more from our Manlihood Team. Men, you can also join our private facebook group- Manlihood ManCave -where you can meet up with a band of brothers who will challenge you and help you on your journey of manhood.
This episode is produced by Hatcher Media for Manlihood.com Our Manly theme music is from Austin Stirling and also from Mark Kroos. Be sure to subscribe and leave us a review on iTunes, Youtube, or wherever you are listening to the show! Tune in again for more of the Manlihood ManCast
This week, we’ve been contrasting the things boys do and the things men do. As we mature – there are things we have to put aside. Sometimes just calling them out helps us to remember what it means to live a life of maturity. One of the things that BOYS do is run their mouths.
Loose lips sink ships. This is not only true about accidentally spilling government secrets – but about the power of talking too much.
I think the key to keeping our speech at a minimum is learning to T.H.I.N.K. before we speak!
T – is it True?
H – is it Helpful?
I – is it Inspiring?
N – is it Necessary?
K – is it Kind?
So often, the speaking we do can tear people down, not build them up. It can reveal more details than we should. It can create an image in the minds of others about us that push them away from us. It can create self-defeat, by establishing a negative attitude in ourselves!
Boys don’t think before they speak. Men carefully use their words to bring life. Don’t let your speech sink your ship, or anyone else’s!
___________ If you want to be a better man – check out our website – Manlihood.com – for blogs, videos, and more from our Manlihood Team. Men, you can also join our private facebook group- Manlihood ManCave -where you can meet up with a band of brothers who will challenge you and help you on your journey of manhood.
This episode is produced by Hatcher Media for Manlihood.com Our Manly theme music is from Austin Stirling and also from Mark Kroos. Be sure to subscribe and leave us a review on iTunes, Youtube, or wherever you are listening to the show! Tune in again for more of the Manlihood ManCast
