Ask A Man is our weekly Advice Column, where we’ll collect your questions, and get responses from other coaches, counselors, experts, and guys like you.
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In November 2020, Josh Hatcher spoke at Open Arms Church in Bradford, PA as a part of their “By Design” series. He spoke about God’s Design for men. Below are Josh’s sermon notes.
Manliness isn’t defined by outside appearance.
Manhood isn’t just one thing. God made men with different strengths and different traits. Don’t just write yourself off as “Not Manly” because you’re different than someone else.
Women – don’t tune me out. A lot of the things I’m saying today apply to both men and women. A lot of the things I’m saying specifically ABOUT men will help you understand how to relate to men better.
But for the most part – I’m speaking to the MEN today.
God made men. And he said it was good. We learned last week that what was not good was that he was alone.
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Genesis 2: 18
In the King James, it says “a help meet for him.” That means “equal to him.”
Men and women both have value. Equal Value. We were made distinctly and for a purpose. God’s purpose.
But, generally speaking, Men are VERY different than women. There are things in our DNA that are hard-coded, because God made men the way we are on purpose.
Ryan Michler says: Men are created to Protect, Provide, and Preside.
Protect:
We are made in God’s image right? God is a protector! He commands us to protect the widow, the orphan, the refugee…
… When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.
Luke 12:48 NIV
This is not a series about marriage – but many of the bible’s instructions for men are within the context of a marriage relationship. I’m not saying we should treat all women like we treat our wives… certainly not. But I think God’s instructions for how we are to treat our wives gives us a glimpse into what it means to be a man.
In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.
1 Peter 3: 7 NIV
Some translations say “weaker vessel” – Do not mistake “weaker” for “lesser.”
Because a man is generally stronger than a woman – he should view her not as delicate – but as precious.
A woman is a Ming Vase. A Ming Vase isn’t weak – it’s survived for thousands of years. But it is precious. We treat it with the honor and respect that it is due.
We see all through scripture commands regarding how we should treat women and children, and those who are “weaker.”
The root word “weaker” here is also used in Corinthians to describe the fact that God will use the “weaker” things to confound the wise. (weaker does not mean lesser)
“A man of honor values things rightly.” – Chuck Holton, Making Men
Our job as men is to give things the right amount of honor. Cussing out your kid because he interrupted your kill shot in Call of Duty – is that placing the proper value on the right thing? Watching porn – now that you KNOW that the women in porn are often exploited and forced into that industry.. Is that placing the value on the right thing? Turning a blind eye to injustice…. Is that valuing things rightly? WE ARE MADE TO PROTECT.
PROVIDE
Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
1 Timothy 5:8 NIV
Don’t you remember the rule we had when we lived with you? “If you don’t work, you don’t eat.” And now we’re getting reports that a bunch of lazy good-for-nothings are taking advantage of you. This must not be tolerated. We command them to get to work immediately—no excuses, no arguments—and earn their own keep. Friends, don’t slack off in doing your duty.
2 Thessalonians 3:10
Butthurt Disclaimers for you — Just because your wife makes more than you does not mean you are less of a man. — If you are disabled and can’t work to provide for yourself I’m not condemning you or judging your situation – what CAN you do to contribute to your family and community?
Your job is to make sure that God’s provision gets to your family.
Your job is to not be a mooch, and to earn your keep.
I’m not shaming needy people. I understand what it’s like to need help. But I am saying – your goal should be able to provide for your own needs and the needs of your family.
It must suck to have to pay child support. It must really suck to be a kid whose dad resents taking care of him.
Preside: RULE
Men are called to walk in AUTHORITY and LEADERSHIP, in their homes, jobs, communities, churches.
Let’s talk about what this is not:
…Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you.
Genesis 3:16(b)
This is NOT a command for men’s authority. This is the curse. (Story about a little kid getting caught with chewing tobacco. Dad says, if you’re gonna chew it – you better chew all of it. Kid gets sick and pukes. Is the PUKE what God wants?)
Don’t confuse the curse for a special privilege for us men. It is not: “Eve screwed up, now I’m the Boss.”
This is about the consequences of sin. There will be tension and contention between men and women because of sin. That’s not the blessing. That’s the curse.
While we’re here – let’s talk about Adam’s ROLE in the fall. Where was he? Why did he let her eat of the fruit? Why did he LISTEN to her when she said to eat it?
Adam ABDICATED his responsibility. If he had done his job, Eve might not have sinned. When she did – he BLAMED her. He BLAMED God.
This is not what leadership is. In fact –
Leadership is RESPONSIBILITY.
If someone in your family screws up, you’re responsible to make it right.
Leadership is about SERVICE.
“You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 26 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— 28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
Matthew 20:25-28 NIV
Leadership is NOT Lordship.
Nor is it exclusive to men. You don’t have to be “the boss” to be a leader. And in your homes – while I do believe there is a biblical order in which the father and husband has authority – this does not mean that women are not leaders! –
If we look at the Bible’s picture of the ideal woman in Proverbs 31 – it’s very clear that a woman has leadership too. We lead together.
But as a man – I bear more responsibility.
Be strong, and let us fight bravely for our people and the cities of our God. The Lord will do what is good in his sight.”
2 Samuel 10:12 NIV
The King James Version says: “Be of good courage, and let us play the men for our people”
In this episode of the Manlihood ManCast, Josh Hatcher talks about Thanksgiving, and the transforming power of gratitude.
Thankfulness changes YOU.
“Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.” –
Brian Tracy
Thankfulness changes OTHERS.
“The way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.”
-Charles Schwab
Gratitude is a cure-all.
“We would worry less if we praised more. Thanksgiving is the enemy of discontent and dissatisfaction.”
-H.A. Ironside
“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.”
-Melody Beattie
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Get REIGNITE: A MAN’S FIELD GUIDE TO TAKING BACK HIS LIFE
In this episode of the Manlihood ManCast, Josh Hatcher talks about a few different V Words that are important for men to understand. Some we need to embrace, some we need to reject.
Validation
We all want validation. We all want someone to give us that validation or respect. But ultimately, we have to give it to ourselves.
Vigilance
We have to be ever vigilant, we need to be aware of what’s going on around us. Vigilant against threats internal and external.
Vengeance
Vengeance is destructive. We need to avoid this. Justice is good. Reconciliation is good. Vengeance is destructive.
Victimhood
We’re living in a time where being a victim is almost revered.
Victory
We all want to win. We want to be victorious. It’s good for us to run the race to win it. It’s good to celebrate the wins.
Virtue
The virtuous life is a life that is guided by principle. We do the right thing. Don’t virtue signal. Just have virtue.
In this episode of the Manlihood ManCast, Josh Hatcher talks about avoiding the butthurt. How can we man-the-heck-up and face our circumstances without getting our feelings hurt?
Resilience is when a man can bounce back after something hurts, rather than to stay down.
Karma comes back to those who do wrong.
Including you. Is this trouble your own fault?
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Learning to differentiate whether something SHOULD offend you or not will be one of the most valuable skills you acquire in life.
In the movie Apocalypto, directed by Mel Gibson, a young Mayan man is set to be slaughtered.
The Mayans believed that a bloody human sacrifice was required of their gods to bring favor on their land. After all – while the brutality was in practice, their kingdom thrived! In their brutal and twisted minds – it made sense!
Of course we know that killing innocents as an act of sacrifice to the gods is not a good thing.
But our culture is built on sacrifice – and I contend that it’s a cornerstone of manlihood for a man to be willing to lay down his life.
When a man swears an oath to his country, as a soldier, a police officer, a firefighter, etc – he pledges to serve the greater good at a great personal cost. In order for him to serve, his life may be required of him. They all know this – and yet they agree to serve.
We may not all be heroes, signing or name in blood with an oath to serve and protect – but we should all strive to live our lives in a way that reflect some of that courage.
Sometimes a commitment to sacrifice doesn’t mean death – sometimes it means going without to provide for our children. Sometimes it means doing the right thing, when it costs us dearly to do so. Sometimes it means standing up to defend against wrongdoing around us.
Are you willing to give your life, or part of your life to the service of others?
Are you willing to put yourself second, to put your needs behind the needs of others? Are you willing to charge in to danger to help another in need?
I tell people frequently that this isn’t a Christian blog. I’m a Christian though – and I find deep meaning in the teachings of Jesus. I never want anyone to think I’m forcing religion on them, but I do want people to think about the truths that are in the Bible – because no matter what you believe about it – there really is great truth in those pages.
One of these truths involves plucking out eyeballs.
Matthew 18: 7Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to stumble! Such things must come, but woe to the person through whom they come! 8If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. 9And if your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.
The truth here is this… if we are committed to be better men – there are things we must stop doing. Mindsets we must change, behaviors we must modify.
Some of those things are easy to stop- others take extreme action. If you want to stop a behaviour, you need to do whatever it takes to stop it.
Most people that want to quit drinking, for example, aren’t willing to pour all the booze in the house down the drain, aren’t willing to stop hanging out in social situations with drinking, and aren’t willing to get checked in and get professional help. So they often don’t stop drinking.
Most people that want to stop looking at porn aren’t willing to change the way they use their computers, to install accountability software, to talk to their wife about it, or to sell their smartphone and get a flip phone.
Most people who need to lose weight aren’t willing to stop eating pizza everyday, to put in countless hours of exercise, and to make drastic lifestyle changes.
If we want to defeat our bad behavior – we have to take extreme and drastic changes… the “plucking of the eyeballs” or the “cutting off of the hand.”
