https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like the guy in this video. Women are a mystery. I know it may be overgeneralization to say this – so apply whatever amount of common sense is needed to understand it. Women don’t want you to fix their problem, as much as they want to feel understood, acknowledged, or listened to. There are times, obviously, when what she really wants is for you to fix the drain under the kitchen sink. But there are many times, she just needs to air her grievances to her best friend. She doesn’t want you to solve or fix the problem, but to listen to her. This is hard for us. Men are fixers. It’s in our nature as men to find broken things and fix them. Women do want things to be fixed. But more importantly, they just want to be heard, understood, loved, accepted. It may seem counter-intuitive and self-sabotaging to sit in that situation, where she pours her heart out, and you just listen.
You would not think that it is difficult, but learning to listen has been one of the toughest challenges of my relationship with my wife. I’ve always got a solution, and answer, a suggestion. Keeping those quiet long enough to fulfill her actual need, though, the need to be heard and understood – that’s the real challenge.
This, is perhaps the hardest part of love. Men, we see ourselves as leaders. (Which isn’t a bad thing. We’ll get to leadership, and what that means in a minute.) We see ourselves as lovers, we see ourselves in so many ways, but picturing ourselves as servants is so difficult. The truth? No matter where you are in live, you’re a servant to someone. To quote, Bob Dylan, “You’re gonna have to serve somebody. It may be the Devil, it may be the Lord, but you’re gonna have to serve somebody.” In the case of marriage, you’re either serving yourself, or you are serving her. Are you helping her with chores around the house? Are you providing for her needs? Are you doing things that help her? Are you making sure to please her first in the bedroom? (C’mon guys. You know that matters!) If you want a happy wife, you’ve got to take on the role of a servant. It will make you a great husband. A happy husband. And if you do it well, and if you do it right, she’ll reciprocate. Everybody can be great…because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love. ― Martin Luther King Jr.
How well do you know her? I know that now that my wife and I are approaching the time in our life when we’ve been together longer than apart, I know her well. Very well. I can walk in the room, and without a word, I can tell what she’s thinking, or how she’s feeling. (Not always, of course – women, after all, are always mysterious and surprising sometimes.) As we get older, this relationship changes and morphs. It’s not just physical or emotional. It’s spiritual. I am not saying we are a perfect example – we frustrate each other and annoy each other all the time. But I can tell you that for almost 20 years, I’ve studied her. When we were dating – we started out asking each other questions. When we were engaged, we read books together about marriage -and went through THREE different premarital counseling courses. We knew we were getting married young and making what everyone else thought was a bad decision – so we wanted to make sure we were well equipped to face it. So we started off with a really strong foundation. As we have progressed in our relationship – I’ve always tried to be attentive to her. She thinks I don’t pay attention – but I do. Sometimes I choose NOT to do the thing that she wants me to do – for any number of reasons. But in general, I want to KNOW this woman I married. In the bedroom, I know what she likes. In the kitchen, I know what she likes. If you want to know how to study and learn your wife, I highly recommend you read the book “The 5 Love Languages” as a starting place. It breaks down the different ways that people love, and it will help you understand her, and how to communicate with her.
Balance the Old Fashioned ways with freedom and respect.
Sometime during the last cultural revolution, a number of ancient truths have been tossed aside. Losing some old and antiquated ideas may have been good for our culture in some ways- but in others, we’ve lost some of the ancient wisdom that held our society together. Marriage may seem like an old fashioned idea. I’ve heard it described as “a contract for female slavery” and “a ridiculous old fashioned idea.” I want to make it clear that I’m admittedly old fashioned about this. I’m proud of it and unapologetic. That doesn’t mean I’m judgmental of those who do things differently. But I firmly believe that while marriage is old fashioned, it’s also not meant to place women in a lower or lesser place. Marriage is meant to be a union of two people. Do I think there is a natural authority of husband and father in a home? Yes. But that authority and leadership does not imply inequality. If you want to love your wife well, then you need to not have a “Leave it to Beaver” June Cleaver definition in your mind of what’s expected of her. Especially in today’s culture, when women work outside the home – don’t demand that she be your house servant as well. Cooking and cleaning are not just women’s work. We all have to chip in. If she is a stay at home wife, it may seem fair to ask her to do more than a wife who is working outside the home as much as you are. But make sure that any expectations you have are communicated and worked out together, not demanded, solely because she’s a woman. The old fashioned part about marriage that I love – is that it’s about commitment. Life long commitment. Your wedding vows were not “until I don’t feel like it anymore.” No – those vows were, “till death do us part.” I understand that sometimes circumstances arise that change things, that make it difficult, that make it hard. But make sure that for everything in your power, you do everything possible to honor that commitment. Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t make excuses. Just choose to honor your commitment.
To be wild, to hear the heartbeat of nature, to feel the rush of adrenal strength, to drink from the fresh air and howl at the moon – these are things that are embedded into men.
I love my dogs. I have a golden retriever named Lincoln, and a shelter mutt named Teddy. Yes. They are named after presidents. They are normally relaxed and gentle beasts. Nothing at all like the wolfish ancestors. Their greatest joy is to snooze on the furniture, while a family member strokes or scratches them. They don’t have to hunt for food, and their only job is to be friendly, and on rare occasions, to be protective. Last year, they got loose. Our front door was broken and didn’t get shut all the way, and so the dogs left the house while the family was at church.
It actually happened on two occasions. Both times they were gone for a week. The first time, we found both dogs covered in porcupine quills and starving. The second time, they came home covered in thousands of ticks, and weakened by Lymes Disease. We live in the middle of nowhere, and all along the edge of our neighborhood is the Allegheny National Forest – acres upon acres of woods, old growth pines, bear, deer, raccoons, deep lakes and cold streams. I like to imagine that for those two weeks, they were wolves. Running free, howling at the moon, hunting, digging, scratching, and living like all dogs secretly want to live. Eventually, though, these dogs are woefully unprepared for the wild. They haven’t learned that porcupines aren’t safe. They haven’t learned to feed themselves well. And they came home to be cared for, fed, and groomed. Teddy and Lincoln are tamed. While we as men may live in gentle little houses, with fancy soaps, canned soups, and table manners – we must not be tamed. We can be gentlemen, we can be polite. But we need to keep that fire of wildness and strength alive. So that when our wildman is called upon, he lives strong in us. He’s ready for anything. Ready to fight to defend, ready to provide for his family, ready to brave the elements, so that he comes home, not because he can’t survive, but because he did.
We know MacArthur for his famous quote, “I Shall Return” – but I think we may be a generation separated from the story of MacArthur’s resolve. Who was this man among men, and why does he hold such reverence in the hearts of the old-timers? According to Wikipedia: Douglas MacArthur (26 January 1880 – 5 April 1964) was an American five-star general and field marshal of the Philippine Army. He was Chief of Staff of the United States Army during the 1930s and played a prominent role in the Pacific theater during World War II. He received the Medal of Honor for his service in the Philippines Campaign, which made him and his father Arthur MacArthur, Jr., the first father and son to be awarded the medal. He was one of only five men ever to rise to the rank of General of the Army in the US Army, and the only man ever to become a field marshal in the Philippine Army.
MacArthur was recalled to active duty in 1941 as commander of United States Army Forces in the Far East. A series of disasters followed, starting with the destruction of his air forces on 8 December 1941, and the invasion of the Philippines by the Japanese. MacArthur’s forces were soon compelled to withdraw to Bataan, where they held out until May 1942. In March 1942, MacArthur, his family and his staff left nearby Corregidor Island in PT boats and escaped to Australia, where MacArthur became Supreme Commander, Southwest Pacific Area. Upon his arrival in Australia, MacArthur gave a speech in which he famously promised “I shall return” to the Philippines. For his defense of the Philippines, MacArthur was awarded the Medal of Honor. After more than two years of fighting in the Pacific, he fulfilled a promise to return to the Philippines. He officially accepted Japan’s surrender on 2 September 1945, aboard USS Missourianchored in Tokyo Bay, and oversaw the occupation of Japan from 1945 to 1951. As the effective ruler of Japan, he oversaw sweeping economic, political and social changes. He led the United Nations Commandin the Korean War until he was removed from command by President Harry S. Truman on 11 April 1951. He later became Chairman of the Board of Remington Rand.
Check out these quotes from the General. Old soldiers never die; they just fade away.
-General Douglas MacArthur
There is no security on this earth; there is only opportunity.
-General Douglas MacArthur
In war there is no substitute for victory.
-General Douglas MacArthur
You are remembered for the rules you break.
-General Douglas MacArthur
Age wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul.
-General Douglas MacArthur
The soldier above all others prays for peace, for it is the soldier who must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war.
-General Douglas MacArthur
It is fatal to enter any war without the will to win it.
-General Douglas MacArthur
We are not retreating – we are advancing in another direction.
-General Douglas MacArthur
The best luck of all is the luck you make for yourself.
-General Douglas MacArthur
In war, you win or lose, live or die – and the difference is just an eyelash.
To be wild, to hear the heartbeat of nature, to feel the rush of adrenal strength, to drink from the fresh air and howl at the moon – these are things that are embedded into men.
The law of the wild – the order – the code if you will, matters. When we talk about living wild, we’re not talking about living without morals. There has to be honor. I know that some men define honor differently. Jack Donovan says the word honor has its root in the glory that came from ancient warriors who fought valiantly. He claims that now that we’ve spread out the honor like a participation trophy to anyone who does something good – we’ve stripped it all away. I can’t say I agree wholeheartedly, but he makes a good point. A man of honor, though, isn’t just a brave or strong man, he’s a man with integrity, who KNOWS right from wrong, and lives it. He needs no government to enforce it. While he may be spiritual and commune with God, he doesn’t require religion to police his behavior. If he is a spiritual man who communes with God – he doesn’t follow the code because he is frightened of lightning or hell, he follows the code because his friend is God. Regardless of his faith or lack thereof though – we live in an age that struggles to define that code. Right and wrong have slipped away in the tsunami of relativism. While some things in life are relative – the truth is – somethings just aren’t relative! I can’t begin to answer the questions that living in a relativistic society dredges up. As a Christian, I’m often accused of being judgmental, because I have a believe in the idea of moral absolutes. I know that not everyone shares my judeo-christian worldview. I don’t expect everyone to do so… but I do think that as our culture has become more secular, they have perhaps thrown out a few babies with the bathwater – and neglected moral codes that were previously accepted as universal in their attempts to distance themselves from Christianity. I know we won’t agree on what morals are universal. I get that. But I would encourage you to determine what your code is.
At Manlihood.com our mission is to educate, equip and entertain men in an engaging way. Fridays, we focus a bit on the entertainment, offering #manlymusicfriday – where we feature songs from a variety of genres that reflect the values of true masculinity. Want more ManlyMusic? Check out our playlist on Spotify!
NEEDTOBREATHE’s song BROTHER featuring Gavin DeGraw is this week’s pick for Manly Music Friday.
This song speaks to brotherhood, and casting aside our differences so that we can stand together stronger!
“Brother”Ramblers in the wilderness we can’t find what we need
We get a little restless from the searching
Get a little worn down in between
Like a bull chasing the matador is the man left to his own schemes
Everybody needs someone beside em’ shining like a lighthouse from the sea
Brother let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home
Face down in the desert now there’s a cage locked around my heart
I found a way to drop the keys where my failures were
Now my hands can’t reach that far
I ain’t made for a rivalry, I could never take the world alone
I know that in my weakness I am stronger
It’s your love that brings me home
Brother let me be your shelter
I’ll never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home
Brother let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home
Brother let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re feeling low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home
Brother let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home
Brother let me be your shelter
Brother let me be your shelter
Brother let me be your shelter
Brother let me be your shelter
Brother let me be your shelter
To be wild, to hear the heartbeat of nature, to feel the rush of adrenal strength, to drink from the fresh air and howl at the moon – these are things that are embedded into men.
Something else that we’ve lost when our culture became civilized and pushed out the wild men – the fire. Today, we gather around the television and let people tell us stories, with the imagination already painted for us. Or we pretend to gather in virtual communities – typing with our thumbs and sending each other cat videos and poop emojis. But in the WILD – men gathered around a fire at the end of the evening. The fire cooked the food from the hunt. It kept the predators away. It kept the tribe warm. But more importantly than that, it united them. It gave them communion with each other, with the stories of their ancestors. They laughed, sang, and told stories while the little ones fell asleep in daddy’s lap. Generations later, we brought the fire from the outside to the inside, in stone hearths. Our tribes were smaller, but the same thing happened. Grandpa played his fiddle, Pa smoked his pipe. Grandma braided hair and they told stories of the good old days. Today, our heat is made from underground pipes or copper coils. Our songs are auto-tuned, and we all listen to our own with our Beats by Dre or earbuds. Our stories aren’t even our own anymore – as we stopped having real adventures generations ago. OR we’re afraid that Grandpa’s war stories might frighten the children, or trigger the young and traumatized adults. (When Grandpa was their age, he was in ‘Nam dodging bullets.) But now Grandpa lives in Florida, or in a nursing home, rather than to spend his remaining years with his loved ones. Can we recapture the tribal fire? Can we sit with our band of brothers, their wives, kids, moms, and dads and tell stories again? Can we teach our kids that electronics are nice, but sometimes the untamed and raw beauty of a fire is what our soul really craves?
This week’s #mancrushmonday celebrates the greatest baseball hitter of all time. He was a legend among men, and his legendary status is almost mythological to every little leaguer. Who doesn’t wish they could step up to the plate and point exactly where they are going to hit the ball. Who doesn’t want to be the strongest and best player on the field?
At age seven, Ruth was sent to St. Mary’s Industrial School for Boys, a reformatory where he learned life lessons and baseball skills from Brother Matthias Boutlier of the Christian Brothers, the school’s disciplinarian and a capable baseball player. In 1914, Ruth was signed to play minor-leaguebaseball for the Baltimore Orioles but was soon sold to the Red Sox. By 1916, he had built a reputation as an outstanding pitcher who sometimes hit long home runs, a feat unusual for any player in the pre-1920 dead-ball era. Although Ruth twice won 23 games in a season as a pitcher and was a member of three World Series championship teams with Boston, he wanted to play every day and was allowed to convert to an outfielder. With regular playing time, he broke the MLB single-season home run record in 1919.
After that season, Red Sox owner Harry Frazee controversially sold Ruth to the Yankees, an act that, coupled with Boston’s subsequent championship drought, popularized the “Curse of the Bambino” superstition. In his 15 years with New York, Ruth helped the Yankees win seven American League (AL) championships and four World Series championships. His big swing led to escalating home run totals that not only drew fans to the ballpark and boosted the sport’s popularity but also helped usher in the live-ball era of baseball, in which it evolved from a low-scoring game of strategy to a sport where the home run was a major factor. As part of the Yankees’ vaunted “Murderer’s Row” lineup of 1927, Ruth hit 60 home runs, extending his MLB single-season record. He retired in 1935 after a short stint with the Boston Braves. During his career, Ruth led the AL in home runs during a season twelve times.
Here’s a few quotes from The Bambino: “The only real game, I think, in the world is baseball.”
“I hear the cheers when they roared and the jeers when they echoed.”
“Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.”
“I said I’m going to hit the next one right over the flagpole. God must have been with me.”
“I have just one superstition. Whenever I hit a home run, I make certain I touch all four bases.”
“Baseball changes through the years. It gets milder.”
“I won’t be happy until we have every boy in America between the ages of six and sixteen wearing a glove and swinging a bat.”
“All ballplayers should quit when it starts to feel as if all the baselines run uphill.”
“The way a team plays as a whole determines its success. You may have the greatest bunch of individual stars in the world, but if they don’t play together, the club won’t be worth a dime.”
“Baseball was, is and always will be to me the best game in the world.”
“If I’d tried for them dinky singles I could’ve batted around six hundred.”
“How to hit home runs: I swing as hard as I can, and I try to swing right through the ball… The harder you grip the bat, the more you can swing it through the ball, and the farther the ball will go. I swing big, with everything I’ve got. I hit big or I miss big. I like to live as big as I can.”
“As soon as I got out there I felt a strange relationship with the pitcher’s mound. It was as if I’d been born out there. Pitching just felt like the most natural thing in the world. Striking out batters was easy.”
“Baseball is the greatest game in the world and deserves the best you can give it.”
“Watch my dust.”
“I’ve never heard a crowd boo a homer, but I’ve heard plenty of boos after a strikeout.”
“All I can tell them is pick a good one and sock it. I get back to the dugout and they ask me what it was I hit and I tell them I don’t know except it looked good.”
“I thank heaven we have had baseball in this world… the kids… our national pastime.”
“You know this baseball game of ours comes up from the youth – that means the boys. And after you’ve been a boy, and grow up to know how to play ball, then you come to the boys you see representing themselves today in our national pastime.”
“Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.”
“Never let the fear of striking out keep you from coming up to bat.”
“To my sick little pal. I will try to knock you another homer, maybe two today.” “It’s hard to beat a person who never gives up.”
Here’s what Wikipedia has to say about Babe Ruth
arry Frazee