self help

August 29 2017

Understanding Gentlemen: Of Courtship and Flowerpicking

Of Courtship and Flowerpicking

TRIGGER WARNING: The following post contains old-fashioned ideas about relationships and sexuality. Don’t read if you can’t handle the fact that I might hold ideas that you think are outdated or prudish. Better yet, ready it anyway and give it some thought. The worst that can happen is you might be exposed to someone else’s viewpoint. Most likely, you’ll see that I’m a reasonable person.

Somewhere in our 50 Shades of Tinder and snapchat soaked generation of “thirsty” bros, we’ve completely abandoned some old school ideas that I think really matters.

Yes. I’m old fashioned. I’m okay with that. If you think differently than I do – I am not judging you, I’m not offended by you, and I won’t disrespect you.

I think sexuality should be reserved for marriage.

I think sexuality should be gentle, not degrading.

I think that dating shouldn’t be exclusive, and should have strings attached.
I think courtship, or “going steady” should be done carefully, and with the goal of marriage in mind.

I have a lot more old fashioned ideas about this. But I think this is enough to give you my framework.
When it comes to courtship and dating (and yes, there is a distinction between the two) there’s something a man must do. HIs toughness, wildness and strength is not TAMED by her – but rather, he is RESTRAINED for her.

He treats her gently, picks flowers for her, braids her hair, and as such, she sees in him the true beauty of his affection for her – his RESTRAINT.

If a man cares for a woman, treating her gently does not neuter him, does not tame him, does not make him any less tough – no – it’s a chance to prove his love by showing restraint.

I think that if he jumps the gun, and enters into a sexual relationship before the proper time (in my opinion, after marriage) then he demonstrates not restraint, but rather shows her his lack of self-control.

That same restraint is important in the bedroom after marriage as well. He reserves his sexuality only for her. He also continues to treat her gently.

Our porn-saturated culture has normalized the degrading of women during sex. I think that a true gentleman does not descend to calling a woman names, or inflicting pain during sex. That isn’t love, and shouldn’t be portrayed as such.

No matter the stage of your relationship – to be a gentleman, you must exercise self-control!

August 22 2017

Understanding Gentlemen: Courtesy and Kindness Go a long way

Courtesy and Kindness Go a long way

As men, we long to be known for our strength, or ruggedness. If we are not particularly strong, we may have shifted that to a desire to be known for our intellect or creativity. Either way, what each of us want, is supremacy. We want to be the best. We want to be the smartest. In fact, we often lie to ourselves very subtly, to tell ourselves that we are the best and most important person in the room. Even those who may take up the mantle to fight for the downtrodden seem to share this character trait. You see it from the Twitter feed of “social justice warriors” and even the old men swapping fish stories at the corner store over coffee. It’s human nature to put ourselves at the center of our own world.

A gentlemen shows a great that butts against this. Courtesy. Kindness.

To put someone else’s needs ahead of our own clashes with our own inner beast. And it often inspires the same response in others!

Let me challenge you directly, men. There are others who are smarter and stronger. And even those who are weaker and not as smart that need you to defer to them sometimes. They need you to step up and show kindness, politeness.

There are people that just need a smile, a laugh, a friend.

They might need you to offer a helping hand, or even make a sacrifice to help meet a bigger need.

I believe showing kindness goes against human nature, which is about self. Kindness though is built in is too… it’s built in because we are made in the image of God.
Let us never forget the kindness others have shown us, and let us live indebted to pay it forward in acts of love and service

August 15 2017

Understanding Gentlemen: Moderated Ferocity

Moderated Ferocity

Gentle should never mean weak.

Erase that image from your head, and make sure to erase it from the minds of those around you.

I’ll never forget wrestling with my father when I was a boy and even a young man. My dad had some military training, some martial arts training, and years of brawling and fighting behind him. He was stronger than any man I knew.

He definitely showed that strength while we rolled around in the living room floor. He could have crushed my head, snapped a bone, or really seriously hurt me. But he didn’t. He was gentle.

Being gentle is not being weak. It is moderating and controlling strength.

The Allegheny River flowed through our backyard. We were twenty miles from the source, so some would have called it a creek. A very deep swimming hole right on our backyard used to draw young people from town who wanted to cool off in the brown water.

Many of those young people were very disrespectful to my dad’s property, and to my dad himself. He would hear kids cussing or fighting, or catch kids littering or even driving or drugging, and would walk down the river and set them straight. I watched boys and girls day things to my dad that should have been greeted with a smack to the face. But he always kept his cool. He would very firmly ask them to leave. If his eyes got fiery, those kids would scatter. Once in awhile, a young man would need to be physically removed. Dad could have killed them. He never did.
That’s gentleness. That’s a gentleman.

August 8 2017

Understanding Gentlemen: Chivalry is not Chauvinism

Chivalry is not Chauvinism

Maybe it’s because chivalry and chauvinism both involve men and how they view women…. Maybe it’s because they both start with “ch”… But the meaning of chivalry is often mixed with chauvinism.

chiv·al·ry
ˈSHivəlrē/Submit
noun
the medieval knightly system with its religious, moral, and social code.
historical
knights, noblemen, and horsemen collectively.
“I fought against the cream of French chivalry”
the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, especially courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.
synonyms: knight errantry, courtly manners, knightliness, courtliness, nobility; bravery, courage, boldness, valor, heroism, daring, intrepidity; bushido
“the values of chivalry”

chau·vin·ism
ˈSHōvəˌnizəm/Submit
noun
exaggerated or aggressive patriotism.
“public opinion was easily moved to chauvinism and nationalism”
synonyms: jingoism, excessive patriotism, blind patriotism, excessive nationalism, sectarianism, isolationism, flag-waving; More
excessive or prejudiced loyalty or support for one’s own cause, group, or gender.
plural noun: chauvinisms
“a bastion of male chauvinism”
synonyms: jingoism, excessive patriotism, blind patriotism, excessive nationalism, sectarianism, isolationism, flag-waving; xenophobia, racism, ethnocentrism, ethnocentricity; partisanship, partiality, prejudice, bias, discrimination, bigotry; male chauvinism, antifeminism, misogyny, sexism
“they have a tendency toward small-mindedness and chauvinism”

I don’t know if anyone even realizes they have connected the two words. I think it happened unconsciously somewhere around the time of the cultural revolution of the 60s.

I’ll be clear… that revolution for some very good things for women. There were many ridiculous ideas about women and their worth. Truly “male chauvinistic” ideas.

To be a gentleman is to value things rightly. To honor and respect women.

That sounds like chivalry to me.

Offering to hold the door for a woman didn’t mean we think she is weak. It means we want to show her honor.

It is polite to hold the door open for people, right?

Gentlemen show manners not just because of social norms or old fashioned rules… rather, that politeness comes out of a drive to honor people, to value people.
I can’t say that it will be ready to separate the cultural associations between chauvinism and chivalry, but we should strive to model that we are men of honor.

August 1 2017

Understanding Gentlemen: What it means to be a gentleman

What it means to be a gentleman

The word gentleman has more connotations than it does definitions. It is important to clearly define what it means to be a gentleman, and to rid our minds of the mixed up messages we have often attached to the word.

I remember as a boy, well-meaning women teachers would use the word “gentlemen” to try to convince a class full of rowdy boys to sit still and be quiet.

Some boys, enthralled by the compliment of being referred to as “men” compiled. Most boys, offended at being called “gentle” didn’t comply.

I was often in the second category.

The word also conjures a cartoony picture of a gentlemen of the Victorian era, in suit and bow tie, with a monocle and his hair parted in the middle.

He is not Popeye, Fred Flintstone or Yosemite Sam. He isn’t heroic or strong. He responds to tough circumstances with fear, or at best, really bad boxing form.

To this charicature, being gentle means being week.

To be a gentleman is not about being proper or mannered, or pedigreed or less likely to fight.

To be a gentlemen means to have honor… we give things and people the proper value, and treat them in a way that shows honor to their value.

That means showing courtesy and politeness when it matters.

That means showing respect where it is due.

That means treating people with kindness, and in some cases tenderness.

It also means defending that honor when sometime shows dishonor.
To be a gentleman is a choice to live in a way that shows honor, and return then deserves honor.

July 28 2017

The Smell of Dog and Self-Deception

Have you ever been away on vacation and came home? You may take a deep breath and the pungent odor of dog hits your face, and you say, “Ewww! What’s that smell?”

You see, when you live with a dog, you get used to his smell. Your house smells like it. You can clean, and probably get rid of most of it. But it’s there. And you don’t notice it, because you smell it all the time. When people come to the house, they smell it. They just don’t say anything.

But when you come home, you smell it. Because it was there all along.

Honestly, when I first experienced this, I just wished my friends had told me that my house smelled like dog.

I recently penned a piece about self deception, and the importance of making sure that there are good friends around to to point out what you can’t see about yourself.

This is not easy to accept, that our own failings and shortcomings exist, and that they are holding us back.

It’s also not easy to accept criticism. There is a reason the most quoted Bible verse is “Judge not, lest you be judged.” No one likes to be called out.

“A man should be able to hear, and to bear, the worst that could be said of him.”
Saul Bellow

I’ve often said that a real friend tells you if you have a booger on your face.

Only you though, can wipe it off.

July 24 2017

Understanding Self deception and how it holds you back

As I pursue personal development and helping other men with their personal development, I like to read books, and often excerpts of books. I recently read a really interesting excerpt and “cliff notes” of a book called “Leadership and Self-deception.”

It’s a really challenging premise…. That YOU (or “I”) have a problem that is keeping us from leading well, or succeeding.

The biggest part of that problem is that we can’t see it. We have convinced ourselves that we don’t HAVE a problem. That other people are the problem. We have convinced ourselves that we are doing well, when sometimes, often, we are not performing anywhere NEAR our potential.

The book contends that while many problems we might be able to self identify… Self deception keeps us from really seeing many of our issues clearly.

I think the solution is to make sure there are people in your life that you trust that can challenge you, ask you the hard questions, and tell you the truth. A good friend, mentor or leader can do it in a way that doesn’t heap shame, but rather brings the encouragement to change and grow.

Unfortunately, these are often the people that we avoid. No one wants to hear they are failing. No one wants to be called out. No one likes hearing about their failures, or being told the things they believe about themselves is a lie.

I’m here to tell you, there are times in my life that I have listened to those friends and mentors, saw my flaws and dealt with them. There are also times I pushed people away or isolated myself and didn’t listen to feedback from others.

I know that the end result of listening to others was growth in my life. It transformed the way I think and the way I performed.

I know that isolation only amplified my problems. In fact, in those times that I have been separate from those relationships, these are the times that I’ve had the worst failures in my life.

Wherever you find yourself, in failure or success, we are equally in need of honest feedback. You may find you aren’t doing as well as you think you are, or find more ways to make things better.

But as long as we build up our tolerance to our own baloney, we well be oblivious to the places we need to improve.

July 20 2017

The Forge Men’s Weekend

Join us for THE FORGE: Men’s Weekend August 18-20th in the heart of the PA Wilds in McKean County Pennsylvania!

It’s time to us men to fan the flames, and shape our lives to be stronger, bolder, wiser, and better connected with a brotherhood of men.

We’ll be staying at the Kinzua Retreat Center in the Allegany National Forest, we’ll eat great food, engage in some team building activities.

You can expect:
Fun Campfires
Powerful Conversations
Engaging Workshops
A Rustic and Beautiful Place to Stay
Breathtaking Views of Nature
The Start of Life Changing Friendships

For only $55

FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THE FORGE MEN’S WEEKEND!

July 18 2017

On the Side: Making Extra Money – Part 3

Sell Everything

Dave Ramsey talks about getting out of debt by selling everything that isn’t nailed down.
Debt might not be your rationale about making more money, but there are certainly ways you could turn the junk sitting around your house into extra cash.

1. Facebook – Sell in local garage sale groups / Facebook Marketplace
2. Online Selling Apps – there are a number of apps for selling. Letgo, VarageSale, and more.

Craigslist or other local classified sites
Ebay / Amazon – This takes a little more skill, but you can make money selling your junk on these sites.

This doesn’t include an old fashioned garage sale. Just put it out on a table and toss a price sticker on it. If it is sitting around unused, why not liquidate it, and put that cash back into what you need?

July 11 2017

On the Side: Making Extra Money – Part 2

Monetize your hobby

Growing up, my father had a hobby that paid. He was a professional birthday clown. He still is, though he has slowed down these days.

Dad was passionate about clowning, and learned the skill well. He practiced making balloons and telling jokes and simple magic tricks. I would come home from school to a house full of animal balloons, while he worked on new designs.

For dad, clowning was fun. But it also gave extra cash for the family. He would often pick us up after a job and take us out for dinner (still dressed in his clown suit.)

Your hobby most likely isn’t clowning, but I have to ask, are you able to monetize it?

Many hobbies, golf, shooting, four wheeling, etc, may cost quite a bit for men to participate. That doesn’t mean they are worthless hobbies! If you enjoy it and it adds value to your life, that’s fine! But I do want you to consider how you can create a hobby that can make money.

Do you like to make things? Wood Furniture, Leatherworking, Paracord Bracelets

Do you like to create? Painting, Graphic Design, Music,

Do you like to work outside? Landscaping, Gardening, Carpentry

Any number of hobbies could be turned into a way to make a little money. If you like golf, and are good at it – you could teach a course, or coach a student club! If you like hiking orhunting, you could take the inexperienced out to explore.

Take a minute in the comments to tell me what your hobby is, and we can discuss how you can monetize it!