relationships

Marriage - Masculinity - Manhood, Manlihood

June 13 2017

Love Your Wife More Than You Love Yourself – Part 2

Study her.

How well do you know her? I know that now that my wife and I are approaching the time in our life when we’ve been together longer than apart, I know her well. Very well. I can walk in the room, and without a word, I can tell what she’s thinking, or how she’s feeling. (Not always, of course – women, after all, are always mysterious and surprising sometimes.)

As we get older, this relationship changes and morphs. It’s not just physical or emotional. It’s spiritual.

I am not saying we are a perfect example – we frustrate each other and annoy each other all the time. But I can tell you that for almost 20 years, I’ve studied her.

When we were dating – we started out asking each other questions. When we were engaged, we read books together about marriage -and went through THREE different premarital counseling courses. We knew we were getting married young and making what everyone else thought was a bad decision – so we wanted to make sure we were well equipped to face it.

So we started off with a really strong foundation.

As we have progressed in our relationship – I’ve always tried to be attentive to her. She thinks I don’t pay attention – but I do. Sometimes I choose NOT to do the thing that she wants me to do – for any number of reasons. But in general, I want to KNOW this woman I married.

In the bedroom, I know what she likes.
In the kitchen, I know what she likes.

If you want to know how to study and learn your wife, I highly recommend you read the book “The 5 Love Languages” as a starting place.

It breaks down the different ways that people love, and it will help you understand her, and how to communicate with her.

June 6 2017

Love Your Wife More Than You Love Yourself – Part 1

Balance the Old Fashioned ways with freedom and respect.

Sometime during the last cultural revolution, a number of ancient truths have been tossed aside. Losing some old and antiquated ideas may have been good for our culture in some ways- but in others, we’ve lost some of the ancient wisdom that held our society together.
Marriage may seem like an old fashioned idea. I’ve heard it described as “a contract for female slavery” and “a ridiculous old fashioned idea.”

I want to make it clear that I’m admittedly old fashioned about this. I’m proud of it and unapologetic. That doesn’t mean I’m judgmental of those who do things differently.

But I firmly believe that while marriage is old fashioned, it’s also not meant to place women in a lower or lesser place.

Marriage is meant to be a union of two people. Do I think there is a natural authority of husband and father in a home? Yes. But that authority and leadership does not imply inequality.

If you want to love your wife well, then you need to not have a “Leave it to Beaver” June Cleaver definition in your mind of what’s expected of her. Especially in today’s culture, when women work outside the home – don’t demand that she be your house servant as well. Cooking and cleaning are not just women’s work. We all have to chip in. If she is a stay at home wife, it may seem fair to ask her to do more than a wife who is working outside the home as much as you are. But make sure that any expectations you have are communicated and worked out together, not demanded, solely because she’s a woman.

The old fashioned part about marriage that I love – is that it’s about commitment. Life long commitment.

Your wedding vows were not “until I don’t feel like it anymore.”
No – those vows were, “till death do us part.”

I understand that sometimes circumstances arise that change things, that make it difficult, that make it hard.

But make sure that for everything in your power, you do everything possible to honor that commitment. Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t make excuses. Just choose to honor your commitment.

February 28 2017

How to Get a Good Woman: The Art of Courtship (Part 4)

Looking for the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with? Tired of being alone? Obviously, I can’t guarantee or promise anything… but I can tell you what mindsets you need to adjust in order to find a good woman.

I’ve already admitted that I’m a bit old-fashioned. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I’m not judging anyone for living life to standards that are different than my own. I’m not demanding that everyone follow the same moral laws as myself. I shouldn’t have to make these disclaimers, but there are many men and women out there that for some reason are offended by virtue, chastity, and traditional values. To them, my assertions that we should hold on to some of the old ways, rather than throw them out and mate like bonobos are oppressive. To this I say, grow up! It’s okay to have your opinion on sexual and romantic mores, and it’s okay for me to have mine. I have settled on mine based on my faith, and they have been reinforced by my observations in my own relationships, and in others. If in the end, you think I’m wrong, and want to view these things your way, you have the freedom to do so. And I have the same freedom to see things my way. I do hope you at least give my perspective some thought.

I’m going to share my whole thoughts on “courtship” from childhood on through, because I think the whole picture helps to set the stage for healthy adult relationships.

Growing up in the 1980s, we had a constant pressure from the culture around us to “date.” Even as young as kindergarten, the kids in my class were talking about boyfriends and girlfriends and crushes. I remember yearning for the little girl who say next to me to be my girlfriend. To be honest, it was quite a distraction to my schooling. I spend the next thirteen years writing love poetry and “do you like me” notes. While I always wanted a steady girlfriend, I really didn’t have one until my senior year. And then I had a couple of girlfriends. ( at different times.)

Looking back on things, I wish I had the perspective that I have developed now, on the other side.

Younger kids shouldn’t be worried about this stuff. Elementary and middle school is too young to be wasting emotional strength on the ups and downs of romance. Kids will have crushes, but they should be taught to keep their emotions in check, and to develop friendships.

Older kids should be able to “date.” I use the word date hear differently than I used it earlier.
I don’t think that they should “go steady” until they are adults. If a young girl wants to go to the movies with one boy one weekend, and to dinner with another boy the next – I think this should be not only socially acceptable, but encouraged.

I think that until you’re old enough to actually get married and make life-long commitments (and that age is adulthood, by the way) then they shouldn’t be living in a committed relationship.

So many young “ boyfriends and girlfriends” have built up this committed relationship, and invested their hearts, and sometimes even their sexuality into this relationship that really isn’t strong enough to survive. It’s appropriate to keep childhood romance limited, and uncommitted. Those commitments can be “practiced” as adults.

For the record, I also think parents should be closely involved and in the know with who and how kids are dating. I think sex should not be recreational for kids, and parents shouldn’t condone it, and should do their part to keep their kids from it.

As adults, I think we should start from that place of friendship and uncommitted dating.
There’s no reason to get exclusive until that dating starts to lead to a more committed relationship.

Take the time to do things together as friends. Sure, there can be a little romance in it. But guard your heart, and keep your emotions in check.

When it’s time to commit, do so with respect for each other.
For lack of a better term, let’s use the word courtship.
This is where the relationship goes through its refining phase.

“Is she the kind of person I want to marry?”

This is the primary question of courtship. Your exclusive dating relationship is about getting to know your girlfriend to determine if you can make a permanent lifelong commitment to her.

My encouragement to you is this. Before you enter courtship – make a list. What are you looking for? What are the “non-negotiables” – the things you “must have” in a spouse? What things do you prefer, but are flexible about?

When Zoe and I were in this phase of our dating relationship, she had a list of questions. I swear there were a hundred of them. We would go to the Library, and instead of studying, we would ask each other these questions. As we went through them together, we got to know each other well, and it was clear early on and that we were compatible. It’s also a great way to weed out that girl that isn’t right for you.

This is really the whole crux of courtship. Getting to know this person to make sure that you can stand to be with them for the rest of your life. The first few weeks may be pretty easy, as there’s a lot of emotion and heartbeats flowing. But if you do it right- you’ll fight. You’ll find things you disagree on. Part of what makes it work is when you determine whether these moments are deal-breakers or not. If you find out she LOVES Justin Bieber music, and you can’t stand it – it might just be a dealbreaker. She will find out things about you that also may be dealbreakers.

That is part of the process.

It may take months, it may take years. Whatever it takes, just make sure that you don’t cloud it with hormones and emotions. Think clearly, and act clearly.

Again, I’m old-fashioned, so I think sex at this point is not appropriate. I think that should wait for marriage, and I think that not just because I’m a Christian, but because I think it makes sense to save that for your committed life partner.

Engagement is the next step after courtship. This is the part of your relationship where you are planning and preparing for a wedding. Don’t propose until you know that you want to marry her – because to propose marriage is a very serious commitment. You shouldn’t just walk away from an engagement because you found out she likes the Steelers and you like the Bills. Engagements are serious business, and they should only be entered when you are actually ready to start planning the marriage. Timeframe depends on each relationship, but if you are trying to save sex for marriage, I recommend a short engagement. The longer you have to wait, the easier it is to fall into that pattern.

Marriage, once you’ve reached that point, is forever.
I could write entire books just on this topic, but I want to make very clear, that while I understand there are legitimate reasons for divorce – if you enter your marriage with that as a potential “out” – it’s a lot easier to choose to take the out.

Marriage isn’t for the faint of heart. I do believe any two idiots can make one work, if they both work… in fact, in parts of the world, people don’t even meet their spouse till their wedding day, and they stay married for the entire lives. So don’t tell me it’s possible.

If you want to make a marriage work, it’s important to understand not only is it meant to be forever, but it’s built on love. And love is not a feeling it’s a choice.

You choose to love her, even when you don’t feel it.

You don’t walk away just because you “fell out of love.” I contend that rather, you choose to love, and you can make her fall back in love with you.

I know these thoughts may seem counter-cultural and controversial. I’m perfectly fine with that.
If you have read them, considered them, and still don’t agree with them – that’s fine. It doesn’t change my opinion that yours is a different one.

February 21 2017

How to get a good woman: Cultivating Friendships (Part 3)

Too often, our relationships are doomed with the wrong goal. We start pursuing relationships with women from the perspective that they will want to date us, marry us, sleep with us. We start with romance in mind.

If you want to “get a good woman,” what you are chasing is a long term committed relationship with the right woman. Not to oversimplify or sound too judgmental, but let’s call it that marriage. (It seems strange that we have to offer a disclaimer about marriage in this day and age. I know I’m old-fashioned, but I fear our culture is abandoning some very important values when it comes to long term relationships in regards to marriage. That is another topic for another day.)

If all of your energies are focused on building that romance from the start, what you build is a relationship built on attraction and emotion – and those are pretty weak foundation blocks for a lifelong commitment.

Don’t start by asking her out. Start by getting to know her. Invite a group of friends, coupled and un-coupled out for dinner, or a hike, or over to play board games. Be friends first. Build that friendship, and the rest may follow. If it doesn’t, you can keep trying, or you can move on! Moving on is tricky though – if you’ve already walked down the aisle with her in your heart. Take it slower. Don’t try to inject that into your friendship, and keep those emotions and imaginations under control.

Take it slow may look different from case to case. When I met my wife, our collective groups of friends hung out at college all the time for about a month or so, and then I just knew that I should pursue taking that friendship to a romantic level. We were married nine months later. For some, it may appear “fast” or “quick” and I’m not averse to a quick relationship….

But it does need to start out with friendship. We spent a lot of time with friends talking, laughing, goofing off, eating meals, going to concerts, watching movies together. We had conversations, and grew to trust each other, and knew each other quite well, surprisingly, before progressing to romance.

Too often, this step is skipped.

And if a friendship is not built well and carefully, it might not survive the “Hey, you want to go on a date?” question.

It doesn’t have to be awkward afterward. It only is awkward if you’re all puppy-dogged and weepy about it. Keep those emotions in check, and if she isn’t interested in you, then keep the friendship and work toward building another romance with someone else – unless you think you can try again later.

The problems come when we gunk all this up with sexual tension, unrealistic attachments, and unbridled emotion.

Keep your wits about you, young man.

February 14 2017

How to Get a Good Woman: Confidence (Part 2)

I feel strongly that if you do what we talked about last week, and improve your self, you’ll naturally be more confident.

But women are looking for confidence. They are looking for a man who knows himself, and who is confident with who he is.

They can smell bravado a mile a way, though. Whatever you do – don’t fake it. If you project confidence when you don’t have it, you look like that little kid on the playground who lies about what his dad does for a living.

Here are the steps you need to take to become more confident,

1. Change your mind. (Change your thoughts)
Confidence is birthed out of a mindset. That mindset has to be cultivated. Your mind is a garden. You’ve got to plant seeds of confidence if you want confidence to grow and produce fruit.

You can’t choose to be confident in the moment when you’re on your first date. You have to choose to be confident now! Make the choice, and work toward cleaning up your thought patterns – taking negative thoughts captive, and replacing them with confidence.

2. Set Goals (and then acheive them)

The biggest way to boost confidence naturally is to set a goal, and make it happen.
I watched my son, who took the driver’s license test a few times before passing, set a goal to pass it, then practice his parallel parking. When he passed his test – he was beaming with confidence. In fact, this young man who is normally shy around the ladies started immediately chatting up another young lady who successfully passed her test.

Your goal may be losing weight, learning french, getting a job, finishing a project, buying a car – or any other number of goals that will give you the feeling of accomplishment you need.

Build our tribe (and evaluate who is in it)
I’m never a fan of kicking people out of your life – but you may want to take inventory of the people that you allow to speak into your life. Are they building you up? Or cutting you down?

Spend time with the people that build you up, and limit your contact with those that don’t. You don’t have to tell them you are limiting their contact. Be cordial to them – but just allow yourself to pull away from the influences in your life that bring you down.

Note: Sometimes a good friend may talk tough to you – this does not always equate to cutting you down. Keep your skin thick, but be open to friends who really do want to see you improve who share the hard truth with you. A real friend tells you if there is a booger on your face.

4. Mirror Talk

The idea of pep-talking to yourself in the mirror is a bit of a cultural trope… but maybe there’s a little something to it. Maybe looking yourself in the eye and speaking positive truths to yourself actually does build you up.

Sometimes I think the words that we use are a bit magical. There are power in your words. So use them wisely to build yourself. The power of saying. “I can do this!” is quite possible the most mystical experience there is.

I know most of these things seem to focus on the internal more than the focus on the relationships with women directly. The truth is – what a woman wants has more to do with what’s behind the scenes, ANYWAY.

February 7 2017

How to get a good woman: be a better man

The first step in finding a good woman has nothing to do with a woman at all. It has to do with yourself. While it sucks to feel alone, and the temptation is to find something to fill that void, we must rise above our feelings to deal with the bigger problem.

If you want to find a good woman, you must make sure that you are the kind of man that a good woman wants.

Take some time to do some honest self-evaluation.

Are you taking care of your body? (Bathing, Grooming, Eating right, Working out, etc.)

Women aren’t going to be attracted to a slob. I’m not saying you have to look like Andrew Garfield. I’m just saying that if you expect to find a woman, she doesn’t want to smell oniony arm-pits, kiss brown teeth, or be with a guy that will eventually weigh 600 pounds.

Are you investing in your self-improvement?

What books / blogs / podcasts / etc are you ingesting in order to grow as a better man? What skills are you honing? What steps are you taking to grow?

What kind of relationships do you have?

Are you cultivating good relationships with your family? Do you have baby-mama drama? Do you have a string of exes who hate you? Do you have good friends in your life who help you improve, and who have your back? Do you hang around a bunch of low-life’s who treat you or others badly?

What kind of job do you have?

While we may life in an age of the working woman, I am convinced that most women do want to know that a partner will be able to provide her economic security. Your job doesn’t have to be a job that makes you rich, but is it a secure job? Does it provide for your needs? Is it heading in the direction of your career, or at least providing the cash you need to build your future?

What hobbies do you have?

Do these hobbies relieve stress, or create stress? Are they productive hobbies, or passive hobbies? Do they allow room for a woman to join you? Do they help recharge you?

I have found that if you work on yourself first, you’ll find satisfaction in your own personal growth, and then have less need of a woman to satisfy you, first of all. But you’ll also be prepared and better equipped to raise the caliber of the kind of woman that would be interested in you.

Take the time to build your own character, skills, career, and do it for you – not for her. That makes you more a more attractive and competent mate.

September 19 2016

3 Tips to a Better Conversation

There are so many different ways to enter a conversation and start a conversation with someone you want to speak with that the options are unlimited. This shouldnt make you feel hopeless, but hopeful!

Conversations can go so many different ways, but you can steer them to go in a positive direction – and ultimately a direction that BENEFITS you, not hurt you.

Here are 3 Tips in starting a conversation with ANYONE of any sex, race, and creed.

1. Have an opener ready for the given situation

An opener? What is that?

An opener is a simple way that you are going to enter the conversation that displays you have social confidence and that there is a bit of intelligence behind the curtain – that someone “is at home” so to speak.

Some are doing this without even knowing what they are doing. My wife will do it all the time when we are out at the store. She is so good at talking to random strangers. She will see someone in the medical aisle, use the OBSERVATION approach (without knowing what she is going) and say something like “Oh, my son just had a cold and it works fantastic! Are your little ones getting this cold too?” Bam – my wife is locked for the next 15-20 minutes. What did she do besides the observation opener? Read number 2.

2. Quickly make the conversation/question about them

At this phase of the conversation, now is not the time to be asking questions that will get one word answers. Those come off as awkward and will create dead space. Dead space = bad. Dead space shows you lack social status and you are TRYING to hard. Having them talk about themselves transitions that. What is really funny was when I was working this stuff out, I would ask a one word answer question, then try to follow it up with an observational question to TRY to get them talking – forget it! You will lose interest almost immediately with one word answer type questions.

Want to be the best conversationalist? Learn how to get someone to talk about themselves.

3. Listen and Respond.

There was some truth about dating, relationships, and conversations that you could have taken away from the Will Smith movie, HITCH. That is when you are engaging in a conversation “listen and respond.” I know that sounds so simple, but it is so hard to do. Listen to what they are saying in the conversation, then respond intellegently, sarcastically, or intrigued. You can really demonstrate your personality in your responses as well. Getting them to laugh will draw instant likability as well. Dont be afraid to share your emotions about a certain topic – mirror them to see what is going to be appropriate – if they are sad – respond/mirror with sympathy. If they are excited – be excited! Mirroring is highly effective and will definitely help you increase your likability in your conversation.

3.5 Have fun.

This one goes along with anything you are working on within yourself – Have fun – for goodness sake have fun, would ya? Lighten up. You get shot down, or it feels awkward – turn and smile – even laugh about a fail. Tell your friends and if they dont pick on you about it – make new friends that will laugh WITH you. Go out and have some fun – this world is too big to be serious all the time.

Until next time!

Andrew G. Wright Sr.

You can get more helpful tips from Andrew in his book, “How To Talk To Anyone!” Andrew shares his wisdom of conversations that he has learned while in the field of life. Struggling with a disability, Andrew had to pay extra attention to conversations and social metrics – if anyone can help you with social anxiety and talking with others – Andrew can.

August 30 2016

Hot Summer Nights: Sometimes Netflix and Chill is okay

At Manlihood.com, we don’t want to be like Esquire, GQ, or Maxim. We have a different moral compass and a different motivation than other men’s magazines. But that doesn’t mean we have to be afraid to talk about sexuality. This month, we’re going to talk about how to reignite your sex life with your spouse. Disclaimer: I may be a little old fashioned. My perspective on sex may be filled with assumptions about marriage as the primary conduit for sexual activity. This doesn’t mean I’m judging anyone who does it differently. I’ll leave it up to you how you apply these blog posts.

The phrase “Netflix and Chill” has become synonymous with – let’s pretend to watch TV and have sex.

Sometimes – just chilling out and watching Netflix is important. Sometimes just sitting on the couch together watching American Pickers, without any pressure to perform is good relationship building.

Here’s a list of things you can do that don’t involve sex that can help you have better sex later.

Take a walk.
Cook together
Play Go Fish
Sit by a campfire
Read out loud together
Sing along to the radio
Any number of seemingly worthless activities – that in reality allow you to feel close to each other.

Ultimately – just spending time together will help you feel close. THAT makes for better sex when the time comes.

August 23 2016

Hot Summer Nights: It’s not about you

You’ve got to redefine what sex is for you. I think because it’s so satisfying, we treat our sexual needs like thirst or hunger.

But it’s really not like that at all.

Sex is meant to be something to help you bond with your spouse. You meet her needs, and she meets your needs.

As long as you keep her as your end result, you’ll keep her satisfied, and she’ll reciprocate.

Instead, we’ve allowed it to become selfish. Men that don’t satisfy their women is the punchline of way too many jokes… because it reflects a cold reality, that men are selfish in the bedroom.

Don’t be selfish – put her needs first. Do that, and you’ll get more than you can keep up with.

August 16 2016

Hot Summer Nights: Sex is not for sale

I understand sometimes, when you are going through a dry spell, you may think that it’s justified to look to other sources to fulfill your needs.

Somewhere along the line – we’ve decided that it’s okay to do this.

I contend that above all else – if you are taking care of your wife, if you are meeting her needs – not just in bed, but elsewhere – you won’t lack for loving.

But when I hear stories of men paying prostitutes for sex, it breaks my heart.

It’s not a commodity, and it’s not meant to be traded. It WILL destroy your life, and it will destroy your marriage. Not to mention the “someone’s daughter” that you’re tossing twenty dollar bills at… most prostitutes are not just an independent contractor – many are abused women who were sucked into this lifestyle before they were of legal age, and they want out. They want to be free, but essentially, they are enslaved.

While we’re on the topic – similar things could be said about the porn industry.
And like it or not – porn does destroy marriages.

Don’t want to take my word for it? Check out what “Manhood” author, former NFL player and Brooklyn 99 actor Terry Crews had to say earlier this year.