relationships

January 12 2018

Episode 10 – Manlihood Mancast – Love and Junk – She Doesn’t HAVE To Love You

You may have the woman of your dreams all lined up. She might even think you are pretty cool – maybe even date you for a little while…

But let’s make something clear – she doesn’t HAVE to love you. You cannot force someone to love you. As much as love is a choice for YOU – it’s a choice for HER.

When you chose to tell her that you love her, and to show her that you love her – obviously, you hope that she wants to give you love in return. But…

She does not HAVE to love you.

You cannot MAKE her love you.

All you can do is show her who you are, how you feel, and how you value her. If she reciprocates, it can be a beautiful thing. But never, ever, assume that you are OWED love in return. Love doesn’t demand reciprocation.

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If you want to be a better man – check out our website – Manlihood.com – for blogs, videos, and more from our Manlihood Team. Men, you can also join our private facebook group- Manlihood ManCave -where you can meet up with a band of brothers who will challenge you and help you on your journey of manhood.

This episode is produced by Hatcher Media for Manlihood.com
Our Manly theme music is from Austin Stirling and also from Mark Kroos.
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January 11 2018

Episode 9 – Manlihood Mancast – Love and Junk – Love Requires Action AND Words

“I love you.” People make a big deal about those words, and when they are supposed to be said. We’ve made “I love you” into a holy grail… but Those words mean NOTHING if they aren’t followed up with action.

“I love you” and yet, I won’t commit to you. I won’t marry you, because I don’t think I love you permanently.
“I love you” and yet – I’ll chew your face off if you don’t do something right.
“I love you” and yet – I still love those other hot women on my computer screen.

If you really love someone, it has to be more than just words. It has to be words AND action.

And the words DO matter – why would you love someone and never tell them? Make sure to tell the people in your life that you love them (your wife, your kids, your parents, even your friends.)

January 10 2018

Episode 8 – Manlihood Mancast – Love and Junk – Love isn’t an Emotion

Your heart beats out of your chest. Blood starts pumping to your face, to your groin. Your mouth dries up – or worse- starts salivating. You can’t concentrate, you can’t eat, you can’t sleep.

Because of the emotions that seem to flood those budding relationships – it’s easy to see why people associate those FEELINGS with love.

Love is a choice. It’s not how you feel. In 10 years, that beautiful young bride you married will be a little wrinklier, and those butterflies in your gut might feel more like bricks… it doesn’t mean love is any less powerful or beautiful, but it’s definitely not as emotional. In fact – after almost 20 years of marriage, I can tell you – that I love her more everyday.
Don’t get confused about the nature of love, or you’ll find yourself giving up on it way too early.

September 11 2017

Hey Friends. It’s Okay to Be Flawed

By Kelsey Boudin

Writing is an interesting exercise. It can be rewarding. It can feel intellectually satisfying like reading a challenging book on an enlightening topic. It can also be maddening. It can feel stupefyingly complicated as you sit and stare at a blinking cursor and a handful of crappy words that sounded a lot better in your head than they look on your screen.

In that way, writing mirrors life and its many trials. Who hasn’t felt as if they were staring at a blank screen while contending with crises of faith, relationships, parenthood, career, finances, and more? What’s the next keystroke?

So I wanted my first blogpost here to offer some value while also introducing myself to the Manlihood Mancave.

For those of us looking to better ourselves as men and empower those around us, here it is: Our flaws are inevitable. We’re going to mess up despite our best efforts. We’re going to misjudge, misstep, misunderstand, misplace, misuse, misread, misspeak, misbehave, and mistake our paths through life.

We hope those times are few and far between. We hope the errant steps have minimal effect on those we care for most. We hope we’re man enough to admit when we’re wrong and make an immediate course correction.

Oh yeah, we also know no matter how hard we hope those hopes that we’ll rarely live up to our own expectations. We won’t learn our mistakes and shortcomings until after the fact, sometimes long after, sometimes after damage has been done.

But it’s OK. It’s part of being human. If we’re introspective and open to change, we can learn some of the greatest lessons of our lives. Sometimes it could take:

A DWI to accept that you have a drinking problem
Losing your job to actually stumble across the right career
Divorce to realize your attitude was part of the problem
The guilt of missing your kid’s school play to tell your boss you can’t work overtime

Sometimes it literally could take a death close to you for you to get a clue.

Being a father has cast a glaring spotlight on my own shortcomings. Even still, it can be difficult to make significant changes. It’s easy to rationalize or make excuses for when and why I choose pleasure over responsibility.

But there’s a flipside. In acknowledging my mistakes and vices, it’s also easier to realize and appreciate my successes. I guess, there’s a silver lining to messing up and being foolish sometimes.

Here’s to personal growth. May you find yours.

August 29 2017

Understanding Gentlemen: Of Courtship and Flowerpicking

Of Courtship and Flowerpicking

TRIGGER WARNING: The following post contains old-fashioned ideas about relationships and sexuality. Don’t read if you can’t handle the fact that I might hold ideas that you think are outdated or prudish. Better yet, ready it anyway and give it some thought. The worst that can happen is you might be exposed to someone else’s viewpoint. Most likely, you’ll see that I’m a reasonable person.

Somewhere in our 50 Shades of Tinder and snapchat soaked generation of “thirsty” bros, we’ve completely abandoned some old school ideas that I think really matters.

Yes. I’m old fashioned. I’m okay with that. If you think differently than I do – I am not judging you, I’m not offended by you, and I won’t disrespect you.

I think sexuality should be reserved for marriage.

I think sexuality should be gentle, not degrading.

I think that dating shouldn’t be exclusive, and should have strings attached.
I think courtship, or “going steady” should be done carefully, and with the goal of marriage in mind.

I have a lot more old fashioned ideas about this. But I think this is enough to give you my framework.
When it comes to courtship and dating (and yes, there is a distinction between the two) there’s something a man must do. HIs toughness, wildness and strength is not TAMED by her – but rather, he is RESTRAINED for her.

He treats her gently, picks flowers for her, braids her hair, and as such, she sees in him the true beauty of his affection for her – his RESTRAINT.

If a man cares for a woman, treating her gently does not neuter him, does not tame him, does not make him any less tough – no – it’s a chance to prove his love by showing restraint.

I think that if he jumps the gun, and enters into a sexual relationship before the proper time (in my opinion, after marriage) then he demonstrates not restraint, but rather shows her his lack of self-control.

That same restraint is important in the bedroom after marriage as well. He reserves his sexuality only for her. He also continues to treat her gently.

Our porn-saturated culture has normalized the degrading of women during sex. I think that a true gentleman does not descend to calling a woman names, or inflicting pain during sex. That isn’t love, and shouldn’t be portrayed as such.

No matter the stage of your relationship – to be a gentleman, you must exercise self-control!

August 8 2017

Understanding Gentlemen: Chivalry is not Chauvinism

Chivalry is not Chauvinism

Maybe it’s because chivalry and chauvinism both involve men and how they view women…. Maybe it’s because they both start with “ch”… But the meaning of chivalry is often mixed with chauvinism.

chiv·al·ry
ˈSHivəlrē/Submit
noun
the medieval knightly system with its religious, moral, and social code.
historical
knights, noblemen, and horsemen collectively.
“I fought against the cream of French chivalry”
the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, especially courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.
synonyms: knight errantry, courtly manners, knightliness, courtliness, nobility; bravery, courage, boldness, valor, heroism, daring, intrepidity; bushido
“the values of chivalry”

chau·vin·ism
ˈSHōvəˌnizəm/Submit
noun
exaggerated or aggressive patriotism.
“public opinion was easily moved to chauvinism and nationalism”
synonyms: jingoism, excessive patriotism, blind patriotism, excessive nationalism, sectarianism, isolationism, flag-waving; More
excessive or prejudiced loyalty or support for one’s own cause, group, or gender.
plural noun: chauvinisms
“a bastion of male chauvinism”
synonyms: jingoism, excessive patriotism, blind patriotism, excessive nationalism, sectarianism, isolationism, flag-waving; xenophobia, racism, ethnocentrism, ethnocentricity; partisanship, partiality, prejudice, bias, discrimination, bigotry; male chauvinism, antifeminism, misogyny, sexism
“they have a tendency toward small-mindedness and chauvinism”

I don’t know if anyone even realizes they have connected the two words. I think it happened unconsciously somewhere around the time of the cultural revolution of the 60s.

I’ll be clear… that revolution for some very good things for women. There were many ridiculous ideas about women and their worth. Truly “male chauvinistic” ideas.

To be a gentleman is to value things rightly. To honor and respect women.

That sounds like chivalry to me.

Offering to hold the door for a woman didn’t mean we think she is weak. It means we want to show her honor.

It is polite to hold the door open for people, right?

Gentlemen show manners not just because of social norms or old fashioned rules… rather, that politeness comes out of a drive to honor people, to value people.
I can’t say that it will be ready to separate the cultural associations between chauvinism and chivalry, but we should strive to model that we are men of honor.

July 28 2017

The Smell of Dog and Self-Deception

Have you ever been away on vacation and came home? You may take a deep breath and the pungent odor of dog hits your face, and you say, “Ewww! What’s that smell?”

You see, when you live with a dog, you get used to his smell. Your house smells like it. You can clean, and probably get rid of most of it. But it’s there. And you don’t notice it, because you smell it all the time. When people come to the house, they smell it. They just don’t say anything.

But when you come home, you smell it. Because it was there all along.

Honestly, when I first experienced this, I just wished my friends had told me that my house smelled like dog.

I recently penned a piece about self deception, and the importance of making sure that there are good friends around to to point out what you can’t see about yourself.

This is not easy to accept, that our own failings and shortcomings exist, and that they are holding us back.

It’s also not easy to accept criticism. There is a reason the most quoted Bible verse is “Judge not, lest you be judged.” No one likes to be called out.

“A man should be able to hear, and to bear, the worst that could be said of him.”
Saul Bellow

I’ve often said that a real friend tells you if you have a booger on your face.

Only you though, can wipe it off.

June 28 2017

Love Your Wife More Than You Love Yourself – Part 5

Thank and Affirm Her.

Use your words. Say what you think and feel about her. I don’t know why this is so difficult for many men to do – but it’s essential to building a good relationship.

She needs to hear, “Thank you.” How often?
You can never say it enough.

She needs to hear, “You are beautiful.” How often?
You can never say it enough.

There are many things unique to your wife that she needs to hear, and I’ll leave that up to you to decode and decipher her. But I can tell you that almost every woman I’ve ever met struggles with self-image, self-worth, self-doubt issues. I think it’s safe to say that it’s a common thing women struggle with.

As a husband, your responsibility is to build her up. To affirm her. To use your words to reassure, comfort, and back her up.

I would talk about the negative things we say – when we cut down, criticize, and tear her apart with our comments – but honestly, that’s another discussion entirely. All that I will say is to stop. If you have constructive advice or concerns – you need to wrap that in love. For every legitimate criticism, you should have already given her five to ten compliments.

June 27 2017

Love Your Wife More Than You Love Yourself – Part 4

Listen to her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like the guy in this video.
Women are a mystery. I know it may be overgeneralization to say this – so apply whatever amount of common sense is needed to understand it.

Women don’t want you to fix their problem, as much as they want to feel understood, acknowledged, or listened to.

There are times, obviously, when what she really wants is for you to fix the drain under the kitchen sink.

But there are many times, she just needs to air her grievances to her best friend. She doesn’t want you to solve or fix the problem, but to listen to her.

This is hard for us. Men are fixers. It’s in our nature as men to find broken things and fix them.
Women do want things to be fixed. But more importantly, they just want to be heard, understood, loved, accepted.

It may seem counter-intuitive and self-sabotaging to sit in that situation, where she pours her heart out, and you just listen.

You would not think that it is difficult, but learning to listen has been one of the toughest challenges of my relationship with my wife. I’ve always got a solution, and answer, a suggestion. Keeping those quiet long enough to fulfill her actual need, though, the need to be heard and understood – that’s the real challenge.

Marriage - Masculinity - Manhood - Manlihood.com

June 20 2017

Love Your Wife More Than You Love Yourself – Part 3

Serve her.

This, is perhaps the hardest part of love. Men, we see ourselves as leaders. (Which isn’t a bad thing. We’ll get to leadership, and what that means in a minute.) We see ourselves as lovers, we see ourselves in so many ways, but picturing ourselves as servants is so difficult.
The truth? No matter where you are in live, you’re a servant to someone.

To quote, Bob Dylan, “You’re gonna have to serve somebody. It may be the Devil, it may be the Lord, but you’re gonna have to serve somebody.”

In the case of marriage, you’re either serving yourself, or you are serving her.
Are you helping her with chores around the house? Are you providing for her needs? Are you doing things that help her? Are you making sure to please her first in the bedroom? (C’mon guys. You know that matters!)

If you want a happy wife, you’ve got to take on the role of a servant. It will make you a great husband. A happy husband. And if you do it well, and if you do it right, she’ll reciprocate.
Everybody can be great…because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love. ― Martin Luther King Jr.