In this Episode of The Manlihood ManCast, Josh Hatcher interviews Austin Stirling about his life as a touring musician, his new album, “With the Wolves” and more.
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Has your wife ever asked you to be more romantic? In episode 76, JOSH HATCHER digs into the question of How to be more romantic.
It involves listening, and taking the time to know her needs. You can’t fake this guys – you have to put in the work.
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In the Ask A Man Segment, Josh answers this question.
I noticed you’ve lost a lot of weight – how did you do it? How can I do it?
Do you have a question for the Manlihood ManCast? Visit the Ask-A-Man page here.
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From the time we are young, we get this wrong impression that finding and winning a great woman will give us satisfaction.
Don’t get me wrong – my wife has certainly brought much satisfaction and joy to me life – but there was a point at which I realized that I was expecting her to fill a hole inside my heart that no mortal can fill.
To HONOR is to value something rightly. If we value something in the wrong way – it is actually a dishonor. I was dishonoring my wife by valuing her in a way she could not fulfill.
We often expect the wrong things out of our partners. What are we looking for? Where can we find it?
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher tells us 5 relationships tips to save you a world of heartache.
I know we like to say that because it sounds poetic, and it kind of feels like it. But don’t let her be your whole world. Make sure you have some good friends, and that you MAINTAIN those friendships (particularly with other men who build you up). Make sure you have some things that you can do without her. If you wrap your whole identity around her, you’re going to be in trouble if you encounter any problems.
You’re either committed to work through them, or you are not. Make up your mind on the matter now.
Even though there is certainly an element of “submission” to each other involved in marriage – she submits to you – you lay down your life for her (just read ephesians) — it’s especially important to understand that each of you is sovereign. She has a right to her feelings and frustrations, as much as you do. You can’t get butthurt if she sees things from a different perspective, or if she prefers miracle whip to mayo. (I know – that’s probably a dealbreaker) Recognizing and acknowledging her sovereignty, as well as your own will allow you both to understand your value.
You bought her dinner? She doesn’t have to sleep with you. You went to work for 16 hours? She doesn’t OWE you clean dishes. YES. It’s helpful for you to have arrangements and clear expectations of each other. But don’t think for a minute that love is transactional. You can’t purchase or earn affection. No one is indebted to give love to the other. Love is given as a free gift, or it’s not love at all.
If you tolerate disrespect, and if you give disrespect, you’ll get disrespect. You must set clear expectations of the behavior and communication you want to receive from them, and patiently correct them when they deliver something different.
Complaining, insults, intentionally hurtful words create a spiraling effect. One of you offers them up, the other retaliates.
Don’t expect her to show respect if you don’t. And if she doesn’t – rather than retaliate- calmly correct it and get to the root of why she’s feeling that way. Do it humbly. You very well might be the root of it. You don’t have to tolerate verbally abusive and hurtful language. But if there are patterns established, it will take patience to change those patterns.
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In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about what it means to be a gentleman.
The word gentleman has more connotations than it does definitions. It is important to clearly define what it means to be a gentleman, and to rid our minds of the mixed up messages we have often attached to the word.
I remember as a boy, well-meaning women teachers would use the word “gentlemen” to try to convince a class full of rowdy boys to sit still and be quiet.
Some boys, enthralled by the compliment of being referred to as “men” compiled. Most boys, offended at being called “gentle” didn’t comply.
I was often in the second category.
The word also conjures a cartoonish picture of a gentlemen of the Victorian era, in suit and bow tie, with a monocle and his hair parted in the middle.
He is not Popeye, Fred Flintstone or Yosemite Sam. He isn’t heroic or strong. He responds to tough circumstances with fear, or at best, really bad boxing form.
To this caricature, being gentle means being week.
To be a gentleman is not about being proper or mannered, or pedigreed or less likely to fight.
To be a gentlemen means to have honor… we give things and people the proper value, and treat them in a way that shows honor to their value.
That means showing courtesy and politeness when it matters.
That means showing respect where it is due.
That means treating people with kindness, and in some cases tenderness.
It also means defending that honor when sometime shows dishonor.
To be a gentleman is a choice to live in a way that shows honor, and return then deserves honor.
Maybe it’s because chivalry and chauvinism both involve men and how they view women…. Maybe it’s because they both start with “ch”… But the meaning of chivalry is often mixed with chauvinism.
chiv·al·ry
Chau·vin·ism
I don’t know if anyone even realizes they have connected the two words. I think it happened unconsciously somewhere around the time of the cultural revolution of the 60s.
I’ll be clear… that revolution for some very good things for women. There were many ridiculous ideas about women and their worth. Truly “male chauvinistic” ideas.
To be a gentleman is to value things rightly. To honor and respect women.
That sounds like chivalry to me.
Offering to hold the door for a woman didn’t mean we think she is weak. It means we want to show her honor.
It is polite to hold the door open for people, right?
Gentlemen show manners not just because of social norms or old fashioned rules… rather, that politeness comes out of a drive to honor people, to value people.
I can’t say that it will be ready to separate the cultural associations between chauvinism and chivalry, but we should strive to model that we are men of honor.
Gentle should never mean weak.
Erase that image from your head, and make sure to erase it from the minds of those around you.
I’ll never forget wrestling with my father when I was a boy and even a young man. My dad had some military training, some martial arts training, and years of brawling and fighting behind him. He was stronger than any man I knew.
He definitely showed that strength while we rolled around in the living room floor. He could have crushed my head, snapped a bone, or really seriously hurt me. But he didn’t. He was gentle.
Being gentle is not being weak. It is moderating and controlling strength.
The Allegheny River flowed through our backyard. We were twenty miles from the source, so some would have called it a creek. A very deep swimming hole right on our backyard used to draw young people from town who wanted to cool off in the brown water.
Many of those young people were very disrespectful to my dad’s property, and to my dad himself. He would hear kids cussing or fighting, or catch kids littering or even driving or drugging, and would walk down the river and set them straight. I watched boys and girls day things to my dad that should have been greeted with a smack to the face. But he always kept his cool. He would very firmly ask them to leave. If his eyes got fiery, those kids would scatter. Once in awhile, a young man would need to be physically removed. Dad had the strength and knowledge to cause serious harm. He never did.
That’s gentleness. That’s a gentleman. In control of his strength.
As men, we long to be known for our strength, or ruggedness. If we are not particularly strong, we may have shifted that to a desire to be known for our intellect or creativity. Either way, what each of us want, is supremacy. We want to be the best. We want to be the smartest. In fact, we often lie to ourselves very subtly, to tell ourselves that we are the best and most important person in the room. Even those who may take up the mantle to fight for the downtrodden seem to share this character trait. You see it from the Twitter feed of “social justice warriors” and even the old men swapping fish stories at the corner store over coffee. It’s human nature to put ourselves at the center of our own world.
A gentlemen shows a great that butts against this. Courtesy. Kindness.
To put someone else’s needs ahead of our own clashes with our own inner beast. And it often inspires the same response in others!
Let me challenge you directly, men. There are others who are smarter and stronger. And even those who are weaker and not as smart that need you to defer to them sometimes. They need you to step up and show kindness, politeness.
There are people that just need a smile, a laugh, a friend.
They might need you to offer a helping hand, or even make a sacrifice to help meet a bigger need.
I believe showing kindness goes against human nature, which is about self. Kindness though is built in is too… it’s built in because we are made in the image of God.
Let us never forget the kindness others have shown us, and let us live indebted to pay it forward in acts of love and service
TRIGGER WARNING: I’m about to talk about old-fashioned ideas about relationships and sexuality. Don’t listen if you can’t handle the fact that I might hold ideas that you think are outdated or prudish. Better yet, listen anyway and give it some thought. The worst that can happen is you might be exposed to someone else’s viewpoint. Most likely, you’ll see that I’m a reasonable person.
Somewhere in our 50 Shades of Tinder and snapchat soaked generation of “thirsty” bros, we’ve completely abandoned some old school ideas that I think really matters.
Yes. I’m old fashioned. I’m okay with that. If you think differently than I do – I am not judging you, I’m not offended by you, and I won’t disrespect you.
I think sexuality should be reserved for marriage.
I think sexuality should be gentle, not degrading.
I think that dating shouldn’t be exclusive, and should have strings attached.
I think courtship, or “going steady” should be done carefully, and with the goal of marriage in mind.
I have a lot more old fashioned ideas about this. But I think this is enough to give you my framework.
When it comes to courtship and dating (and yes, there is a distinction between the two) there’s something a man must do. HIs toughness, wildness and strength is not TAMED by her – but rather, he is RESTRAINED for her.
He treats her gently, picks flowers for her, braids her hair, and as such, she sees in him the true beauty of his affection for her – his RESTRAINT.
If a man cares for a woman, treating her gently does not neuter him, does not tame him, does not make him any less tough – no – it’s a chance to prove his love by showing restraint.
I think that if he jumps the gun, and enters into a sexual relationship before the proper time (in my opinion, after marriage) then he demonstrates not restraint, but rather shows her his lack of self-control.
That same restraint is important in the bedroom after marriage as well. He reserves his sexuality only for her. He also continues to treat her gently.
Our porn-saturated culture has normalized the degrading of women during sex. I think that a true gentleman does not descend to calling a woman names, or inflicting pain during sex. That isn’t love, and shouldn’t be portrayed as such.
No matter the stage of your relationship – to be a gentleman, you must exercise self-control!
Remember, men, gentle does not mean weak. To be a gentleman means to be a man in control of himself.
Want to weigh in? Comment here, or log in to our private facebook group – The Manlihood Mancave to discuss this with other men!
Interested in more Personal development for men? Check out our website at Manlihood.com for more info!
Don’t forget to check out our partners:
Hatcher Media – Creative Marketing Solutions | Graphic Design | Video Production | Web Design | Content and Social Marketing
Honky EDC – Everyday Carry Essentials. Handkerchiefs, Beard Oils, and More.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher tells us how to love our wives more than we love ourself.
Sometime during the last cultural revolution, a number of ancient truths have been tossed aside. Losing some old and antiquated ideas may have been good for our culture in some ways- but in others, we’ve lost some of the ancient wisdom that held our society together.
Marriage may seem like an old fashioned idea. I’ve heard it described as “a contract for female slavery” and “a ridiculous old fashioned idea.”
I want to make it clear that I’m admittedly old fashioned about this. I’m proud of it and unapologetic. That doesn’t mean I’m judgmental of those who do things differently.
But I firmly believe that while marriage is old fashioned, it’s also not meant to place women in a lower or lesser place.
Marriage is meant to be a union of two people. Do I think there is a natural authority of husband and father in a home? Yes. But that authority and leadership does not imply inequality.
If you want to love your wife well, then you need to not have a “Leave it to Beaver” June Cleaver definition in your mind of what’s expected of her. Especially in today’s culture, when women work outside the home – don’t demand that she be your house servant as well. Cooking and cleaning are not just women’s work. We all have to chip in. If she is a stay at home wife, it may seem fair to ask her to do more than a wife who is working outside the home as much as you are. But make sure that any expectations you have are communicated and worked out together, not demanded, solely because she’s a woman.
The old fashioned part about marriage that I love – is that it’s about commitment. Life long commitment.
Your wedding vows were not “until I don’t feel like it anymore.”
No – those vows were, “till death do us part.”
I understand that sometimes circumstances arise that change things, that make it difficult, that make it hard.
But make sure that for everything in your power, you do everything possible to honor that commitment. Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t make excuses. Just choose to honor your commitment.
How well do you know her? I know that now that my wife and I are approaching the time in our life when we’ve been together longer than apart, I know her well. Very well. I can walk in the room, and without a word, I can tell what she’s thinking, or how she’s feeling. (Not always, of course – women, after all, are always mysterious and surprising sometimes.)
As we get older, this relationship changes and morphs. It’s not just physical or emotional. It’s spiritual.
I am not saying we are a perfect example – we frustrate each other and annoy each other all the time. But I can tell you that for almost 20 years, I’ve studied her.
When we were dating – we started out asking each other questions. When we were engaged, we read books together about marriage -and went through THREE different premarital counseling courses. We knew we were getting married young and making what everyone else thought was a bad decision – so we wanted to make sure we were well equipped to face it.
So we started off with a really strong foundation.
As we have progressed in our relationship – I’ve always tried to be attentive to her. She thinks I don’t pay attention – but I do. Sometimes I choose NOT to do the thing that she wants me to do – for any number of reasons. But in general, I want to KNOW this woman I married.
In the bedroom, I know what she likes.
In the kitchen, I know what she likes.
If you want to know how to study and learn your wife, I highly recommend you read the book “The 5 Love Languages” as a starting place.
It breaks down the different ways that people love, and it will help you understand her, and how to communicate with her.
This, is perhaps the hardest part of love. Men, we see ourselves as leaders. (Which isn’t a bad thing. We’ll get to leadership, and what that means in a minute.) We see ourselves as lovers, we see ourselves in so many ways, but picturing ourselves as servants is so difficult.
The truth? No matter where you are in live, you’re a servant to someone.
To quote, Bob Dylan, “You’re gonna have to serve somebody. It may be the Devil, it may be the Lord, but you’re gonna have to serve somebody.”
In the case of marriage, you’re either serving yourself, or you are serving her.
Are you helping her with chores around the house? Are you providing for her needs? Are you doing things that help her? Are you making sure to please her first in the bedroom? (C’mon guys. You know that matters!)
If you want a happy wife, you’ve got to take on the role of a servant. It will make you a great husband. A happy husband. And if you do it well, and if you do it right, she’ll reciprocate.
Everybody can be great…because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love. ― Martin Luther King Jr.
Women are a mystery. I know it may be overgeneralization to say this – so apply whatever amount of common sense is needed to understand it.
Women don’t want you to fix their problem, as much as they want to feel understood, acknowledged, or listened to.
There are times, obviously, when what she really wants is for you to fix the drain under the kitchen sink.
But there are many times, she just needs to air her grievances to her best friend. She doesn’t want you to solve or fix the problem, but to listen to her.
This is hard for us. Men are fixers. It’s in our nature as men to find broken things and fix them.
Women do want things to be fixed. But more importantly, they just want to be heard, understood, loved, accepted.
It may seem counterintuitive and self-sabotaging to sit in that situation, where she pours her heart out, and you just listen.
You would not think that it is difficult, but learning to listen has been one of the toughest challenges of my relationship with my wife. I’ve always got a solution, and answer, a suggestion. Keeping those quiet long enough to fulfill her actual need, though, the need to be heard and understood – that’s the real challenge.
Use your words. Say what you think and feel about her. I don’t know why this is so difficult for many men to do – but it’s essential to building a good relationship.
She needs to hear, “Thank you.” How often?
You can never say it enough.
She needs to hear, “You are beautiful.” How often?
You can never say it enough.
There are many things unique to your wife that she needs to hear, and I’ll leave that up to you to decode and decipher her. But I can tell you that almost every woman I’ve ever met struggles with self-image, self-worth, self-doubt issues. I think it’s safe to say that it’s a common thing women struggle with.
As a husband, your responsibility is to build her up. To affirm her. To use your words to reassure, comfort, and back her up.
I would talk about the negative things we say – when we cut down, criticize, and tear her apart with our comments – but honestly, that’s another discussion entirely. All that I will say is to stop. If you have constructive advice or concerns – you need to wrap that in love. For every legitimate criticism, you should have already given her five to ten compliments.
Ultimately, men, the key component is understanding that love is a long series of small intentional choices and actions. It’s not warm and fuzzy feelings. You don’t “fall out of love” – you just stop tending it properly, and it gets choked out. So treat it like a garden, manicured, weeded, watered, and it will bear fruit.
Want to weigh in? Comment here, or log in to our private facebook group – The Manlihood Mancave to discuss this with other men!
Interested in more Personal development for men? Check out our website at Manlihood.com for more info!
Don’t forget to check out our sponsors:
Hatcher Media – Creative Marketing Solutions | Graphic Design | Video Production | Web Design | Content and Social Marketing
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A good woman is hard to find. Or is she?
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about ten things you need to know about getting a good woman.
Want to weigh in? Comment here, or log in to our private facebook group – The Manlihood Mancave to discuss this with other men!
Interested in more Personal development for men? Check out our website at Manlihood.com for more info!
Don’t forget to check out our sponsors:
Hatcher Media – Creative Marketing Solutions | Graphic Design | Video Production | Web Design | Content and Social Marketing
Honky EDC – Everyday Carry Essentials. Handkerchiefs, Beard Oils, and More.
Romance can make a grown man into a blubbering idiot when it goes well, and a sad sack of potatoes when it goes bad. What can you do to avoid screwing up your romance?
Generally speaking, there are certain needs that women have – and they are different from the needs that men have.
Women typically want to be heard and understood. So when she is telling you something – listen. And try to understand. Don’t assume that her emotion is directed at you, or even if is – that it means she doesn’t love you. Just listen, and do your best to understand what she is saying.
Women also need security. They need to know you aren’t going to leave them for a younger model, that you are going to work hard to provide, that you won’t let a rapist break into the house at night. Find ways to communicate that you will provide security.
Every woman is different and unique, and she has different and unique needs. Part of making a romance work is studying each other. So learn about her, how she receives love, and then give her that love.
Want to know more? Get the book “The 5 Love Languages” – it’s a great way for both of your to learn how to communicate with each other and build your romance.
___________
If you want to be a better man – check out our website – Manlihood.com – for blogs, videos, and more from our Manlihood Team. Men, you can also join our private facebook group- Manlihood ManCave -where you can meet up with a band of brothers who will challenge you and help you on your journey of manhood.
This episode is produced by Hatcher Media for Manlihood.com
Our Manly theme music is from Austin Stirling and also from Mark Kroos.
Be sure to subscribe and leave us a review on iTunes, Youtube, or wherever you are listening to the show!
Tune in again for more of the Manlihood ManCast
Episode 35: Valentine’s Day Massacre: How Not to Screw Up Your Romance Part 4
Romance can make a grown man into a blubbering idiot when it goes well, and a sad sack of potatoes when it goes bad. What can you do to avoid screwing up your romance?
Generally speaking, there are certain needs that women have – and they are different from the needs that men have.
Women typically want to be heard and understood. So when she is telling you something – listen. And try to understand. Don’t assume that her emotion is directed at you, or even if is – that it means she doesn’t love you. Just listen, and do your best to understand what she is saying.
Women also need security. They need to know you aren’t going to leave them for a younger model, that you are going to work hard to provide, that you won’t let a rapist break into the house at night. Find ways to communicate that you will provide security.
Every woman is different and unique, and she has different and unique needs. Part of making a romance work is studying each other. So learn about her, how she receives love, and then give her that love.
Want to know more? Get the book “The 5 Love Languages” – it’s a great way for both of your to learn how to communicate with each other and build your romance.
___________
If you want to be a better man – check out our website – Manlihood.com – for blogs, videos, and more from our Manlihood Team. Men, you can also join our private facebook group- Manlihood ManCave -where you can meet up with a band of brothers who will challenge you and help you on your journey of manhood.
This episode is produced by Hatcher Media for Manlihood.com
Our Manly theme music is from Austin Stirling and also from Mark Kroos.
Be sure to subscribe and leave us a review on iTunes, Youtube, or wherever you are listening to the show!
Tune in again for more of the Manlihood ManCast
Episode 34: Valentine’s Day Massacre: How Not to Screw Up Your Romance Part 3
Funny how Valentine’s Day conjured up image of Cupid shooting people with a bow and arrow… sometimes, a relationship feels more like a Valentine’s Day Massacre!
How do you avoid screwing up your romance?
You have to apply grace.
No – not Grace Slick, legendary singer of Jefferson Starship.
No – not grace like a ballerina.
Grace is choosing to show favor whether it is merited or not.
Your partner isn’t perfect. She’s gonna mess up sometimes. As are you. You’re going to leave your underwear on the floor again, or she’s going to spend money without checking with you first. She’s going to lose her cool and call you a name. You’re gonna stub your toe and swear in front of the kids.
It’s going to happen. You will make mistakes.
A good romance applies grace – it doesn’t ignore the mistakes – it chooses to forgive and work with them.
Are there things that are irreconcilable? Sure. But if you want a romance to work – you have to choose to do everything in your power to reconcile as much as you possible can.
___________
If you want to be a better man – check out our website – Manlihood.com – for blogs, videos, and more from our Manlihood Team. Men, you can also join our private facebook group- Manlihood ManCave -where you can meet up with a band of brothers who will challenge you and help you on your journey of manhood.
This episode is produced by Hatcher Media for Manlihood.com
Our Manly theme music is from Austin Stirling and also from Mark Kroos.
Be sure to subscribe and leave us a review on iTunes, Youtube, or wherever you are listening to the show!
Tune in again for more of the Manlihood ManCast
Episode 32: Valentine’s Day Massacre: How Not to Screw Up Your Romance Part 1
As we embrace the Holiday of St. Valentine’s Day, we are surrounded with pink hearts and cupid’s arrows, and chocolate – but the truth is – romance isn’t always so sweet and frilly. Real love takes hard work, and we’ve seen many times when the romance around us looks more like the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre than it does a Hallmark Movie.
Don’t screw it up! There are so many pitfalls that can murder your love story. Let’s start with the biggest one. DON’T CHEAT.
You would think that would be simple right? Then why do 22% of men, and 14 percent of women cheat on their significant other? Why do ⅓ of all marriages have an incident of infidelity?
Cheating starts long before the act. They start in your mind, when you start to think of someone else, and when you start to justify infidelity.
Want to prevent it? Start with correcting those errant thoughts when they pop in your head. Start by putting safeguards in place that prevent you from being in a position where anything COULD happen.
___________
If you want to be a better man – check out our website – Manlihood.com – for blogs, videos, and more from our Manlihood Team. Men, you can also join our private facebook group- Manlihood ManCave -where you can meet up with a band of brothers who will challenge you and help you on your journey of manhood.
This episode is produced by Hatcher Media for Manlihood.com
Our Manly theme music is from Austin Stirling and also from Mark Kroos.
Be sure to subscribe and leave us a review on iTunes, Youtube, or wherever you are listening to the show!
Tune in again for more of the Manlihood ManCast