According to Oxford University Press (OUP), publishers behind the Oxford English Dictionary, the slang term refers to a type of behavior which is “unapologetically self-indulgent, lazy, slovenly, or greedy, typically in a way that rejects social norms or expectations” – traits that may have become familiar to many during lockdown.
Personal Development for Men
At Manlihood, we’re about helping men become better men. That means we focus a lot on personal development for men. We encourage men to help lift each other up, and challenge each other to become better. That’s truly how we defeat goblin mode.
You don’t want to be a goblin
Neither do I! We shouldn’t be content do descend into the laziest, sloppiest, most self-serving versions of ourselves. To break the cycle, we have to commit to a plan of personal development, and commit to relationships with other men who call us higher.
If you don’t want to be a goblin – and want to break out of goblin mode…
Then shoot me a message at mail@joshhatcher.com I’d love to help you break out of Goblin Mode in 2023.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about what it means to be a gentleman.
What it means to be a gentleman
The word gentleman has more connotations than it does definitions. It is important to clearly define what it means to be a gentleman, and to rid our minds of the mixed up messages we have often attached to the word.
I remember as a boy, well-meaning women teachers would use the word “gentlemen” to try to convince a class full of rowdy boys to sit still and be quiet.
Some boys, enthralled by the compliment of being referred to as “men” compiled. Most boys, offended at being called “gentle” didn’t comply.
I was often in the second category.
The word also conjures a cartoonish picture of a gentlemen of the Victorian era, in suit and bow tie, with a monocle and his hair parted in the middle.
He is not Popeye, Fred Flintstone or Yosemite Sam. He isn’t heroic or strong. He responds to tough circumstances with fear, or at best, really bad boxing form.
To this caricature, being gentle means being week.
To be a gentleman is not about being proper or mannered, or pedigreed or less likely to fight.
To be a gentlemen means to have honor… we give things and people the proper value, and treat them in a way that shows honor to their value.
That means showing courtesy and politeness when it matters.
That means showing respect where it is due.
That means treating people with kindness, and in some cases tenderness.
It also means defending that honor when sometime shows dishonor.
To be a gentleman is a choice to live in a way that shows honor, and return then deserves honor.
Chivalry is not Chauvinism
Maybe it’s because chivalry and chauvinism both involve men and how they view women…. Maybe it’s because they both start with “ch”… But the meaning of chivalry is often mixed with chauvinism.
chiv·al·ry
the medieval knightly system with its religious, moral, and social code.
knights, noblemen, and horsemen collectively.
the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, especially courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.
Chau·vin·ism
exaggerated or aggressive patriotism.
excessive or prejudiced loyalty or support for one’s own cause, group, or gender.
I don’t know if anyone even realizes they have connected the two words. I think it happened unconsciously somewhere around the time of the cultural revolution of the 60s.
I’ll be clear… that revolution for some very good things for women. There were many ridiculous ideas about women and their worth. Truly “male chauvinistic” ideas.
To be a gentleman is to value things rightly. To honor and respect women.
That sounds like chivalry to me.
Offering to hold the door for a woman didn’t mean we think she is weak. It means we want to show her honor.
It is polite to hold the door open for people, right?
Gentlemen show manners not just because of social norms or old fashioned rules… rather, that politeness comes out of a drive to honor people, to value people.
I can’t say that it will be ready to separate the cultural associations between chauvinism and chivalry, but we should strive to model that we are men of honor.
Moderated Ferocity
Gentle should never mean weak.
Erase that image from your head, and make sure to erase it from the minds of those around you.
I’ll never forget wrestling with my father when I was a boy and even a young man. My dad had some military training, some martial arts training, and years of brawling and fighting behind him. He was stronger than any man I knew.
He definitely showed that strength while we rolled around in the living room floor. He could have crushed my head, snapped a bone, or really seriously hurt me. But he didn’t. He was gentle.
Being gentle is not being weak. It is moderating and controlling strength.
The Allegheny River flowed through our backyard. We were twenty miles from the source, so some would have called it a creek. A very deep swimming hole right on our backyard used to draw young people from town who wanted to cool off in the brown water.
Many of those young people were very disrespectful to my dad’s property, and to my dad himself. He would hear kids cussing or fighting, or catch kids littering or even driving or drugging, and would walk down the river and set them straight. I watched boys and girls day things to my dad that should have been greeted with a smack to the face. But he always kept his cool. He would very firmly ask them to leave. If his eyes got fiery, those kids would scatter. Once in awhile, a young man would need to be physically removed. Dad had the strength and knowledge to cause serious harm. He never did.
That’s gentleness. That’s a gentleman. In control of his strength.
Courtesy and Kindness Go a long way
As men, we long to be known for our strength, or ruggedness. If we are not particularly strong, we may have shifted that to a desire to be known for our intellect or creativity. Either way, what each of us want, is supremacy. We want to be the best. We want to be the smartest. In fact, we often lie to ourselves very subtly, to tell ourselves that we are the best and most important person in the room. Even those who may take up the mantle to fight for the downtrodden seem to share this character trait. You see it from the Twitter feed of “social justice warriors” and even the old men swapping fish stories at the corner store over coffee. It’s human nature to put ourselves at the center of our own world.
A gentlemen shows a great that butts against this. Courtesy. Kindness.
To put someone else’s needs ahead of our own clashes with our own inner beast. And it often inspires the same response in others!
Let me challenge you directly, men. There are others who are smarter and stronger. And even those who are weaker and not as smart that need you to defer to them sometimes. They need you to step up and show kindness, politeness.
There are people that just need a smile, a laugh, a friend.
They might need you to offer a helping hand, or even make a sacrifice to help meet a bigger need.
I believe showing kindness goes against human nature, which is about self. Kindness though is built in is too… it’s built in because we are made in the image of God.
Let us never forget the kindness others have shown us, and let us live indebted to pay it forward in acts of love and service
Of Courtship and Flowerpicking
TRIGGER WARNING: I’m about to talk about old-fashioned ideas about relationships and sexuality. Don’t listen if you can’t handle the fact that I might hold ideas that you think are outdated or prudish. Better yet, listen anyway and give it some thought. The worst that can happen is you might be exposed to someone else’s viewpoint. Most likely, you’ll see that I’m a reasonable person.
Somewhere in our 50 Shades of Tinder and snapchat soaked generation of “thirsty” bros, we’ve completely abandoned some old school ideas that I think really matters.
Yes. I’m old fashioned. I’m okay with that. If you think differently than I do – I am not judging you, I’m not offended by you, and I won’t disrespect you.
I think sexuality should be reserved for marriage.
I think sexuality should be gentle, not degrading.
I think that dating shouldn’t be exclusive, and should have strings attached.
I think courtship, or “going steady” should be done carefully, and with the goal of marriage in mind.
I have a lot more old fashioned ideas about this. But I think this is enough to give you my framework.
When it comes to courtship and dating (and yes, there is a distinction between the two) there’s something a man must do. HIs toughness, wildness and strength is not TAMED by her – but rather, he is RESTRAINED for her.
He treats her gently, picks flowers for her, braids her hair, and as such, she sees in him the true beauty of his affection for her – his RESTRAINT.
If a man cares for a woman, treating her gently does not neuter him, does not tame him, does not make him any less tough – no – it’s a chance to prove his love by showing restraint.
I think that if he jumps the gun, and enters into a sexual relationship before the proper time (in my opinion, after marriage) then he demonstrates not restraint, but rather shows her his lack of self-control.
That same restraint is important in the bedroom after marriage as well. He reserves his sexuality only for her. He also continues to treat her gently.
Our porn-saturated culture has normalized the degrading of women during sex. I think that a true gentleman does not descend to calling a woman names, or inflicting pain during sex. That isn’t love, and shouldn’t be portrayed as such.
No matter the stage of your relationship – to be a gentleman, you must exercise self-control!
Remember, men, gentle does not mean weak. To be a gentleman means to be a man in control of himself.
We decided to run with a creepy halloween thing as we talk about personal development for men this month. Blood and Guts may sound creepy – but let’s turn it around and talk about the offal and innards from a completely different perspective.
Blood has been thought of as sacred since the first moment someone nicked their finger and saw the dark red fluid flow out of it. It carries life – and has inspired mythology, religion, folklore, and storytellers to view it as a mystical and powerful force. Your heart pumps blood through your veins – and it moves all through your body. Let’s use this metaphor to ask a couple of personal development questions,men. We often call our emotional center our “heart.” And if the physical heart pumps blood through your veins – what is the emotional force that the figurative heart pumps through your veins? PASSION. So for the sake of analogy – think of PASSION as BLOOD. In every man, there is a passion that drive him. Even the tired and weak man has that passion pumping through him – though he may have a weak pulse, or low blood pressure. But the best men are those that have harnessed and trained their body to work with their flowing passion to get things accomplished. What are you passionate about? What drives you? What passion flows in your veins? Take some time to identify the things you are passionate about. Then find a way to embrace and strengthen and train yourself – like an athelete – a finely tuned machine to use them to the best of your ability.
We decided to run with a creepy halloween thing as we talk about personal development for men this month. Blood and Guts may sound creepy – but let’s turn it around and talk about the offal and innards from a completely different perspective.
Testicals are gross. When you really think about how they work, they’re awesome, and they are gross. All you have to do is imagine Anthony Bourdain as he travels around the world, and inevitably, someone will serve him a dish of testicals from some native species, and he always says, “It tastes like balls. They always taste the same.”
We often describe someone with GUTS or GRIT as having “intestinal fortitude”- I like to joke that someone with BALLS has “testicular fortitude.” Let’s explore that. First of all, I’ve known women with more testicular fortitude than you can imagine – so I don’t mean to identify courage, strength, and honor solely with masculine specific parts, but I want to emphasize that there should be a correlation to having ACTUAL testicals and having BALLS. I always thought that my brother had the most testicular fortitude of anyone that I knew. The kid was fearless. I watched him surf down a hill of crumbling shale on a big chunk of flagstone. It flipped over and took a chunk out of his hand. He bled and cried a bit, but it was worth it to have that kind of adventure. Another time he got in a bicycle accident that ended up with him getting hit in the testicles. The doctor told him not to ride his bike for awhile. That night, after icing down his sore gonads, he climbed to the top of the swingset and started walking it like a tightrope. That was his behavior as a kid – he does show a little more responsibility as an adult, but he certainly hasn’t suffered from any “shrinkage” of testicular fortitude. Why is it that we settle for lives of comfort and safety? Why do we NOT say or do the things that should be said or done? Why are we content to watch adventures on television, or to play adventures on playstations instead of having the real thing? Why are we okay with expecting other people to protect us, and not preparing to protect ourselves? Why do we minimize risk and then complain about the little return that we receive? We are men in need of testicular fortitude.
Are you NOT a man of courage? Do you feel you DON’T have the balls you need? It starts by making a goal for yourself, and then doing it. Courage is a muscle – and you have to exercise it.
Start by picking something that you didn’t think you could do – and then just do it.
A few weeks ago – I walked 15 miles in one day…. something I never thought I could do!
Maybe it’s an adventure sport, or just an adventure!
Maybe it’s a fitness goal – or asking a girl on a date.
Just start building that courage by taking small steps until those steps get bigger and bigger and build confidence.
We decided to run with a creepy halloween thing as we talk about personal development for men this month. Blood and Guts may sound creepy – but let’s turn it around and talk about the offal and innards from a completely different perspective.
I tell people frequently that this isn’t a Christian blog. I’m a Christian though – and I find deep meaning in the teachings of Jesus. I never want anyone to think I’m forcing religion on them, but I do want people to think about the truths that are in the Bible – because no matter what you believe about it – there really is great truth in those pages. One of these truths involves plucking out eyeballs.
Matthew 18: 7Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to stumble! Such things must come, but woe to the person through whom they come!8If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire.9And if your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.
The truth here is this… if we are committed to be better men – there are things we must stop doing. Mindsets we must change, behaviours we must modify. Some of those things are easy to stop- others take extreme action. If you want to stop a behaviour, you need to do whatever it takes to stop it. Most people that want to quit drinking, for example, aren’t willing to pour all the booze in the house down the drain, aren’t willing to stop hanging out in social situations with drinking, and aren’t willing to get checked in and get professional help. So they often don’t stop drinking. Most people that want to stop looking at porn aren’t willing to change the way they use their computers, to install accountability software, to talk to their wife about it, or to sell their smartphone and get a flip phone. Most people who need to lose weight aren’t willing to stop eating pizza everyday, to put in countless hours of exercise, and to make drastic lifestyle changes. If we want to defeat our bad behaviour – we have to take extreme and drastic changes… the “plucking of the eyeballs” or the “cutting off of the hand.”
We decided to run with a creepy halloween thing as we talk about personal development for men this month. Blood and Guts may sound creepy – but let’s turn it around and talk about the offal and innards from a completely different perspective.
In the movie Apocalypto, directed by Mel Gibson, a young Mayan man is set to be slaughtered. The Mayans believed that a bloody human sacrifice was required of their gods to bring favor on their land. After all – while the brutality was in practice, their kingdom thrived! In their brutal and twisted minds – it made sense! Of course we know that killing innocents as an act of sacrifice to the gods is not a good thing. But our culture is built on sacrifice – and I contend that it’s a cornerstone of manlihood for a man to be willing to lay down his life. When a man swears an oath to his country, as a soldier, a police officer, a firefighter, etc – he pledges to serve the greater good at a great personal cost. In order for him to serve, his life may be required of him. They all know this – and yet they agree to serve. We may not all be heroes, signing or name in blood with an oath to serve and protect – but we should all strive to live our lives in a way that reflect some of that courage. Sometimes a commitment to sacrifice doesn’t mean death – sometimes it means going without to provide for our children. Sometimes it means doing the right thing, when it costs us dearly to do so. Sometimes it means standing up to defend against wrongdoing around us. Are you willing to give your life, or part of your life to the service of others? Are you willing to put yourself second, to put your needs behind the needs of others? Are you willing to charge in to danger to help another in need?
TRIGGER WARNING: The following post contains old-fashioned ideas about relationships and sexuality. Don’t read if you can’t handle the fact that I might hold ideas that you think are outdated or prudish. Better yet, ready it anyway and give it some thought. The worst that can happen is you might be exposed to someone else’s viewpoint. Most likely, you’ll see that I’m a reasonable person.
Somewhere in our 50 Shades of Tinder and snapchat soaked generation of “thirsty” bros, we’ve completely abandoned some old school ideas that I think really matters.
Yes. I’m old fashioned. I’m okay with that. If you think differently than I do – I am not judging you, I’m not offended by you, and I won’t disrespect you. I think sexuality should be reserved for marriage.
I think sexuality should be gentle, not degrading.
I think that dating shouldn’t be exclusive, and should have strings attached. I think courtship, or “going steady” should be done carefully, and with the goal of marriage in mind.
I have a lot more old fashioned ideas about this. But I think this is enough to give you my framework. When it comes to courtship and dating (and yes, there is a distinction between the two) there’s something a man must do. HIs toughness, wildness and strength is not TAMED by her – but rather, he is RESTRAINED for her. He treats her gently, picks flowers for her, braids her hair, and as such, she sees in him the true beauty of his affection for her – his RESTRAINT. If a man cares for a woman, treating her gently does not neuter him, does not tame him, does not make him any less tough – no – it’s a chance to prove his love by showing restraint. I think that if he jumps the gun, and enters into a sexual relationship before the proper time (in my opinion, after marriage) then he demonstrates not restraint, but rather shows her his lack of self-control. That same restraint is important in the bedroom after marriage as well. He reserves his sexuality only for her. He also continues to treat her gently. Our porn-saturated culture has normalized the degrading of women during sex. I think that a true gentleman does not descend to calling a woman names, or inflicting pain during sex. That isn’t love, and shouldn’t be portrayed as such. No matter the stage of your relationship – to be a gentleman, you must exercise self-control!
As men, we long to be known for our strength, or ruggedness. If we are not particularly strong, we may have shifted that to a desire to be known for our intellect or creativity. Either way, what each of us want, is supremacy. We want to be the best. We want to be the smartest. In fact, we often lie to ourselves very subtly, to tell ourselves that we are the best and most important person in the room. Even those who may take up the mantle to fight for the downtrodden seem to share this character trait. You see it from the Twitter feed of “social justice warriors” and even the old men swapping fish stories at the corner store over coffee. It’s human nature to put ourselves at the center of our own world.
A gentlemen shows a great that butts against this. Courtesy. Kindness.
To put someone else’s needs ahead of our own clashes with our own inner beast. And it often inspires the same response in others!
Let me challenge you directly, men. There are others who are smarter and stronger. And even those who are weaker and not as smart that need you to defer to them sometimes. They need you to step up and show kindness, politeness.
There are people that just need a smile, a laugh, a friend.
They might need you to offer a helping hand, or even make a sacrifice to help meet a bigger need.
I believe showing kindness goes against human nature, which is about self. Kindness though is built in is too… it’s built in because we are made in the image of God. Let us never forget the kindness others have shown us, and let us live indebted to pay it forward in acts of love and service
Erase that image from your head, and make sure to erase it from the minds of those around you.
I’ll never forget wrestling with my father when I was a boy and even a young man. My dad had some military training, some martial arts training, and years of brawling and fighting behind him. He was stronger than any man I knew.
He definitely showed that strength while we rolled around in the living room floor. He could have crushed my head, snapped a bone, or really seriously hurt me. But he didn’t. He was gentle.
Being gentle is not being weak. It is moderating and controlling strength.
The Allegheny River flowed through our backyard. We were twenty miles from the source, so some would have called it a creek. A very deep swimming hole right on our backyard used to draw young people from town who wanted to cool off in the brown water.
Many of those young people were very disrespectful to my dad’s property, and to my dad himself. He would hear kids cussing or fighting, or catch kids littering or even driving or drugging, and would walk down the river and set them straight. I watched boys and girls day things to my dad that should have been greeted with a smack to the face. But he always kept his cool. He would very firmly ask them to leave. If his eyes got fiery, those kids would scatter. Once in awhile, a young man would need to be physically removed. Dad could have killed them. He never did. That’s gentleness. That’s a gentleman.
Maybe it’s because chivalry and chauvinism both involve men and how they view women…. Maybe it’s because they both start with “ch”… But the meaning of chivalry is often mixed with chauvinism.
chiv·al·ry ˈSHivəlrē/Submit noun the medieval knightly system with its religious, moral, and social code. historical knights, noblemen, and horsemen collectively. “I fought against the cream of French chivalry” the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, especially courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak. synonyms:knight errantry, courtly manners, knightliness, courtliness, nobility; bravery, courage, boldness, valor, heroism, daring, intrepidity; bushido “the values of chivalry”
chau·vin·ism ˈSHōvəˌnizəm/Submit noun exaggerated or aggressive patriotism. “public opinion was easily moved to chauvinism and nationalism” synonyms:jingoism, excessive patriotism, blind patriotism, excessive nationalism, sectarianism, isolationism, flag-waving; More excessive or prejudiced loyalty or support for one’s own cause, group, or gender. plural noun: chauvinisms “a bastion of male chauvinism” synonyms:jingoism, excessive patriotism, blind patriotism, excessive nationalism, sectarianism, isolationism, flag-waving; xenophobia, racism, ethnocentrism, ethnocentricity; partisanship, partiality, prejudice, bias, discrimination, bigotry; male chauvinism, antifeminism, misogyny, sexism “they have a tendency toward small-mindedness and chauvinism”
I don’t know if anyone even realizes they have connected the two words. I think it happened unconsciously somewhere around the time of the cultural revolution of the 60s.
I’ll be clear… that revolution for some very good things for women. There were many ridiculous ideas about women and their worth. Truly “male chauvinistic” ideas.
To be a gentleman is to value things rightly. To honor and respect women.
That sounds like chivalry to me.
Offering to hold the door for a woman didn’t mean we think she is weak. It means we want to show her honor.
It is polite to hold the door open for people, right?
Gentlemen show manners not just because of social norms or old fashioned rules… rather, that politeness comes out of a drive to honor people, to value people. I can’t say that it will be ready to separate the cultural associations between chauvinism and chivalry, but we should strive to model that we are men of honor.
